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THE COURIER ... Issue Ten


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The Courier

Gold Star Gold Star The Mohican Press Courier Gold Star Gold Star

All the news that's fit to print ... and then some! Pen and Ink

Established 1757

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Issue 10

MOHICANLAND SHAKEN TO ITS SHAKY FOUNDATIONS

The citizenry of Mohicanland have suffered severely from recent onslaughts of mayhem and confusion cruelly unleashed upon the colony. From trading traitors to sting operations, the townsfolk have become so edgy that Militia authorities have posted sentries along all cliffs, fearing a mass hysteria that may yet cause "The War Of The Worlds" to appear as mere child's play. Though details have been sketchy and facts hard to come by, the general modus operandi of those responsible for the confusion has been one of 'divide & conquer.'

As far as we can follow the course of events, the Mohicanland Merry Mischief Makers began their crime spree with the abduction of She-Who-Tracks-La Longue Carabine. While She-Who-Tracks went happily tracking the tracks of one missing Hawkeye, She was set upon by a Iroquian war party and carried off to a village in the Mohawk Valley which, rather strangely, had among its guests many Huron he-men and harpies; this being particularly odd when one considers the fact that the Huron he-men are the long time enemy of the Iroquois. It appears that this was no innocent abduction but rather a carefully planned strike against She as a way of finding He (Hawkeye). He was wanted by the Iroquois for crimes against several shes. He was at the same time being tracked by angry Delaware hes who sought to avenge the dishonor done to one of their shes by He. To further complicate and confuse, He was also the target of the Leatherstocking Lady's intensive manhunt (and we do mean 'manhunt'), vigorously sought by Magua's Mingoes, hounded by Miss Cora Munro, and badly wanted by Dr. Mary. There is strong evidence, however, to support the belief that this motley crew of crazed claimants had all been unwittingly enticed to track He in order to achieve a sinister objective; namely, to turn Mohicanland upside down with scandals and dishonor allegedly involving the legendary hero, He-man homeboy, Hawkeye. Details remain sketchy, but it appears this sinister plot was designed to cast suspicion upon all Mohicanland's townfolk in the hope that distrust, paranoia, and murder would rule the day.

As this scurrilous saga has unfolded, we have tried to uncover the facts and discover the tracks of those responsible for these unspeakable crimes. We have a list of the usual suspects but must wait until our investigation has concluded before publicly condemning or horse whipping the guilty traders, or 'persons'. However, we can report that She has been rescued and has successfully tracked her way back to Mohicanland. Unfortunately, She has regrettably brought along a dozen whining, coddled, dirty, prissy, spoiled, bratty, useless female captives. "I had no choice buts to lead them from their captivity," said She, "howsever, if some soul don't take these good fer nothing paper dolls off my hands, I can't promise they'll be livin' to see the sunrise." Though we have had no confirmation, it is assumed that She was able to barter the dames a dozen to Mr. Otto Mani, a recent immigrant and rival merchant. She was last seen dancing in Mohicanland's Main Square singing "Free at last! Free at last!" while tossing Turkish Taffy and eating figs. At about the same time, Mr. Otto Mani was observed adding an extension of 12 cubicles to his caravan and is known to have purchased a dozen nose rings from the town blacksmith just this morning.

We will keep our readers informed of further developments or late breaking news, as well as notify the public of any arrests.

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TO BEE OR NOT TO BEE

As reported in our story of She's captivity and subsequent rescue, She has returned safely to Mohicanland. We have since learned from She that among her rescuers were the entire Bee hive of Bee Holder, Brother of the Sagamore. Apparently, a clever sting operation had taken place, masterfully concocted by Bee Holder, that allowed for the rescue of She by none other than He and Ching. These revelations of He's heroics and Ching's whereabouts discovered have set Mohicanland abuzz with sweet jubilation. Hawkeye has been exonerated from all accusations against his character, as well as against himself, in the public's mind. For some citizens, the news was not wholly unexpected as they held firmly to their belief that He was innocent of all charges. According to official Town officials, Bee Holder is to bee honored with a most Beecoming hero's parade. One official said the parade's slogan will bee, 'Bee All that You Can Bee, Bee!'

We wish to extend our congratulations to She, He, and Bee for a sweet success story.

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COURIER GHOST WRITER MISSING

We must apologize to our readers for the abbreviated edition of the Courier this week. Due to unforeseen events we were unable to report the entire Mohicanland goings on in time for the press deadline. Apparently, our Ghost writer has disappeared and left us in a quandary. Having no ghost to write our copy and obliged to search for the invisible ghouligan has left us no time to print our usual coverage of Mohicanland. Nonetheless, we have been successful in discovering the reason for our ghost writer's spirited departure.

