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THE COURIER ... Issue Eight

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The Courier

Gold Star Gold Star The Mohican Press Courier Gold Star Gold Star

All the news that's fit to print ... and then some. Pen and Ink

Established 1757

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Issue 8


by She-Who-Tracks-La Longue Carabine

(continued ...)

Acting on a rumor that a Three Whiskered Spotted Toed Icelandic Amoeba has been located in a pond on the property of one E. Lane in North Carolina, the Environmental Perfection Agency, the British Environmental Rent To Kill Group and Cooper, Crosby & Croghan Land Development Corporation have joined forces to perpetrate an unprecedented land grab in Mohicanland. Your Courier reporter accompanied agents of the newly formed Federal Bureau of Insinuation to North Carolina, where a siege of the peaceful and scenic property is developing. However, according to a spokesperson for the Rent To Kill Group, the resistance to this clandestine plot to reclaim land which somehow accidentally got into the hands of an ordinary citizen, has proven as zany as anything the aristocrats have ever come up against.

Upon arrival at the site, the Federal Bureau of Insinuation officers found the manorhouse of E. Lane deserted. They were stunned to discover a large gilded cage in the back yard. The door was standing open, and the cage was empty. The floor was covered with a large luxurious bearskin, and several elegantly carved Inuit Spirit Masks were suspended from the corners of the cage, obviously as a form of decoration. Most puzzling was a strange apparatus with many small buttons bearing letters and peculiar symbols. It is believed to be a toy, since a kite was lying beside it. A large key attached to the kite string proved to be the key to the cage. Several attractive Indian pottery bowls contained what appeared to be fragments of chocolate fu-u-udge. Opinion is divided as to what kind of creature may have been detained in the cage or how it may have escaped. Neighbors could give no information, but several reported frequently hearing a plaintive song with the only discernible words being "I Will Find You". They could shed no light on why the caged beast sings.

The British Rent-To-Kill Group, activists and officials of the Environmental Perfection Agency, the principals of Cooper, Crosby and Croghan Land Developers, and a regiment of the Queen's Footsoldiers were gathered in front of the manorhouse, calling for the surrender of the property to government management. The perpetrators have stated a desire to come to some mutually beneficial arrangement whereby E. Lane can be quietly evicted. Several wagon loads of cement sacks belonging to C, C, & C Land Development Corporation were arranged along the driveway leading to the house.

Neighbors, gathering to see what was happening were unimpressed by the aristocratic magnificence of the government and Crown representatives. In fact they seemed resentful of the intrusion and cited their unique relationship with the denizens of Mohicanland. Townsfolk and local businesses were closing their doors and refusing to provide supplies or lodging to the Crown and EPA activists. Several grumbled that they did not care how long this siege went on, the interfering wussies would not get any help from them if they starved to death and froze on the ground in their sleep. Interviewing a neighbor, this reporter asked why no information or support was being offered to the authorities, since the Mohican crowd had the reputation of causing mayhem with the hysterical rites of their annual pilgrimage known as "The Gathering". The neighbor scratched his chin pensively and replied, "Wa-a-al, yus. Sartain they's nuts. But they brings in business."

Shortly after this, a severely dented and scraped red, white and silver Rent-To-Kill truck pulled up beside the driveway, and the driver, a scruffy frontier type, began selling parched corn and blankets to the desperate besiegers, though at twice the current black market price. The various contingents then spread out across the property to search for the pond which, allegedly, is the home of the reportedly endangered Three Whiskered Spotted Toed Icelandic Amoeba.

The pond is located several leagues south of the manorhouse. It is known locally to be a secure sanctuary of the Mohicaan Sachemess, E. Lane. A brief description of the setting as seen shortly before the onset of the siege will serve to seal the sympathies of the sincere observer. It is, under serendipitous circumstances, a sensual sylvan scene of singularly satisfying serenity. Softly shrubberied shores studded with subtly sibilant saplings surround the shimmering susurration of the shining silver sheet. Several silent, shadowy sylphs swayed sympathetically aside the stricken Sachemess as, seated on a shaded sandy shoal, she softly sang her sweet, seductive song. Suddenly stentorian shouts shattered the sacred scene. "Sachemess, surrender! This is a Serious Siege!"

