The Mohican Press Courier
All the news that's fit to print ... and then some.
SUSPECTS IN MOHICANLAND TAKEOVER PLOT PLEAD GUILTY
The Courier has learned through one of their own that all four suspects in the recent Piggie Plot scandal have entered guilty pleas. The four are identified as Rich Fed, C #1, C #2, and J. The suspects are charged with 75 felony counts each, and 2 misdemeanors to boot. Charges include arson, grand larceny, treason, attempted murder, wife beating, espionage, slovenly behaviour, drunkenness, perjury, accessory to a felony, animal cruelty, boot legging, impersonating porkers, spitting in public, armed robbery, flamingo snatching, gambling, property neglect, mail fraud, slander, political incorrectness, plagiarism, kidnapping, internet fraud, bribery, no scruples, poor taste, deceitful advertising, witness tampering, parole violation, falsehoods, lies, Cooperphilia, beating girl scouts, puppy kicking, rudeness, inter-colony transport of illegal goods, possession of stolen property, speaking with southern dialects, fudged pedigree reports, Simon Girty family connections, frequent absenteeism from Rev. Wheelock's Sunday services, crimes against humanity, corruption of youth, evil rituals involving dead vegetables, tree slaying, resisting arrest, assaulting old women, purse snatching, embezzlement, spying, moral depravity, conspiracy to bomb, selling imported trinkets as genuine Native American jewelry, reversing Dreamcatcher webbing, public nuisance, horse theft, clandestine meetings with Moheckie people, inciting a riot, littering, poor roasting techniques, lying to mothers, stagecoach robbery, rooting for the Broadstreet Bullies, subversive activities, being disrespectful, associating with lowlifes, shameful personality, illegal pamphlet distribution, solicitation, voter manipulation, obstruction of justice, framing OJ, racketeering, dancing at midnight, cereal killings, shopping on Sunday, impersonating an officer, counterfeiting wampum, mind control, and several more bad things.
The accused appeared before Esq. David Gamut to enter their pleas. After a short deliberation, the visibly angered Esq. ordered the suspects to rise. He then lectured them on the lowliness of criminal living and said he was going to throw the book at them. The book hit Rich Fed on the head, knocking him down. At this point, C #1 laughed which caused Esq. Gamut to chide her for a "peculiarly vile personality." She was ordered removed from the make shift court house and bound in chains. On her way out, she was heard making ugly threats against C #2 and J for "singing to the cops" and vowed to get the "dirty rats."
In light of their cooperation and confessions, however reluctant it may have been, all four are expected to be sentenced to a rehab center where they will be taught communication skills, cooking in the great outdoors, how to channel anger positively, and crime does not pay. Additionally, they will undergo sensitivity training. With good behaviour, they may be released to the community within a month, except for C #1, who may need much longer sessions.
The guilty pleas bring the Mohicanland Takeover Plot investigation to a close. Militia officials have declared our streets to be safe once again.
RENOWNED SCOUT DISCOVERED WITH UFO CULT
- Associated Mohican Press Release by She-Who-Tracks-La Longue Carabine -
Renowned hunter and scout Natty Bumppo was recently sighted, alive and well in a ramshackle house in Garland, Texas, with a cult which is awaiting the arrival of God in a UFO. Bumppo was discovered when neighbors, after peering into the windows of the house, reported to the local authorities that it appeared a mass suicide had occurred. A Federal Team was dispatched to the scene immediately. Through the windows, they observed Bumppo sitting Indian style in the middle of the living room, with his famed rifle, Killdeer, across his lap and his moccasins beside him on the floor. He was surrounded by the prone bodies of unconscious cult members.
The Federal Team stormed the house, breaking down the front door and smashing all the windows. Shortly thereafter, the suicide theory was discounted when, one by one, the cult members began to revive and crawl out into the yard, where they lay gasping for a short time. They recovered spontaneously however, and no medical treatment was required.
Bumppo, accompanied by his wife, his sons Samuel and Elvis, and his grand-daughters Cora and Anastasia, appeared bewildered. In response to questioning by the Courier Reporter-on-the-Spot, he stated he was on his way to a "Gathering" of some sort in the East, but had mistaken the location. When asked how that could happen to a scout of his sterling reputation, he mumbled something which sounded like, "My server was down and I couldn't access my E-mail." Asked for clarification, his wife snorted rudely and replied that was nothing new - his server had been down for years.