Nearing All Hallow's Eve, some Mohicanland souls had decided to hold a Ghoulish Gala at Cameron's Cabin. When our ghost writer caught wind of this, he flew away and left no mark or note or explanation. In our efforts to track our traceless one, we stumbled upon a frightening scene at Cameron's Cabin. A spirited party was being held to celebrate All Hallows Eve and these were hardly a lively bunch. Among the guests were several well known, albeit deceased, persons. One was our beloved Col. Munro who was in attendance with his tale tell heart. He said he was there in search of Magua "to discuss matters of the heart." Another was Hawkeye's uncle, Mr. Edgar Allen Poe, who did not look well at all but insisted upon reciting dark poetry and tales of terror whilst calling for his beloved Anna Belly, who all but ignored him as she was engaged in entertaining Mr. Otto Mani with dancing. There was also present that undernourished, annoying, spindly schoolmaster, Ikky Bod Crane, and his hated rival, Broom Bones, as well as their witless horseman acquaintance who seemed to have nothing at all to say. We observed Miss Alice Munro and Uncas Mison sitting on the roof comparing bruises and jumping off the edge over and over again while discussing the finer points of rock climbing and over bearing elder siblings. Major Heyward was there. He saw what it was, but still he jumped into the bonfire.

(Our Ghost Writer/Reporter picks up this story in the following article)

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COURIER GHOST WRITER RETURNS TO PRESS DUTIES

{Note: I publicly apologize to readers of the Courier for my inexcusable departure last week. As many of you know, I gave in to my baseless urges, made myself invisible, and joined the spirited bash at Cameron's Cabin when I should have been banging out all the news that's fit to print ... and then some. Please pardon me, I must have lost my senses. - G.W.}

As noted in the previous article, the ghoulish gala at Cameron's last week was very eerie, even for one such as myself. Among the apparent guests at the bash were several Mohicanland residents. According to my eyes, Miss Marcia, Mdme. Claire Voyant, Miss Gaylee Cooper, Lady Godiva, Sassy Soothsayer, Old Crone, Lovelorna Doone, Doctor Mary, Penny Saved-Penny Earned, The English Trader, The Towne Crier, She-Who-Tracks, etc., Dweebie Day-Lewis, The Dutch Trader, The Canadian Trader, The French Trader, Esq. David Gamut, and several other Mohicanland crackpots. But, upon closer observation, it became apparent that these persons were merely transparent. Each was an illusion, a figment of the imagination.

While actual persons were running about Mohicanland desperately seeking out other party-goers, the figments were running about wreaking havoc and terrorizing whosever they could find. One such victim was poor Ann Owl, shot off from her fence post by a Bee-Bee toting night owl spectre. Another target was the Towne Crier. Believing she had entered into the hearth & home of the Camerons, and assuming she was in the company of fellow Mohicanland citizens gathered for an evening of celebration, the Towne Crier merrily went about seeking pleasant conversation. Barely five minutes had passed when a pallid Towne Crier suddenly bolted out the door, unable to cry out and looking like she'd seen a ghost.

It is believed the Dutch & Canadian Traders had a hand in the unhallow shenanigans. The two are suspected of arranging the entire spookfest by inviting the ghosts of Hudson River Dutch sailors to Cameron's for the soul purpose of impersonating actual persons and scaring the real party-goers witless. Both traders were seen along Mohicanland's Main Street laughing hysterically and were overheard discussing plans for a "festive Thanksgiving Feast" that may include the Salem crowd.

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LATE BREAKING NEWS!!!

The Courier has just received word that a terrorist group from the Maryland Colony has descended upon Mohicanland threatening long time citizens Rich Fed and E. Lane with the strong arm of the lawless. Calling themselves the "Artsy Gang", this crafty bunch is attempting a shake down right here in our colony. Believing Rich Fed and E. Lane to be making profitable profits within Mohicanland, the terrorists have been harassing, intimidating, and demanding a cut in Mohicanland's currency base. Though the targets of the shakedown attempt have vowed they will not be intimidated or blackmailed, the situation may prove taxing. Claiming to have been deputized by the Maryland Colony's Bureau of Instigative Affairs, the gang has been throwing their weight around town and trying to thwart all Traders' business. The Mohicanland citizenry is an uproar, the Militia are on a minute's notice alert, and Wry Wits are threatening to break out.

We will update this latest scandal as soon as more developments develop.

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LOCAL HAPPENINGS

There were several casualties this past week that resulted from unsafe party practices. According to Militia Officials, one local man was found drowned in his wash basin. The victim, who has only been identified as Bob, drowned while attempting to sharpen his apple bobbin skills in his backyard. The victim had been practicing his sport in preparation for Mohicanland's All Hallow's Eve celebration, which had included an Apple Bobbin competition. Unfortunately for Bob, he had not taken the precaution of having a professional trainer or adult companion nearby. A neighbor child of three years, curious to see what Bob was doing, had been watching the apple bobbin training when Bob accidentally fell into the wash basin. The child immediately ran for help but was ignored and shooed away. Authorities now believe the child was misunderstood as he yelled "Bob in four apples! Bob in four apples!", neighbors apparently thinking the child was merely anxious to bob for apples. When someone happened upon poor Bob, sure enough, there he was, in the wash basin along with four apples.