Within minutes, the area was transformed into The Movie Set From Hell. As the threatening forces advanced, the Sachemess lightly leaped into a waiting canoe and paddled frantically for the center of the pond. There she quickly ascended a large projecting rock which forms the base of a small island, and took her seat facing the assembled pursuers. Her faithful Mohicaan followers paddled after her and gathered on and around the rock to provide protection and encouragement. The besieging contingents rapidly spread out around the pond. The Rent To Kill Group, unrolling large, thorn-studded nets, positioned themselves on the north side of the pond. The Environmental Perfection activists rallied on the south with protest signs and began chanting insulting epithets. Fixing baggonets, the Queen's Footsoldiers formed up on the east side of the pond, and the CC&C group began to circle their cement wagons to cut off escape routes toward the west.

At the present moment, Agents of the Federal Bureau of Insinuation, who are proud to have generated 135 new files as a result of this operation, remain by the manorhouse to argue which side of the dispute to support. This could be a long standoff. Pending further action by either side, your reporter will continue to observe and to interview where possible. Sachem Rich waits mounted on his trusty Narragansett to carry instant posts to the Courier as new developments occur.


{Editors' Note: Before going to press, the Mohicanland siege came to an end. She-Who-Tracks, etc was able to gather the final facts and send her conclusion prior to Press deadline.}


Your Courier Investigative Reporter was an eyewitness to the dramatic and violent conclusion to the protracted siege by combined forces of the Environmental Perfection Agency, the British Rent To Kill Environmental Services Group, a regiment of the Queen's Footsoldiers and Cooper, Crosby and Croghan Land Development Corporation on the property of Mohicanland Sachemess E. Lane. The following events brought an end to a hostile standoff which had baffled the resources of government and law enforcement officials and provided endless amusement for the locals, who were in a bit of a slump following the highly entertaining weekend of "The Gathering".

Last week, the pond allegedly containing the environmentally threatened Three Whiskered Spotted Toed Icelandic Amoeba was surrounded by hostile groups attempting to gain control of the property. The Sachemess of Mohicanland and her many loyal supporters were trapped on a small island in the middle of the pond, defending their sylvan stronghold, each in his or her own way. Wolfie stalked around the circumference of the island, snarling and snapping at the intruders, while Vita and Petra , holding white flowers and smiling seraphically, walked the shore in peace and love. Believing that a crisis was drawing near, dangerous, dangerous Chris devoted herself to teaching Ann and Lyll to load, aim and fire their muskets. During the process, enough pigeons were accidentally shot out of the trees to keep the besieged Mohicans fed for some time. Famous Dutch Trader Ilse approached the C,C&C principals with a white flag and attempted to negotiate a trade of the Dutch Trading Post for the contested land, but to no avail. Her overtures were met with scorn and threats, and she left the area muttering bitterly, "Looks like it's back to the Courier Classifieds!".

At that point, noted EPA activist troupe, Cathy, Kathy, Kathie, Cathie, Katherine, Kathryn, Catherine, Kathleen, Caitlin, Susy, and Suzie rose to an hysterical pitch with chants and dances. They began throwing biodegradable trash into the pond in an attempt to soak up the water so they could storm the island without shrinking their Oonion Label cabin skirts.

Just as the Rent To Kill Group and the Queen's Regiment leveled their muskets to commence an all-out assault on the island, Mighty Mohican Momma MMMarcia broke through the crowd of sightseers lining the battleground and made a dash through the lines with a bag of life-sustaining fu-u-udge for The Sachemess. Plunging into the water, she floundered, splashed, and kicked her way toward the island, but became overwhelmed and began to sink. The Footsoldiers' regiment was advancing in a flawless line toward the pond, when to the horror and confusion of the assembled besiegers, Soldier #2 of the Queen's Regiment broke rank and dived into the pond. With strong and manly strokes, he reached the struggling MMMarcia, and pushed, hauled, shoved and dragged her up onto the rock. Soldier #2 then took his place beside the Sachemess and vowed to defend her and her valorous tribe to the death, or until he received a new movie contract, whichever came first. Unfortunately for the Queen's Regiment, this seriously messed up their formation, which they had practiced for weeks, and they were unable to advance without further instructions. However, at this point, shots were fired from both sides.

