The Mohican Press Courier
All the news that's fit to print ... and then some.
O'WARA ARRESTED IN CONNECTION WITH RECENT SCANDALSMohicanland citizens are reeling from the shock of learning that yet another arrest has been made in the Mohicanland Take Over Plot. The latest news came as a surprise to all who have been following the developments in this case. The suspect is identified as O'Wara, the "house mate" of convicted criminal C #2.
O'Wara was busted in a sting operation which was conducted under cover of a cover. The suspect was sloppy, leaving a trail of evidence from Alaska to Mohicanland. A flurry of emotional posts began appearing on the WWW Board in which O'Wara pig headedly repeated the silly claim that C #2 was innocent. Letters to the Editors were sent to the Courier reiterating the same tired song. This pig headed tendency and disregard for known facts is what initially caught the attention of Mohicanland authorities. Acting on a hunch that O'Wara may somehow be connected, an undercover Mingo, posing as an Alaskan Native was sent to O'Wara's home. The Mingo got friendly, O'Wara got drunk, then the Mingo got the goods on O'Wara. It's all on tape. Hours of damaging allegations, confessions, and unflattering opinions of O'Wara's partners in crime, though the opinions are not criminal activity. The Mingo undercover sting operator guy said; "That was the liquor talking. The other stuff, however, is enough to put O'Wara's behind behind bars for a long, long time." Another official, after reading the psychologist's report said; "This O'Wara is a little bit like Son of Sam. It really bothered him that the others were getting all the notoriety and book deals. Anonymity was getting old, fame was getting attractive. He became obsessed with getting caught so he could have his day in the sun."
The other four are still in the Criminal Rehab and Emotional Crisis Center where all are undergoing intensive therapy sessions. C #1 remains under heavy guard in the maximum security wing and is said to resemble Hannibal Lector in her prison get up. She poses such a threat to prison officials that 10 men must spoon feed her at meal time. The last time officials removed her muzzle she bit the hand that fed her. Fortunately, these 10 men have a healthy sense of humor. They sometimes poke C #1 with a branding iron and have taken to calling her "muzzle loader."
We will bring news of any developments, though we honestly hope that this will be the end of it...
C #2, J, and Rich Fed in a sensitivity training session in the Rehab Center Courtyard. One of the various programs offered to rehabilitate the three is "Channeling One's Anger Through Grass Mutilation." Officials are impressed with the progress. They sure do look like happy campers!
Local HappeningsDutch Trader Ilse, also known as the Merry Merchant from the Low Lands, has reportedly put the Mohicanland Trading Post up for sale. According to one gossip, the successful Dutchie felt compelled to liquidate her thriving business when she was informed of her need of a husband if she wished to continue her commercial endeavours. As soon as Ilse heard that arranged marriages were lawful under such circumstances, she raised her "For Sale" sign quicker than an Irish temper. The Merry Merchant's Ad can be found in this week's Courier Classifieds.
~~~~~~~A Town Meeting will be held to discuss the disturbing increase of broken families. The Mohicanland family unit, according to a leading expert named Anonymous, is eroding. Evidence of the tragic trend can be found everywhere. In this past week alone, there have been three separate incidents of sibling rivalry. "That's an astounding increase in inter-family feuding," said Anonymous. The first altercation involved J and her three alleged sisters. According to amused spectators of the cat fight, J had been ordering the other three around for quite some time. Apparently her command that one of them must marry Esq. David Gamut as a cheap way of obtaining the Mohicanland Trading Post was just too much. All three, who were visiting J at the Rehab Center, refused to marry. Words were exchanged, a punch was thrown, and the next thing anyone knew, the whole bunch of them were rolling in the dirt. Kicking, hair pulling, biting; it was all done. One guard commented; " It was ugly! Never seen anything like it. But it was fun to see all them tufts of hair flying about. Reminded me of tumbling weed in a dust storm."
