The following piece was originally written for inclusion in the Great Mohicaan Gathering Program Guide. Unfortunately, the editors of The Great Mohicaan Gathering Program Guide, having gotten drunk on their power, started getting picky and demanding that the "Mohicaan Genesis" be edited and chopped down "to size." How does one chop down an epic? How can one omit essential elements of the greatest Mohicanland saga ever recorded? We ask you, could "Beowulf" be condensed? Would these Great Mohicaan Gathering Program Guide editors slice "Romeo and Juliet" as well? One can only imagine what their short attention spans would have required of Homer (the Greek, not Simpson) when he penned his great epics.
We could, it is true, have co-operated with the Great Mohicaan Gathering Program Guide editors and condensed the "Mohicaan Genesis," but to have done so would have been an act of literary injustice.... a shameful compromise, a violation of a lofty principle. For what? To possess the fame and wealth that surely would have come from exposure in the Great Mohicaan Gathering Program Guide? No, we'll not sell our souls to the devil. Let them tangle with Daniel Webster, not us. We should all be very thankful these editors were not working on the "Last of the Mohicans" screenplay!
In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth, light and darkness, the sun, the moon, and the stars. God looked upon what He had created. It was good. In time, after many, many suns had set, God said, "Something is missing. The world is too quiet." And so He created Rich. After two nights and a bit, God again looked upon what He had created and saw that it was not so good. Confusion had entered the world. Rich walked round and round in circles, never knowing where he was going or from whence he had come. This was not what God had intended. Besides, Rich was imperfect. And so He created Elaine. After two more nights and a bit more, God again looked upon what He had created. Now, said God, it was good. Order and Reason had entered the world. Rich still walked round and round in circles, but it mattered not. Elaine walked a straight path.
Time passed and passed again and a tree grew in the middle of Paradise, laden with sweet golden apples. Rich soon began to desire the fruit that dangled before him but God had forbid him to touch the tree. As Rich walked round and round in circles, his temptation for the sweet golden apples grew. Elaine, who was perfect, noticed that Rich looked at the apples in a lustful manner but she was not concerned. She knew Rich had no idea how to pick them. Then one day, as he made his senseless journey round and round the tree, Rich stumbled over the air and tumbled like Jack, though the ground was flat. Picking himself up off the ground in his usual clumsy manner, he banged into an overhead branch with his foot. Dozens of golden apples cascaded to the ground. Now God, who had suffered enough of Rich's silliness, said to Rich and Elaine, "It is time for you to leave Paradise and make a living. You must go hack it out of the wilderness with your own two hands." Rich stopped walking round and round in circles. He looked at God in his usual confused manner and asked, "By your leave?" God replied, "Yes. Go out into the world, be fruitful, and multiply." Upon hearing the Divine precept, Rich resumed his circular route, still not knowing where he was going or from whence he had come. Elaine, however, was concerned. She asked God, "How will we survive? He is a man with a few admirable qualities. But taken as a whole, well, you know." This was a good point. God took pity upon Elaine and said, "Daughter, your Father says 'do not try to understand him, and do not try to make him understand you.' He is a breed apart and makes no sense. But I'll bless him with some intelligence and grant him dominion over all things Mohicaan." And so it was done.
Cast out of paradise somewhere east of Eden, Rich and Elaine began their exodus and soon found themselves wandering for days and days in New York's Hudson Valley... in Mohican country. They settled into an 18th century homestead along the New York/Connecticut frontier. Here they were beholden to none and not living by another's leave. They remembered what God had told them; "Go out into the world and multiply." So they did. In the New York wilderness Rich and Elaine hacked out their living with their own two hands and learned the ways of all things Mohicaan. Living in the Hudson Valley was not as they imagined it would be, thinking of it in Paradise. The Master of life was good. Rich remained a breed apart and made little sense, but he no longer walked round and round in circles.