Following the salvo, Scotto tried desperately to reload his musket, but kept getting badly tangled in a large piece of heavily fringed white brocade which was draped over his shoulders. Finally, in total frustration, he ripped the flapping obstacle from around his neck and flung it in a heap on the ground, screaming, "Dammit, Alice, you're going to have to try to stand up by yourself for a minute!!"

At this critical moment, Rich was seen flogging his genuine Narragansett pony across the fields toward the pond and waving an official looking packet in the air. This proved to be an official communique from the Just Us Department detailing the interrogation of the Simple Fool, whose letter to E. Lane had started the whole fiasco. It appears the Simple Fool read of the Mohicanland siege in the Courier and made a call to the Federal Bureau of Insinuation to state that she had information germane to the investigation. After hearing her story, the Bureau referred the case to the Just Us Department.

The Just Us Department became suspicious of a hoax, when it turned out that "The Pitiful Plight of the Three Whiskered Spotted Toed Icelandic Amoeba" was written by one Paulus A. Blockhead for the July issue of the Environmental Perfection Agency newsletter "Piltdown Publications". Mr Blockhead was recently sued in Federal Court by the Mohicans for claiming to hold copyrights to all their songs. He was later quoted in the press as having vowed to "get even with those greedy imposters." Believing himself to be a reincarnation of James Fenimore Cooper, Mr. Blockhead is known for his charming children's story, "One Indian, Two Indians, Count Their Rifles". Recent contributions to Piltdown Publications include a sparkling series of personal interviews called "Yakking with Yeti" and a scholarly piece entitled "A Lady's Guide to Pottying in the Woods".

After reading the Piltdown Publication article on the Amoeba, the Simple Fool sent a letter to her friend, E. Lane, joking that the Amoeba might be located in the ponds on her land. By various circuitous routes, the letter came to the attention of the Environmental Perfection Agency, who being in the pay of Cooper, Crosby and Croghan Land Development Corporation, are always on the lookout for lucrative land grabs. The allegation of an endangered species seemed a reasonable excuse for dispossessing the Mohicans of their land. To gain the cooperation of the Crown in expanding patents for favored loyalists, the EPA contracted with the British "Environmental Services" Rent To Kill Group, and the Crown provided a regiment of Footsoldiers to add muscle to the operation. However, the newly formed Federal Bureau of Insinuation and the Just Us Department, not currently being in anybody's pay, succeeded in shutting down the nefarious scheme.

With the Just Us Department warrants in hand, the Federal Bureau of Insinuation officers first proceeded to arrest the members of the Rent To Kill Group and the three land developers, Cooper, Crosby and Croghan, who have retained Defense Attorney Can-Tuck-ee Victoria as their attorney.

The four burly Arkansas State Troopers collared the Environmental Perfection Agency activist troupe, who taken to a local lockup and charged with General Confusion. The troupe was later released by special arrangement into the custody of Dutch Trader Ilse who appears suddenly to have abandoned her attempt to get rid of her Trading Post.

The mysterious red, white and silver truck with its supplies of parched corn and blankets had disappeared from the driveway of the manorhouse. It was later reported seen in the vicinity of Linville Gorge, but the sighting has not been confirmed. A bounty has been set for the capture of Colonial Joe.

Sachemess E. Lane has returned happily to her cage, where she is busily engaged with her laptop in writing a revised version of LOTM. The eagerly awaited film is to star Eric Hurley as Hawkeye, MMMarcia as Cora, Scotto as Uncas, Rich as Magua, Billy Boy as Duncan, and Dr. Mary as Long Strong Alice.