The group was last sighted heading East on I30 toward Arkansas, where according to Bumppo's understanding, the hunting is good and State Troopers will assist in bringing in the game. Anyone with information on a planned "Gathering" on the East Coast is requested to send a runner to intercept the Bumppo family with directions.
The Garland cult has since removed to a new location in Michigan to await the arrival of the Celestial UFO. They cited a preference for open-air tenting.
MOHICAAN VICTIMS TO ATTEND GATHERING
The Courier has learned that a gathering of Mohicaan obsessed people is scheduled to take place in Mohicanland this summer. The gathering is reportedly the brain child of whacko queen Dr. Mary, who decided to collect victims of the disease in a desperate attempt to study, research, and find a cure. According to the Center for Disease Control, the Mohicaan sickness has spread rapidly from home to home, nation to nation, with no end to the epidemic in sight. Doctors, Hollywood Big Wigs, and NASA officials are baffled.
Dr. Mary, who is heading a team of specialists gathered from all over the world, explained the crisis to reporters. "At this point, we don't really know that much about this perversity. The epidemic is inexplicable and uncontrollable. We have no idea where it originated, though we have ruled out monkeys. There has never been anything remotely resembling this particular illness in the history of mankind so we're at a loss as to the best treatment methods. It strikes suddenly, indiscriminately, and mercilessly. Some experts are calling it the leprosy of the 50's. That's a fairly accurate assessment in my view." When asked why she felt it necessary to allow so many carriers of the contagious sickness to converge on one small town, Dr. Mary replied; "You know, sometimes it's necessary to cut off a limb to save the body."
Dr. Mary has been treating hundreds of Mohicaanitis victims since 1752. Though she has yet been able to cure even one patient, she has had stellar success in disease management. She added; "I've been like a lone angel of mercy to these loonies for several years. I've experimented with various therapy methods including shock treatment, castration, pet-a-dog, poison, visual imagery, hypnosis, blaming others, and slavery. Thus far, I've been able to control many symptoms but have found no viable cure. It's been great for business though. I've been inducted into Fortune 500, had my picture on the cover of Time Magazine, and been hounded by Paparazzi. In a way, even though I've seen hundreds of people suffering, it's been fun. But, really, I'm swamped. My offices are packed every day and I can't keep up with the work load. I admit to enjoying the fame and fortune, yet I have an ethical responsibility to pursue whatever means I can to cure these nuts. That's why I decided to have the victims and leading experts get together in Mohicanland. Perhaps talking it through may help."
Area residents, however, are not pleased with Dr. Mary's decision. They've taken to calling her "Typhoid Mary", burning her effigy, and boycotting any company in which she holds stock. E. Lane said; "There goes the neighborhood." One man has reportedly been stalking the doctor, sending distorted images of DDL to her e-mail address, and rummaging through her garbage. He has been identified as Mr. Mary, the doctor's humor-impaired ex-husband. She dismisses him as a harmless fool and is adamant that no real threat is posed. "WOA! HOO! If he was really dangerous, I would have stayed with him... happily," said the doctor.
The Courier will continue to report and update this story.
Local HappeningsA community book burning will be held on the grounds of the old Huron Village to celebrate "Censorship Day". The holiday's festivities will be officiated over by Rich Fed and E. Lane, Mohicanland's leading activists in the censorship movement. Participants are requested to bring books, photos, letters, advertisements, sentimental memorabilia, and anything else that makes for painful memories, encourages free thinkers or opposing viewpoints. A huge bonfire will be lit to accommodate the rebel trash. The lighting of the pyre will be done by the honorable Esq. David Gamut. It will be followed by a symbolic marshmallow roasting. The public is invited as long as they are found to be agreeable and practice moderation. This special holiday celebration sounds like a lot of fun! Plan on attending.
~~~~~~~The recent presentation on "Discovering Your Inner Mohicaan" was such a success Miss Mary has been invited back for yet another lecture. Among her topics for the second program are "Mohicaanizing Your World Through Dream Determination," "Empowering Yourself Financially In 12 EZ Mohicaan Steps," "Overcoming Your Inner Magua," "Mohicaans Anonymous," and "I'm Mohicaan, You're Mohicaan." Some of the exciting self help exercises Miss Mary plans for the audience are chanting the "Finger Licking Mohicaan Blues" in unison while wearing loin cloths and visualizing one's self in a canoe, cursing in Mohicaan while smiling, painting happy faces on crystals, group hugs, and proclaiming the sachem within. The public is encouraged to participate in this home improvement program.