Another show of abnormal sisterly interaction took place at the patroon's house. Cora and Alice Munro were in the courtyard playing a quiet game of Gin Rummy. Alice, who was getting annoyed at Cora's cheating and arrogant behavior, snapped "Get off your high horse, you mulatto." Cora stuck her nose in the air, higher than usual, and threw down a card to Alice. This ticked off the younger sister so she yanked Cora from her high horse and the two rolled around on the ground, clawing each other's faces and knocking the stuffing out of each other's corsets. Cora used every expletive imaginable while Alice kept repeating "Dumb broad camp follower." It took five buckets of water to separate the females from their stranglehold. Major Heyward, though embarrassed at Cora's filthy language, tried to help the dirty sisters to their feet but got a left hook and a bloody nose. Mrs. Phelps, who had seen enough of the "vaudeville routine," grabbed the two by the hair and led them inside. After some hot tea and a lecture on ladylike behavior, she ordered them to wash their "filthy selves."
Yet another incident involved C #1's Four, Stout, Loyal brothers. We've heard that the four have become a bit competitive lately. Apparently, the job all four share at the Courier has become an impetus for jealousy and back stabbing. In their intense effort to please their employers, the brothers have been known to go beyond the call of duty, while also trying to make the others look bad. The resulting conflict has often made the office a mess. Among the acts of fratricide are misstated facts, tattle-telling, disruption of the printer, devil horns behind each other's backs, slashing garbage bags, graffitti, and food poisoning. E. Lane, one of the Courier editors said; "It's very childish but I think we can work through this. They just need reassurance that we like them all equally. I do wish they'd stop tripping each other though."
The Town Meeting will provide a forum for community members to speak out on these incidents and voice their concerns about this tragic trend.
~~~~~~~An emergency meeting of the "Seditious Wives Club" will be held this weekend at Bumppo's Tavern. Among the topics scheduled for discussion are the reformation of the club's charter to reflect a new acceptance policy, elections, name change, the fight for fair wages on behalf of laundresses, and the fund raiser bake sale. A controversial, stirring speech is expected to be delivered by Club Presidentess Victoria. In her address she plans to propose some major policy changes and creative ways to practice sedition at home and on the trail. The Club's leaders have already decided to admit all females, whether married, widowed, unmarried, camp follower, spinster, or Tom Boy. Club Secretary, New Carol, will give a special presentation on marriage called "Women in Bondage; Losing the Chains." All attendees will be asked to vote on several issues of importance to females everywhere. The proposed name change, "Frontier Females Freedom Fighters" is expected to go over REALLY big. Elections to the B*tch Brigade will be held, along with secret initiation rites for new members. Miss Marcia has volunteered to organize the intensive fund raiser drive bake sale and will give a brief summary of her planned receipts, which will include fu-uudge, corn pones, and mint juleps. A rumor we have heard is that the females in attendance plan on ordering brandy while at the meeting, which Mrs. O'Reilly is sure to serve. That ought to create an interesting controversy. The Courier will have a nice little feature piece on the Club's meeting next week. If you are of the delicate gender, please plan to attend. Next meeting's agenda and guest speaker will be announced at Bumppo's.
~~~~~~~Mohicanland residents were the recipients of a surprise visit by Reverend Jonathan Edwards last week. Apparently no one was more startled than Reverend Wheelock, who was seen running back and forth from his root cellar, carrying arm loads of Mason Jars filled with an unknown liquid, and hastily loading them on to the back of his wagon while muttering "Oh shite!" over and over again. Reverend Edwards wished to make sure his presence in Mohicanland was known by all, but arriving late at night, the giant theologian was unable to elicit much attention. The following morning however, he rose at 4:00 AM, marched to the commons, began banging pots, pans, and horse shoes, and singing psalmody in his booming voice. Disoriented, bewildered, half dressed residents began stumbling out of their homes to find the cause of the racket. After a head count confirmed the presence of every man, female, and minor (save one), Edwards delivered a fearsome sermon on the excesses of freedom. Esq. David Gamut, who had joined in the psalmody, had to be told to shut up three times. The reverend has not yet decided how long his visit will be, but the Great Awakening will no doubt be remembered in Mohicanland for a very long time.