In the absence of a formal extradition treaty, British Rent To Kill personnel were speedily tried, convicted and sentenced to a year of Sensitivity Training by the Huron Harpies. However, in a remarkable gesture of compassion, E. Lane appealed for and won commutation of their sentence to a rehabilitation work program. They will be employed as gauntlet runners in the new LOTM production. E. Lane, noted for her fidelity to historical accuracy, has commented that the gauntlet scene will have to be re-shot hundreds of times.

Meanwhile the Federal Bureau of Insinuation has been issued a commendation from the Just Us Department for outstanding response to this critical event. At the end of the week, they returned to Headquarters with all 7 files and prepared to embark on a new operation.

Paulus A. Blockhead has been arrested, tried and sentenced to community service at Bureau Headquarters, where he will teach a course in file counting. He will be eligible for parole based on demonstrable evidence of success.

The scalp of the Simple Fool is now hanging from a corner of the gilded cage as a decorative memento.

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The scandalous Trade Wars, brought on by the sudden mysterious appearance of a French Trader, have taken on new deadly twists. While we were investigating the dirty games and shady deals going on in the backwoods of Mohicanland, new intrigues have developed that have even we at the Courier spinning in circles and shaking in our leatherstockings.

Contrary to original reports, the Dutch Trader is not actually at war with the French Trader but is in league with the stranger. The alleged competition conflict was a devious cover for their illegal activities and black market trafficking. Both traitors have forged an unholy alliance with the notorious Sachemess E. Lane and have been holding clandestine meetings at Camerons' Cabin. Deals have been struck, goods have been traded, liquor has flowed, and dark plots have been hatched. Mohicanland now faces a crisis and danger never before known to the colony. Even the recent conflict between France and England pales in comparison.

What we have uncovered is disturbing and confusing. It is difficult to sort out fact from fiction. So many conflicting reports have been circulated. We do know our trusted Mohawk runner was a runner not to be trusted. According to a specially trained private investigator of intrigue and rumors, the trusted Mohawk runner has pulled a fast one. "He's no Mohawk. He's Huron," said P.I. Rebecca Holmes. Apparently, the speedy spy was sent to Mohicanland to throw the Courier off the trail of the Trade Treason by creating a diversion tale. Reliable sources now tell us the French Trader, the Dutch Trader, and E. Lane have not only negotiated successfully for Hawkeye's Wampum sash and Hawkeye's adopted daddy's Wampum Choker, but they are also dealing in "liberated" Spanish goods. The Francais Trader was overheard relating the following before his departure from Camerons' ... "So, when next you see me, mes amis, I will have the finest castile soap, muscavado sugar and rare Spanish chocolat from the tropical islands. They have even promised to send me a shipment of trade silver. We shall see." This statement would perhaps explain the recent tracks found about Mohicanland that could not be readily identified. According to She-Who-Tracks, etc., the tracks may have been left by suave Spaniards from the south. Speculation that the Spaniards came north to Mohicanland seeking their liberated goods is supported by the Francais Trader's boast. "The pointy tip and fine heel marks do lead me to conclude Spaniards were lurking about Mohicanland," said She-etc.

News that E. Lane may soon be dealing in le chocolat d'espagnol has sent shock waves throughout Mohicanland. Miss Marcia has flown into a panic as she fears having to purchase her chocolat, which she so desperately needs for her famous Fu-u-udge, from E. Lane at extortionist's prices. "This ahlegal blahk mahkat is shah to drahv up the prahces of chocolaht! Ah'll sti-well peddle mah Fu-u-udge, but it'll be evah so pricey now!" Asked if there were any other sources for her chocolat Miss Marcia replied, "We-ell, Ah truly doubt it. E. Lane is shah to drahv away aw-wal competitahs." Fu-u-ugde prices are expected to soar. Some Mohicanland residents are in favor of the Castillian soap market however. "There's an awful lot of dirty Mohicaanites," said one person as she pointed towards Carol and Dr. Mary.