After seven years in rented service in the wilderness valley, learning the ways of all things Mohicaan and wondering if anyone would ever make the ultimate Mohicaan movie, Rich and Elaine headed south. They traveled for days and days, finally reaching western North Carolina. "We'll stop here," said Rich, "the children are tired." And so they did. Soon a courier arrived bearing a dispatch. The headlines read "Filming of 'The Last of the Mohicans' Completed at Chimney Rock Park." Rich and Elaine looked at each other. They looked again at the courier's dispatch. They remembered God's promise to grant them dominion over all things Mohicaan. Suddenly, for special effects purposes since this was a dramatic moment, the sound of singing angels filled the room and golden rays of sunlight burst through the dark clouds. Rich was a man with a mission. He jumped atop the table and sang out, "Hallelulah!" From that moment on he knew that he, God's chosen, would solve the most pressing question of the period; where were all the film locations of LOTM? Rich and Elaine rejoiced at having discovered their destination. It was more deeply stirring to their blood than any imagining could possibly have been.
So Rich set out, dragging Elaine along, in search of the elusive film locations. They wandered, they hiked, they explored. They searched and searched, following others' leads. They walked round and round in circles, getting no where. Rich was confused, Elaine unamused. "Where now?" he begged. "I ain't your scout, call in the damn militia," snapped Elaine. Undeterred, Rich braced himself for the task before him. Mustering the tiny bit of intelligence God had granted when He took pity upon Elaine, Rich turned master sleuth and tracked the film locations. He was, you will remember, a man with a mission. Standing atop Table Rock, he thrust his arms toward the heavens and screamed, "I will find you! No matter how far! No matter how long it takes! I will find you!" Driven with wild determination, camera in hand, Rich pursued each and every location. He was a one-man war party, on the attack up and down the frontier. Things were done. Nobody was spared. Elaine helped Rich as he hacked out information with his own two pens, burying the dead along the way. In two nights and a bit, Rich had uncovered all mysteries and was ready to publish THE LOTM GUIDE BOOKLET.
After two more nights and a bit more, Rich and Elaine, with THE LOTM GUIDE BOOKLET in hand, headed north to Huron land, ... two leagues, better water. And here, near the ruins of Fort William Henry that smoldered along the shores of Lake James, they settled. A stone's throw from Massacre Valley; in the shadow of the George Road ambush at Linville Falls. They had arrived. The mission was successful. It was now time to call forth from their exile the tribes of Mohicanaanites who silently labored under the burden of isolation; who suffered the pain of the unanswered question; "Am I the only one?" And so, Rich and Elaine, in fulfillment of God's promise, sent web runners announcing the good news of the promised land; the land of Mohicaan honey. It was time to gather the faithful in Mohicanaan. It was time for a Billy goat feast...... And thus the Great Mohicanaan Gathering came to be.
This Mohican Genesis account was added for the benefit of the multitudes in the hope that it will answer questions that have arisen regarding the LOTM Guide Booklet and the Great Mohicaan Gathering. It will also, we hope, quash the many rumors that have been circulating, such as 'Rich is descended from an illegitimate son of Chingachgook.' That is simply not true. Another disturbing rumor we've heard is that Mohican Press is running a scam and that there really is no such film as "The Last of the Mohicans" and consequently, no actual film locations exist. Again, we categorically deny this. This rumor was started by some crazy Hollywood paparazzi who claim the proof is evident by the absence of any significant Oscar awards. The film does exist and ALL photographs in "On the Trail of the Last of the Mohicans" were taken at the actual film sites.
If anyone has information concerning a shady looking character, who goes by the name of Billy Boy, peddling boot leg LOTM photos, please let us know. And if anyone should be approached by this shady looking character, DO NOT, we repeat, DO NOT attempt to confront him. We believe those previously mentioned Great Mohicaan Gathering Program Guide editors are behind this shameless con. As for those arrogant, snippy editors, we shall leave them unnamed. They're always looking for cheap publicity at the expense of the little guy. Power corrupts.
FROM THE MOHICANS' LAND TO MOHICANLAND || SIX DEGREES TO LOTM || ALICE IN MOHICANLAND.... An Essay || MR. TWAIN'S CRITIQUING OFFENSES || MOHICANS 101 || THE COURIER || THE COURIER CLASSIFIEDS || DEAR DOCTOR MARY || DOCTOR MARY'S THERAPY ROOM || COUSIN EUGENIE SPEAKS OUT ... || LETTERS TO THE EDITORS || TREKKING IN THE WILDERNESS || NOTES FROM THE TRAIL ... || THE Mac WILLIAM CHRONICLES PHOTO GALLERY || THE MOHICANLAND MASSES || WHAT MAKES IT ALL WORTHWHILE || THE VOLLEY FIRE || OPINE, O'MINE!