In another tragedy, 1/4 of Mohicanland's Rest Home's residents died after consuming an apple dessert. Authorities believe the deaths were accidental, caused by ingesting arsenic laced applesauce. From what we have learned, Miss Gaylee Cooper had ordered bushels of special apples from Mohicanland's Mohicaan Bountyess. Some of the apples were poisoned, apparently meant as a prop to go with Gaylee's character for the Ghoulish Gala. Portraying Snowee White's evil stepmother for the "Best Costume" competition, Miss Cooper felt it was important to have a complete costume with all accessories included. Since she was planning to entertain the Rest Home residents with some Cooper readings before heading to the competition, Miss Cooper thought it wise to bring along her apple props. She tucked away her bushel in a closet and went about preaching Cooperisms to the captive audience. Unbeknownst to her, the Rest Home's cook discovered the apples and decided to whip up some applesauce for the toothless diners. One fortunate, though hungry, resident had this to say; "Serves 'em right! Only the greedy bullies keeled over. The rest of us are alive only because those prunes ate all the applesauce before we could get any!" No charges will be filed but apples are temporarily banned from the Rest Home's menu.

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A shocking scandal has erupted in Mohicanland. Miss Marcia has reportedly entertained several gentleman callers in one evening, according to part time nautical advisor, part time naughty girl gossiper Miss Paddle Tale. The alleged over indulgence in male companionship incident occured on Friday last at the secluded home of Miss Marcia. Though the scandalous activity has neither been confirmed nor denied by Miss Marcia's snoopy neighbor, Miss Gaylee Cooper, evidence has been uncovered that supports Miss Paddle Tale's tale. Several Woodland Bouquets were ordered from the Mohican Bountyess on the day in question, each by a separate customer, and all to be delivered to Miss Marcia; at least two Mohicanland Females, Miss Penny Saved-Penny Earned and Miss Lovelorna Doone, have publicly discussed their urgent pleas to Miss Marcia regarding matters of the heart; "MM & ?" was discovered carved on several trees on Miss Marcia's land holdings; the proprietor of Mohicanland's Apothecary Shoppe claims he sold two bottles of "French Aroma" perfume and one half ounce of rat poison to the accused "hussy" on the day in question; and Miss Marcia cancelled a previously scheduled appointment with Dr. Phelps, citing "last minute social engagements." Taken as a whole, the evidence against her is stacking up pretty high. "Miss Paddle Tale's just trying to rock the boat," said Miss Marcia when confronted with the accusations. "Yes, I had callers but I'd hardly call them all gentlemen." To further cast suspicion upon Miss Marcia's reputation, Sassy Soothsayer is claiming the "Fu-uudge Lady stole my Turkish Love Potion while I was sassy-frassing about the woods in search of foxglove for Col. Munro." Authorities have not yet figured out the purpose for the rat poison but have issued a public appeal for information on any citizen found to be missing.

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Anonymous pollster Jane Poe has been tallying last week's election results for Mohicanland. Thus far, Jane Poe has declared Sheriff Bent Twigg a winner, Ann Arbor a winner, Sassy Soothsayer defeated in her bid for Judge & Jury, and Dweebie Day-Lewis a definite loser. More election results when Jane Poe completes her count of the secret ballots.

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Wounded Ann Owl is reportedly recovering at Mohicanland's Hospital Tent from the vicious attack upon her several nights ago. Though still lapsing into intermittent comatose episodes, Ann Owl has given brief accounts of her unpleasant experiences while sitting upon Cameron's fence. When asked Whooooo her assailant was, the patient victim offered a description of a strangely attired male. Militia Officials are investigating the cruel assault but have no suspects as of yet. Miss Ann Owl's press secretary and private nurse, Attilla the Honey, did offer a public statement on the attack; "Miss Ann Owl has asked me to give you all a word to the wise; don't be a fence sitter, be decisive and always keep your enemies in sight."

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The Cunning, Crafty, Cooperism Clan, known as the CCCC, will be holding a meeting at JFC's Dutch Eatery next Thursday. According to Presidentess Miss Penny Saved-Penny Earned and co-presidentess The English Trader, there will be several issues of great importance on the agenda. All Clan members are urged to attend and are requested to bring along a sample of their Cooperism. The public is invited to join in this meeting but only if they think themselves cunning, crafty, and clever enough to participate in Cooperism conversation. Contact Prez. PS-PE for more information or Cooperism tips.

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Miss Mary has reportedly run away from the Mohicanland Rest Home. Though the Home's officials have no information on her possible whereabouts, it is believed that Miss Mary is searching for a Mr. Nathaniel Poe, allegedly an old flame of the missing woman's. She was last seen wearing a musket, a wampum sash, moccasins, and a turtle tattoo. According to one Rest Home attendant, Miss Mary was wearing nothing else as she darted by and gave her the slip. If you've seen this woman please contact Militia Officials immediately. She is considered armed and dangerous.

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Question of the Week: Should Mohicanland's comics and crazy people be restricted to house arrest, censored, or relocated to another campsite? Send us your answers and we'll post the results in the next issue of The Courier.

Next Issue: THE COURIER ... Issue Eleven

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