In yet another disturbing twist, a Mohicanland mediator named Go-Between has told the Courier Editors of the Traders' plans to raise a Ratelwacht, which is a secret police force. It is assumed the Dutch Trader proposed this military tactic. "I think it's a nationalistic move to honor Dutch rights to New Amsterdam," said Go-Between. "It may be the beginnings of a Nederlander plot to retake the New York colony from the colonials, who took it from the English, who took it from the Dutch, who bought it from the Delaware, who have the oldest land deeds on record at the make-shift court house for Man-hat-tan Island." If this is true, there is sure to be war. E. Lane is already known to traffic in illegal Dutch trade beads and West Indies Dutch Company coinage. It remains a possibility that the Traders are secretly creating an economic base that will support Franco-Dutch repossession of the Mohicanland colony. "Not only that," added Go-Between, "but there's also talk of the Traitorious Trader Trio creating the first Mohicanland Mafia." Go-Between has called for the raising of mounted militia to combat this Mafia threat.

The facts remain obscure in this trade war mess. We will be spending days and days investigating the ongoing threat to Mohicanland peace and economics in our tireless efforts to bring all the news that's fit to print ... and then some. We will update this story as soon as we have more definitive proof than Go-between's word.

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Local Happenings

In a shocking development, Mohicanland's great hero, Hawkeye La Longue Carabine, was discovered in a drunken state along the banks of the Mohawk River. Though there are many rumors that the Dutch Trader and E. Lane had a hand in the scout's downfall, it is most likely that Hawkeye himself is to blame. He was apparently involved in some scandalous affairs with several Frontier Females and reportedly attempted to drown his sorrows in drink at One-Eyed William's Tavern. The woman of ill repute named Cora, as well as a respectable Delaware from Gnaddenhutten, along with several Mohicanland females, not to mention She-Who-Tracks-La Longue Carabine, and even the Leatherstocking Lady are said to be victims of Hawkeye's polygamy. "Wait 'til I catch up with the trailblazing Casanova!" said She-Who-Tracks. Cora is reportedly seeking psychiatric help from Dr. Mary and the Gnaddenhutten Delaware is raising a war party of Delaware and Shawonese. The Leatherstocking Lady promises, "to Scheudenfreude his sorry backside" and "steer his canoe over Niagara." Meanwhile, the elusive La Longue Carabine remains in hiding.


The bitter custody dispute over words both known and unknown has been legally resolved. According to Miss Marcia, Judge William Cooper has ruled against both Dr. Sues and British absolutism, and in favor of free speech and word usage. "It's a happy day for all amateur poets!" exclaimed the exuberant defendant. To celebrate the victory, many Mohicanland citizens immediately launched into a game of Mohicanland Jeopardy, which jeopardizes the good name of other Mohicaanites. "They don't even give away prizes," complained one game contestant. "I think it's a rip off and cheap publicity stunt. It ought to be banned." All Miss Marcia would say in response to the allegations was, "Please rephrase your complaint in the form of a question."


Several Mohicanland persons showed up at the make-shift court house this week, each claiming to be in possession of Colonial Joe's scalp. The sudden appearance of the overnight barbers was apparently in direct response to the recent bounty placed upon Colonial Joe's head. A militia official who was placed in charge of scalp identification and pay out said, "Not a one of these hair pieces is the real McCoy. One came from a doll, another from a horse's tail. Two were lifted from powder wigs reported stolen by Soldier #2, and another was obviously woven from corn silk." One desperate woman even showed up bearing her own tresses for sale. "Yesterday she had hair," said the militia bounty paymaster, "today she's bald!" Meanwhile, Colonial Joe continues to evade capture.