~~~~~~~Miss Anne T. is refusing to leave the premises of the Mohicanland Rest Home for any reason whatsoever except to use the outdoor privy. She was the one Mohicanland resident who refused to stand at attention at Reverend Edwards' rude awakening, which reveals the depth of her despair. The understandably embarrassed spinster has fallen in to a deep depression following her arrest for lewd behavior last week. Guilt ridden, ashamed, and unable to recollect details of her sins , Miss Anne T. has refused to speak with anyone but Doctor Mary. Apparently the doctor has helped the troubled spinster in the past and as a result, has gained Anne's trust. The despondent woman scribbled a note to the doctor, folded it into a paper airplane, and let it rip from her window. Coincidentally, town gossip Miss Pot Stirrer happened to be "in the area" of the paper flight so she revealed the note's contents to everyone she could find. We've not actually seen the scribbled confession, but have been told it says; "Dear Doctor Mary; As you know, I've been publicly shamed and exposed through my own actions. I am so humiliated I just can't bear to face anyone ever again. If the worst happens and I don't survive, tell Nathaniel to stay alive, to submit. You hear? If Cora finds out, take him up to Huron land. Tell him of my secret, obsessive love for him and bid him good bye. I am bequeathing to you my uncle's inheritance. Thank you for being a friend. Miss "Annie" T." When reached for comment at her Albany Walk-In Clinic, Doctor Mary told the Courier; "Whoa Ho!!! Annie's melodramatic. She won't die. She'll torture me with her silly secret desires and abnormal guilt pangs for eternity. I'll never get the dough. But, I guess I can try to talk her into taking action. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
~~~~~~~Mohicanland's Bill Board has reportedly returned to Norm.
~~~~~~~Mohicanland citizen, Rebecca of Salem, is to be tried for a witch next week. Allegations of Rebecca's sorcery erupted after she was seen hobbling in the forest at midnight by visiting Reverend Jonathan Edwards. An inquiry into Rebecca's character was immediately launched after the discovery of her strange gait, with shocking depositions against her pouring in. One cowardly, nerve-abundant woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, noted Rebecca's multi-lingual skills and suggested the "outsider" was speaking in tongues. Miss Pot Stirrer alleges that Rebecca was behind the erotic undertones of her "Captive" tale, claiming Rebecca told her what to write in a dream. An unidentified emigrant of Mohicanland sent a letter to Reverend Edwards claiming Rebecca had enchanted him and accused her of possessing "alluring" qualities. Mary took issue with Rebecca's alleged dreamcatcher tampering, claiming the accused had deliberately reversed the webbing which caused her untold suffering and some very bad nightmares. Many more damaging accusations have been made by other citizens as well. There are supporters of the alleged sorceress however. Most have presented Reverend Edwards with good character references and copies of job applications. Lainey addressed Reverend Edwards at the pre-trial hearing and delivered a convincing speech in support of Rebecca's innocence. She called the accused a "charming" person, an able "speller," a "wise woman," a "talented singer," "full of personality," and a "sensitive soul." She added that Rebecca had a good sense of humor and often encouraged her aspirations in life by telling her she'd be successful. Apparently her spirited defense fell on deaf ears for the reverend not only recommended that the trial proceed, he ordered an inquiry into Lainey's character as well. The official charges against Rebecca of Salem include; Speaking in Tongues, Out Of Body Visitations, Dream Manipulation and Interference, Bewitching Innocent Men with Alluring Qualities, Captivating Souls, Dreamcatcher Tampering, Enchanting Spirits, Possession, Using Charms and Spells, Being Wise in Evil, Singing of Her Own Talents, Multiple-Personality Forms, Using Unnatural Senses to Take Souls, Soothsaying, Manipulating Reality, Possessing an Unnatural Sense of Humor, and Owning a Black Cat. No one thought to ask why the reverend himself was in the forest at midnight. The charges are not expected to amount to much, and most people polled feel Rebecca of Salem will not burn. The majority of Mohicanland citizens have expressed their "own burning" desire to see Reverend Edwards leave as soon as possible. "He's ruining our fun and scaring our dogs," commented one gentleman. Another added, "His sermons are too long, too boring, and too loud. I haven't been able to sleep at services for two weeks." One man went so far as to suggest a lynching. Though there has been no confirmation, he has tentatively been identified as Reverend Wheelock.