~~~~~~~According to Esq. David Gamut, the Mohicanland population rate has increased yet again. There were several newcomers to the community, which accounts for the soaring figures. The names of our new neighbors are not yet officially known as the official Welcoming Committee chairperson, Miss Marcia, has officially refused to greet, talk, gather gossip, host a luncheon for, or even acknowledge the new arrivals. She is quoted as saying; "I just don't feel like it. After last week's traumatizing day with that snooty Cooper guy, I'm just not in the mood. Maybe next week, but don't hold your breath." We know our readers will join with the Courier editors in wishing Miss Marcia a speedy recovery from her tragic Cooperitic experience and we all look forward to the resumption of her social duties. Get over it, Miss Marcia!
~~~~~~~The Moheckie March through Mohicanland went according to schedule last week. Though the rival group was keenly aware that their presence was not wanted, they were able to carry on their march with relatively little molestation. A few were derailed from the main parade route and led into a makeshift gauntlet line, where they were beaten with sticks, pummeled with rocks, and cursed at. A couple were tarred and feathered, and one Moheckie straggler was reportedly locked in Carol's root cellar for two days, forced to peel potatoes, mend leatherstockings, and pound corn. A militia official said, "All in all, it was relatively peaceable, though we were hoping for rain." No word yet on whether the Moheckies will plan a return vacation to Mohicanland. "Yeah, right! We're all looking forward to it!" snorted Carol.
~~~~~~~Mohicanland has been undergoing a Boone boom lately. Everyone's talking about the frontiersman, from small children to antiquated ladies. Some folks have even claimed Boone sightings right here in Mohicanland, though none can be confirmed. The town gossip, Miss Pot Stirrer, said this; "Well. I heard from Miss Marcia, who heard it from New Carol, who heard it from Andromeda, who was eavesdropping on a conversation between the Dutch trader Ilse and She-Who-Tracks-La Longue Carabine that Dan'l Boone was seen by Colonial Joe drinking at Bumppo's Tavern! I know it must be true, or I wouldn't repeat it, but I'll tell you! Can you imagine?!! Mister Dan'l Boone, right here in Mohicanland! My word!" When asked to confirm the rumor, Colonial Joe said; "Someday you and I are going to have a serious disagreement. Now get off my land." According to his drinking buddy, Mary, the rumors are true. No one has been yet able to figure out the reason for Mister Boone's sudden appearance, though a few have speculated it concerns his reputation and media image.
~~~~~~~Mohicanland's fun lady Zazu has a new best friend. She and her new best friend Andromeda have been painting the town red. Andromeda has so much fun with Miss Mary that she often blurts out; "R U 4 reel?!!" Area residents are reportedly getting annoyed with the fun, pun, and red paint and have requested Mohicanland eldermen to issue an ordinance against indiscriminate "sprucing up." Zazu responded to the irked townsfolk by reminding them that red is preferable to pink. An ordinance is expected to pass the council's vote.
~~~~~~~Mohicanland's flighty citizen Lainey was reported missing by her husband. The sudden disappearance gave rise to several ugly rumors, including murder. Lainey eventually returned home and promptly quashed all rumors of her death and declared them "premature." She was, according to her husband, in seclusion somewhere in the forest while she "underwent intensive Calgon therapy." An unidentified source, however, claims she was really in Montreal, dining on fine French food and wine. Her husband had no comment on the allegation.
~~~~~~~Reverend Wheelock plans to speak out and condemn the increasing incidents of drunkenness during his sermon this week. The Reverend is expected to lead the congregation to Bummpo's Tavern following the service, where he will undoubtedly deliver a fiery diatribe against the "house of sin." Miss Anne T. plans to coordinate the day's events by planning a lovely church picnic immediately following the confrontation. All are encouraged to attend the sermon, harassment, and picnic. Reverend Wheelock wishes to remind the upstanding people that "All it takes for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing, or get the wrong guy."
~~~~~~~Several Mohicanland residents have reported repeated sightings of Col. Munro's ghost wandering the trails of Mohicanland. According to the terrified eyewitnesses, the Grey Hair, pale skinned war veteran has been following the moon light as if it were illuminating a yellow brick road. He has been heard singing a Scottish version of "If I Only Had a Heart" in between incoherent mumblings about a wizard. Authorities, though skeptical, are looking into the spooky reports but caution all citizens to "stay calm, don't panic, and keep your hearts in your chests."
