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The Courier

Gold Star Gold Star The Mohican Press Courier Gold Star Gold Star

All the news that's fit to print ... and then some. Pen and Ink

Established 1757

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Issue 2

Identity of Fourth Little Piggie Discovered

Mohican Press has learned that local authorities have identified the fourth Little Piggie in the Mohicanland take over plot. According to militia sources, the fourth suspect is Mohicaan guru Rich Fed, also known as the Big Bad Wolf. The break in the case came about through a close examination of Magua's surveillance photo. Through a blow up of the photo, authorities were able to positively identify Rich Fed. Following this lead, the investigation has taken an unexpected turn. It is now believed that Rich Fed and the she-devil, C #1, were both masterminds in this evil conspiracy.

4th Little Piggie Big Bad Wolf

It may not be readily apparent to the naked eye, but modern police criminology techniques have conclusively proven that the 4th Little Piggie (L) is indeed a respected citizen of this community, Rich Fed (R). Don't let the mustache, shades, and hot dog fool you. There is much more here than meets the eye!

Mohican Press has already reported on the involvement of two minor accomplices, C #2 and J. In light of the new developments, we are withholding further judgment as to the extent of their criminal activities. The evidence may eventually show that these two were merely mercenaries, lacking any motive for the Mohicanland take over other than the desire to make a quick buck. Authorities are continuing to examine the role of C #2 and J.

Our reporters are vigorously pursuing all leads on the Rich Fed connection. Details at this time remain sketchy. We will bring more news of the shocking discovery of the Big Bad Wolf's involvement as soon as we have confirmation of what we've learned thus far.

{Editor's Note: The news that one of our own editors is involved in this dirty business came as a complete shock to us. Rich Fed will be banned from the Courier until this scandal is completely sorted out. Meanwhile, we will continue to offer our readers the same quality of journalism they are accustomed to.}

Reports of this important investigation WILL continue! Stay tuned for further developments!

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CORRECTION: In last week's editorial concerning the The Mohicanland Take Over Plot, we mistakenly printed that C #1's "brother" had signed a deposition detailing her evil past. This should read "mother," not "brother." We apologize for the error and any uncomfortable fall out that may have occurred.

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Local Happenings

Community dance to be held at Huron Village. Noted Mohicanland dance instructor, Mary Energizer, will lead everyone in some popular dance steps, including the steamy "Sauk et Fox Shuffle," which has been all the rage up and down the frontier. Miss Energizer recommends bringing buckets of hot embers and extra cat tails.

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Recent arrival to Mohicanland, spinster Miss Anne T, held a frugal, but tasteful supper as a welcome home surprise for Rev. Wheelock, who has returned from his trip to Conn-ec-ti-cut. Rev. Wheelock addressed the guests with a wild fire and brimstone ranting. The speech was very well received and Miss Anne T thanked the minister for his words, saying, "They were more deeply stirring to my blood than any imagining could possibly have been." The delightful evening ended with some psalmody, led by Esq. David Gamut.

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Mohicanland town elders have decided to grant the marching permit requested by the rival LOTM group, The Moheckies. According to one elderman, the decision was a difficult and painful one. "We don't like it, but we felt it was the right thing to do" said the elderman. "We live in troubled times. If we refuse this request, the Moheckies may just stir up some border hostilities." While a few Mohicanland citizens voiced their approval of the decision, most citizens were not happy with it. Carol was seen at the Mohicanland Trading Post stocking up on ball and powder. Jo was spotted practicing her tomahawk throws. Militia leaders have placed local farmers on an alert in the event there is trouble. One angry resident said "I hope it rains on their parade."

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Esq. David Gamut reports that the Mohicanland population rate has dropped this past week. No known cause for the sudden decrease has been identified. Esq. Gamut had this to say, "We do not understand what is happening here."

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Dutch Damsel Ilse is rumored to be interested in "acquiring" the Mohicanland Trading Post. According to the current owner, Mr. George Croghin, Ilse is pressuring him to sell and asserts her right "as a Dutch person" to carry on Mohicanland's trading business. No final decision has been made by Mr. Croghin.

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Mohicanland Welcoming Committee Chairperson, Miss Marcia, held another luncheon this week. Her guests at the Mohicanland Home dining area luncheon included Yangeese newcomers James Cooper and C #1's four stout, loyal brothers, A, M,J, and T. The menu included sweetened corn gruel, New England rabbit stew, tea, and Miss Marcia's special fu-uudge. The new citizens were invited by Miss Marcia to tell a little about themselves. The young Mr. Cooper has come to Mohicanland from his New York frontier home seeking "a quieter life." He explained, at length, that he was writing a novel and thought he'd find inspiration here in Mohicanland. He proceeded to bend Miss Marcia's ear on trivial topics such as the many uses of twigs, how to identify moccasin tracks, the many artistic talents of bears, and other useless verbosities. The four stout, loyal brothers attempted to contribute their own story but could not get a word in edgewise. After four hours of patient, obligatory civility, Miss Marcia finally snapped. Grabbing her heavy cane, she leapt from her white wicker wheelchair, pounced upon the startled Mr. Cooper, and began beating him about the head. "You want branches and twigs!?!" she screamed, "I'll give you a twig!" At that point, other guests intervened by suggesting they call it a day. On his way out, Mr. Cooper thanked Miss Marcia for the lovely afternoon, expressed his surprise that a member of the delicate gender could be so forceful, and asked, "I don't suppose you'd know exactly what species of tree your exquisite cane originated from?" No reply was noted.

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A new hair styling shoppe has opened up in Mohicanland. "Scalp 'N Locks" proprietors New Carol and Victoria promise their clientele "the best hair cut anywhere on the frontier." The two Ottawa women came to Mohicanland after defecting from the French cause. New Carol is quoted as saying they chose to open a hair styling shoppe because that is what "we do best, hairdressing." At least now we will get paid by the customer instead of bounty officials."

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The Courier welcomed a new member to their staff. Dr. Mary will offer a regular advice column for the troubled citizens of Mohicanland. According to the Courier editors, Dr. Mary is no quack. She is a respectable, capable Doctor of scandal and psychosis who has served the Mohicanland frontier for years. Send your letters, along with your payment of silver, to Dr. Mary c/o The Courier.

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Militia Blotter

A break in was reported at the premises of The Courier. Militia officials said it appears nothing was taken though the premises were ransacked. One of the Courier's editors, E. Lane, offered this comment; "Papers were strewn everywhere. Someone was looking for a document. I suspect C #1." Officials are following all leads. Four pairs of stout moccasin tracks were discovered leading to and away from the Courier premises.

Next Issue: THE COURIER ... Issue Three

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