~~~~~~~Mr. and Mrs. Huron Harpie announce the engagement of their daughter Ros to Huron Hunk Magua. Ros is said to be ecstatic that her beloved Huron has finally proposed. "I've been hunting and courting him for years!" the bride-to-be said. Ros' best friend Alice threw a surprise engagement party for the happy couple. Hundreds of Huron warriors, Indian maidens, and French friendlies were invited to the gala event, but no Yengeese were allowed. Catering was done by Carol, queen of colonial cookery and roasted heart-kabobs. Alice had some great party ideas, including Magua and Ros burning an effigy of Major Heyward to the tune of "Come On, Baby, Light My Fire" and tattoo exchanges between the betrothed while standing atop Ros' revving Harley. Ros tattooed her beau with "My heart belongs to you, my Mingo - Love, Ros" in blood red, while Magua inked Ros with a self-portrait image of himself above the phrase "Share my wigwam forever, Ros! - Your Huron Hunk." Guests were encouraged to loot the neighbor's home in search of booty. "It was great!" said one happy Huron, "We went in, bound the neighbors to chairs, and ransacked the place! We had a blast!" Alice kissed the happy couple and told Ros, "Believe ME! No one is happier to see you two together than I am!" Congratulations, Ros!
~~~~~~~A mock battle between SYMTs and GGGGs is planned for June. The "living history" event is expected to draw a large crowd of spectators. The reputations of the principal fighters is legendary, with much of the public having their own particular favorites. Off Trail Betting (OTB) expects to make a killing on the event. Battle organizers are marketing the re-enactment as the greatest show on earth. Final plans are not finished but the Courier has learned that battle weapons will include wheelchairs, canes, mockery, banana skins, oil slicks, harpoons, tomahawks, ropes, slander, psychologist's reports, Hawkeye posters, cattle prods, mud, scare tactics, the Wallace clan, flintlocks, strong arm tactics, bribery, war clubs, silly faces, dreamcatcher shields, snakes, and timely diversions. We understand there will be no rules. Plan on attending this much heralded event and join in on the day's festivities. Bring the entire family! Registration information can be obtained at the Mohicanland Nursing Home, sponsors of the "living history" program.
~~~~~~~Michael Baby from Miami breezed into Mohicanland last week, much to the amazement of area residents. His unexpected arrival caused quite a commotion everywhere he went. One woman described Michael Baby as "well dressed, fast paced, smooth talking, flashy, hyper, and a big spender." Though no one knew at the time why Michael Baby was in town, the Courier has since learned that he filmed a documentary while here. The film is tentatively called "The Last of the Mohicaanites; An Intimate Look Into The Lives Of Collectively Obsessed People."
"Wow!" said Miss Marcia upon learning of his activities. "I always wanted to be in the mooooovies!" We'll keep our readers updated on any press releases or reshoots. (Note: Speculation has arisen that the peeping Tom of Mohicanland may have been one of Michael Baby's cameramen.)
~~~~~~~Dutch Damsel in Distress Ilse really stressed out recently. She was observed running up and down the trails of downtown Mohicanland pulling her hair, throwing Dutch guilders, and yelling "Bubba! Bubba! Bubba!" as loud as she could. It took seven, strapping, savage Hurons to restrain her, which they accomplished only after seven minutes of Samarai wrestling moves and a headlock. Once the Dutchie was subdued, she was securely bound with leather thongs and locked in the ice house for some much needed "down time." Five of the Huron warriors required medical attention for deep slash wounds. The other two died. Get Well cards can be sent to Ilse c/o Esq. David Gamut.