~~~~~~~The Mohicanland town council passed a resolution last week banning prostitution. The unexpected legislation has caused a commotion in the community. Area residents have always understood street walking to be an intolerable, undesirable activity, so many were curious as to why the sudden need to declare it officially. A council spokesperson explained; "Whilst we do appreciate that the vast majority of Mohicanland citizens would never engage in this type of reprehensible behavior, there are some new faces around here. This ordinance should serve as a proper warning to those who may be so inclined." One woman, whose identity has not been officially revealed but rumored to be one of several personalities belonging to Lainey, reportedly went to Esq. David Gamut to discuss bankruptcy proceedures as soon as the ban was made public. She tearfully explained that she foresees a loss of income in the very near future.
~~~~~~~The Courier editors are pleased to announce a promotion for all four of C #1's stout, loyal brothers. Though the quadruplet studs were previously considered suspects in a break -in at the Courier office, authorities have since cleared them of all suspicions. The promotion comes on the heel of a heavy work load at the Courier and some very fine work performances by the Irish gang. E. Lane, one of the Courier editors commented on the promotions; "We started the boys at entry level, but they've proven themselves to be hard workers and fast learners. They're not nearly as dense as they look. Besides, they make great java!" Their elevated duties now include paper restocking, lunch preparation, undercover work for gossip 'news', and garbage disposal. Congratulations, four stout, loyal brothers! We're all proud of you.
~~~~~~~Miss Marcia threw a dandy tantrum during last week's rally against aging. During an amateurish ceremony in which the participants attempted to call forth the spirit of Ponce de Leon, Miss Marcia became agitated over her inability to hear the mumbo-jumbo. She smacked the female next to her, accusing her of "purposely chewing gum loudly" while the mumbo-jumbo was going on. The shocked female burst into tears then spit her gum on Miss Marcia's leatherstocking. At that point, Miss Marcia hit the female upside the head with her heavy cane. Nurses had to resuscitate the female before removing her limp body to a nearby hospital tent. Apparently, Miss Marcia snapped as she watched the nurses lavishing attention on the fiendish female foe. She began stomping her foot and yelling wildly that no one cared about her or even gave a hoot. She demanded that the nurses and unfortunate spectators look at a bruise she had on her arm and asked why they were not concerned. Several bystanders tried to intervene, explaining to Miss Marcia that everyone loved her but that her bruise wasn't quite as a serious as cardiac arrest and skull fractures. Miss Marcia didn't buy it and she told them so; "You're all a bunch of liars! A bruise can be a symptom of a serious injury, but who cares!?! No one!" She continued with more ugly verbal bashings, at times even crying. Finally, Hawkeye was brought in to assuage her hurt feelings and apply a soothing poultice to Miss Marcia's bruise. She eventually calmed down, regained her composure, reapplied her make-up, and engaged Hawkeye in pleasant conversation about lots of interesting things. At one point, when Hawkeye wasn't looking, she stuck her tongue out at Miss Mary and chuckled in a sinister tone. By the end of the rally against aging, Miss Marcia was feeling much better, though she was reaaaally p'd off that Ponce de Leon didn't show. "Damn Spaniard," she snapped, "he knows where that fountain is!" The injured female is reportedly in fair condition and is expected to survive.
Militia BlotterA missing persons report was filed last week for a Moheckie person. According to Mohicanland officials, the MIA Moheckie was discovered indiscoverable when he failed to return to the enemy camp the evening of the reprehensible march. After two days of half-hearted searching, the missing Moheckie person was accidentally found in New Carol's barn where he had been strung up by the feet and forced to sing "Finger Licking Mohican Blues" over and over again. When militia officials inadvertently discovered the captive on their way to a fishing trip, they voted to cut the Moheckie person down, though the vote was not unanimous. When fellow Moheckies clamored for arrests, militia leaders refused, saying; " No harm was done here. The invader still has his health. Now move on."
~~~~~~~A Mohicanland woman was arrested and charged with lewd behaviour last week. According to militia sources, Miss Anne T. had accidentally drank Colonial Joe's home brewed whiskey. The hapless spinster, who was never in trouble with the law before, had mistaken the liquor for apple juice while she was visiting Reverend Wheelock at his home. The super charged "Annie" then ran through downtown Mohicanland wearing Mary's stolen green derby, and little else. Most citizens were shocked and outraged but Miss Mary said it was "A riot!" and cheered the woman on with shouts of "Go, Annie, go!" No explanation has been offered as to why the whiskey was in the Reverend's possession.