A new merchant has opened shoppe in Mohicanland. The proprietor of the instant eatery establishment, Mr. James Fenimore Cooper, held a grand opening at which he offered vittles for half price. Asked how he came up with such a novel idea as a fast food joint, Mr. Cooper replied, "Novel ideas are my business! This particular idea came to me by way of the Dutch. I am, as any reader knows, very inspired by the Dutch ways. There is one peculiar habit they have in New Amsterdam that really struck my fancy. It's a prank they like to play upon one another called "fast food." What the merry makers do is lurk until some unsuspecting Dutch housewife has completed her family meal preparations. The pranksters then divert her attention away from the meal by creating some sort of alarm. When the lowlander lady runs out to see what the trouble is about, the pranksters quickly dart inside and make off with the complete meal! To the Dutch, this is great fun so I thought, 'Why not carry out such fun and mischief while turning a profit?' And there you have it, a fast food eatery establishment!" At JFC's, the name of the eatery, patrons can order a meal and have it served in minutes. The way it works, according to JFC, is an order is placed for vittles, then two apprentices are sent to the nearest house they can find. The apprentices then scout the premises for signs of a fully cooked meal. When this has been accomplished, one apprentice diverts the housewife while the other dashes in to the kitchen and makes off with the supper. This is then served at JFC's to the waiting patron. "It's a wonderful business opportunity," says JFC, "for it requires very little overhead or operational costs." So far, business at JFC's Fast Food Eatery has been booming. Many hungry patrons are brought to JFC's after discovering their own home cooked meal to be missing.


Miss Marcia held a luncheon for new citizens of Mohicanland last week. However, her heart wasn't in it and the luncheon was a shoddy affair. "She didn't bother to set the tables or even cook," complained one guest. "She really took the easy way out by having the luncheon catered by JFC's Fast Food Eatery," added another disgruntled guest. According to Miss Marcia, there was no time to prepare a proper luncheon as the Mohicanland lock-up facility, at which the Mohicanland newbies were being detained while awaiting the official welcoming luncheon, was scheduled for demolition any moment. "I had to whip up something in a hurry!" exclaimed Miss Marcia. "You'd think these greenhorns would appreciate that I saved their lives." Asked for confirmation of the demolition plans, one Mohicanland official denied it was imminent. "Ha ha! Miss Marcia's just using it as an excuse to not cook. We weren't gonna blow up the lock-up facility or the detainees until next week!" Some Mohicanland residents were not pleased with Miss Marcia's easy pay meal planner. "This is the beginnin' of a destructive movement," scowled one unidentified man. "The next thing ya' know, all the womenfolk will be buying prepared meals astead a'cookin. I don't like it." Miss Marcia was issued a citation for "failure to fulfill her duties as the Mohicanland Welcoming Committee Chairperson" and ordered to appear at the make shift court house with a fully cooked meal from home.


Some of Mohicanland's more eccentric personalities gathered last week for a "day of jolly good fun and horse play." Organized by Jo, the outing was held in John Cameron's barren corn field. The theme of the crazy persons' fun was "Beating A Dead Horse To Death." Among the activities were "Jaded Jeopardy", "Pin The Tail On The Live Mule", "Sudden vs. Subtle Scrimmage", "Alice & Uncas Tug Of War", "Foo-Foo Football", "Dopers' Dart", and "Mohicaan Monopoly." The main event was taking turns whipping Jo's dead horse until it died, the point at which this was reached having been much disputed by several participants. The celebrants of the fun were treated to a catered lunch of Cheval Casserole by JFC's. The only serious complaint was made by a Foo-Foo who lost an eye by a Doper Dart gone astray.


Militia Blotter

A complaint of thievery was made by some visiting Spaniard last week. According to the official record, an unknown person made off with the Spaniard's goods while he was taking a siesta in the courtyard at the Patroon's house. The Spaniard, identified only as Juan Doe, claims he had gold, silver, sugar, chocolat, and Castillian soap packed on his fine Spanish Apaloosa. When he awoke from his siesta, the Apaloosa and the goods were gone. According to one anonymous militia source, the Apaloosa did turn up at Cameron's corn field. It was found dead and beaten, though our source stated the beatings occurred post mortem. The goods have not yet been traced though there were reports that the Trading Trio had divvied them up during their clandestine meeting. When asked for comment, the Traders all said, "No comment."

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Wise Words Of Wisdom For The Week: No comment.

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From the Editors' Desk: All we can say this week is, "no comment."

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Question of the Week: Why comment? Last Week's Question Results ... All who answered the question regarding Mohicaan revisionism asked us to please revise the question.

Next Issue: THE COURIER ... Issue Nine

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