~~~~~~~Palatinate Petra has decided to take up permanent residence in Mohicanland. She is reportedly interested in building a Moravian Mission here. Though she's not yet requested a permit to practice an illegal religion, she has hired David Shipman to survey a five mile long plot along the river, which she acquired from Mister Joseph Brandt (the land, not the river). When asked for comment, Petra said, "No comment."
~~~~~~~The official cause of death of last week's accidental run over by Road Runner victim, according to pseudo-coroner, Magua, was Death By Wheelchair Wheelie. "She had all the wounds we'd expect to see with an accidental motorized wheelchair hit and run. She was pretty much flattened and had track marks that matched the wheelchair tire dimensions exactly." The deceased, whose residence for the last century was the Mohicanland Rest Home, has not been identified other than "the cranky lady." No charges are expected to be filed, nor tears shed.
~~~~~~~A community pot-luck supper was held at John Cameron's place on Wednesday. Area women socialized, organized, and cooked while the men amused themselves with various sports and talks of politics. An impromptu game of lacrosse was played in Cameron's corn field which, though it was fun, destroyed his entire crop. The good humored former indentured servant simply threw up his hands and said; "Aw shucks!" The injured players were carried off the corn field and treated for their wounds. The dead were removed and put aside for a later burial. The Mohawk won the game. Other than the loss of crops, the lacrosse game was a big hit with the men. Uncle Wiscone was asked to leave a bit early, however, after being asked politely on four occasions to leave some food for the others. By the fifth act of gluttony, Alexandra Cameron lost her temper, hit Uncle Wiscone with the first handy cast iron bean pot she could find, and asked John to send him on his way. Dweebie Day-Lewis, when not cuddling with Miss Marcia, entertained the children by taking them on a chipmunk hunt. Five were wounded. It was a fun day.
Militia BlotterMiss Marcia was arrested and charged with contempt last Friday, though she's suspected of contemptuous attitudes on other days as well. Community leaders pressed charges against the Official Welcoming Committee Chairperson after tiring of her tantrums, mood swings, and refusal to meet her civic obligations. "This latest fit of hers was the final straw. We've got a room full of folks waiting for a proper luncheon hosted by Miss Marcia. She's refused to welcome these people or plan the luncheon. They've been stuck in there a week. Enough is enough!" At her arraignment, Miss Marcia broke down and cried, claiming she was so embarrassed over the arrest. "Ah feel lahk cammon whaht trash! Mah snooty, weheel bred, upper gentry, filthy rich, Yankee hating family will be simply mahtified bah mah shame." She then collapsed in a pitiful heap and asked for a compact mirror. After dabbing her eyes and removing all traces of mascara runs, Miss Marcia regained her composure, realigned her Jane Russell Style Corset, smoothed the wrinkles from her wire framed, hand painted dress, and proudly approached the bench. The judge ducked, but her sudden display of courage and pride awed the spectators and inspired a spontaneous eruption of applause. "I thought I was watching a scene from 'Gone With the Wind'. It was so moving," observed one teary-eyed woman. Another spectator said; "I'm not a rebel, but, dang! For a moment there I felt like I could relate. I think this has helped me gain a better understanding of civil wars." Miss Marcia then turned to the reseated judge, batted her eyelashes, and said; "Ah plead guilty as chahged. If y'all let me go, Ah'll give y'all mah family jew-weels and promise to hold a luncheon y'all won't soon fahgit." The judge deliberated with his accountant, returned to the make shift court house, and agreed to accept the bribe. On her way out, Miss Marcia blew kisses and said; "Ahll's weheel, that ends weheel." One heckler shouted, "You Scarlet O'Harlot!" An overdue, lavish luncheon is expected to be held shortly.
~~~~~~~Miss Cora Munro has filed a civil lawsuit against Doctor Mary. Among the damages Miss Munro is seeking compensation for are Unlawful Possession of Her Husband, Loss of Services, Cruel Indifference, Abandonment, and Quack Medical Practices. Doctor Mary's Attorney, Sydney of Schuylerville, denies all charges and vowed "The wench won't see a dime, or her husband." The case is expected to drag on and dirty the make shift court house for quite some time. Esq. David Gamut is reportedly representing the interests of Miss Munro, but rumor has it that his own interests are paramount. Miss Munro issued a brief statement on the make shift court house steps. "Doc Mary is an evil woman. I plan on seeing justice served and will not rest until it is so. I just want my Natty back. I'm gonna be in her face until he's home. Smut peddler."