~~~~~~~Militia officials are alerting all area residents of the presence of a peeping Tom. Several widows have been frightened by the voyeur as he peered into their windows. The sicko's identity is not known, but officials are investigating and request the public's help. All citizens, man, woman, and child, are cautioned to draw their shades, bolt their doors, and shoot at any suspicious movement. We all hope the prowler is caught and discarded with as soon as possible.
Wise Words of Wisdom for the Week: If at first you don't succeed, admit you are a failure.
FROM THE EDITORS' DESKWe've taken note of an increase in feminist activity around Mohicanland lately. While we do not want to unduly alarm our neighbors, the presence of such types does warrant caution and a close eye. It may be that the obsession is merely a fad that will pass away quickly. Let's hope that's true. But the possibility does exist that this is more than that ... much, much more. Better to be safe than sorry we say, so here's what we've observed. You decide it if it's coincidental isolated incidents or a sign of bad times for Mohicanland.
Goodwife Lainey; known to be loyal, dedicated, responsible, and subservient suddenly takes off. She leaves no word of her whereabouts, no letter of apology, no phone at which she can be reached, and never asked for a by his leave. After some fretful nights and burned dinners, Lainey's husband finally hears from her. Was she kidnapped? No. Was she lost? No. Did she have amnesia? No. She wanted to "get away" from it all! If this could happen to Lainey's husband, it can happen to anyone. This is not good. Not good at all.
Next we have the sudden ban on prostitution. Now, we find this ban to be very strange in its timing. The issue of prostitution presents a difficult conflict that is not easy to resolve. On the one hand, you can look at this occupation as a career choice of independent women. On the other hand, you might be able to see this behavior as an example of oppressed females. It's really a sticky issue, which makes the ban somewhat suspicious. Why all of a sudden? Who's been upsetting the apple cart here? Isn't it a bit curious that the ban should come at the very same time the feminists show up? This leads us to believe that the ban was implemented at the urging, or harassment, of the female movement. If so, we can reasonably rule out the possibility of its inception on moral grounds; it may very well be that our elected officials are buckling under pressure to eradicate opportunities for men to "victimize females." We're heading down a slippery slope here, folks!
The sudden flurry of board activity concerning "frontier women" is another suspicious sign. A clamoring for details of "women's lives" is heard ringing throughout Mohicanland. We say the history accounts were good enough for our parents, why can't they be good enough for us? If it ain't broke, don't fix it. After all, it isn't the historians' fault that women have been content to lead humdrum lives. If they wanted to be famous or immortalized they should have done something important, something worth remembering. Save a nation, terrorize border settlements, or trail blaze if you want recognition. Authoring a revolutionary document would have been nice. Or inventing communications technology. But they didn't. So what? It's too late to get a life when you've been dead two centuries! Forget it, move on!
Then there was the cyberproposition public rejection situation. For those who may not recall, She-who-tracks-La Longue Carabine was propositioned by two Mohicanland gentlemen. Neither suitor wholly rejected the possibility that marriage was in the cards yet She flatly refused the gentlemen! Just like that. There was no consideration of the propositions, no family discussion, no dowry query, no apology, nor even an explanation offered. She simply, curtly, and ungratefully spurned the gentlemen with a "no." What is the world coming to?
Another suspicious situation is the recent acquirement of the Mohicanland Trading Post by Ilse. What'd she want to go and do that for? What would a woman want with a business anyhow? She's going to have to hire a man to mind her accounts so what exactly is the point here? Troubling, troubling, troubling times we live in. These are the times that try men's souls, and make them very uncomfortable.
We are disturbed by these symptoms. Maybe there's really nothing treacherous going on here; maybe it's all minor, isolated rebellion. Then again, maybe it's not. It gives you a lot to think about, doesn't it? Decent men everywhere are feeling confused and insecure. It's enough to make our founding fathers turn over in their graves. By the way, It's 10:00 PM. Do you know where your females are?
Survey results from our previous question are in. An overwhelming majority said they'd like to see clemency granted to the Three Little Piggies. The third respondent said "Burn them."
~~~~~~~This week's question: Should females be allowed to own property, occasionally decline to fulfill wifely duties, or take vacations? Send your opinion to the Mohican Press Courier. We'll print the results as soon as we've tallied them.