~~~~~~~A fire destroyed several canoes docked along Lake James last week. Arson is suspected, though Mohicanland officials have no clues as to who the arsonist might be. One official said, off the record, "For your ears ONLY, it appears to have been an act of rage. Personally, I think a frustrated member of the LOTM Canoe Scene is responsible." Anyone with information is asked to contact authorities as soon as possible.
~~~~~~~Four burly troopers from Arkansas showed up in Mohicanland last week asking questions about Associated Mohican Press reporter, She-Who-Tracks-La Longue Carabine and looking for women. Several residents complained of their behavior so Militia officials decided to bring the four in for some questioning of their own. The troopers had in their possession a paper with stalking points and a scribbled excerpt from She's report on Mr. Bumppo's whereabouts. The excerpt read; ".... to Arkansas, where the hunting is good and the state troopers always bring in the game." When militia officials interrogated the Arkansas civil servants, they discovered all four were eager to talk. According to one official, the four burly ones were sent to harass or bribe She to "lay off the story or else", and to bring home "some women." When asked how they expected to coerce Mohicanland females into accompanying them back to Arkansas, one said; "I was instructed to just tell them 'Willie Boy sent you' and to take their job applications." An independent counselor is looking into the whitewash. Meanwhile, militia officials have ordered all females to stay indoors. She-Who-Tracks-La Longue Carabine was reportedly "outraged" with the pathetic attempt to intimidate her and said, "I'm going to track this story come hell or white water."
Wise Words of Wisdom of the Week: A friend in need is underpaid and overused.
Ode To Medusa
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
Where do you hide my man?
You give him back, you evil quack,
I've stood all I can stand.
If Hawk's not home by day's last lick
I'll sue for every dime.
I'll poison you with arsenic,
It works most every time.
(The Courier wishes to thank Miss Cora Munro for her lovely poetry submission.)
From The Editors' DeskWhat a week of family feuds this has been. Sedition, fratricide, house mates arrested, help mates in lock up, family dysfunction, sister slander, domestic violence. Perhaps we ought to rename our two bit publication "As the Mohikinland World Turns." There appears to be a lot of angry kins in Mohicanland these days. If these familial hostilities and murderous tendencies are real, then we say be done with it already. Threats and treachery are unbecoming.
But what is the underlying cause of this rampant destruction of family bonds? We can remember a time when kinship ties were powerful, honored, and actually meant something. Who do we blame for such a collapse? Our mothers? Magua? Excessive violence in LOTM? Communication breakdowns? Whatever the reason, it's time for all of us to recognize the trend of family dysfunction and ask ourselves, "What can I do to help?"
Family Crisis Therapist, Cousin Eugenie, has offered a few helpful suggestions when faced with hostile hubbies, wicked wives, or sadistic siblings. "The first thing to do is recognize that YOU have a problem. Assume the full mantle of responsibility onto yourself. Become a martyr type and avoid confrontation. Pointing an accusing finger will only further enrage the sicko and escalate the conflict. Be creative. Offer flowers. Allow yourself to become a punching bag and NEVER lose your temper. Sooner or later, you will see a difference in your nemesis' behavior. Stay focused and be happy."
Perhaps if each one of us were to follow Cousin Eugenie's expert advise, we'd soon see Mohicanland revert to its former Edenian nature. Who knows? Maybe even petal pushers would soon feel at home in our lovefest town! It's worth a try.
Results From Last Week's Question: 75% of persons polled said 'Yes' to allowing females property ownership rights, occasional refusal of wifely duties, and vacation time. 25% said they'd prefer to see the females chained.
This Week's Question: Should Tar & Feathering be abolished as the punishment of choice, or should it be taught in schools? Send us your thoughts on this controversial issue. Results next week.