THE COURIER ... Issue Twelve
A pack of wild dogs ran about Mohicanland's trails for several days last week causing many rabies-phobic citizens to remain locked in their homes. The mangy canines were observed frantically digging for dirt as though hunks of meat were to be discovered near the frontiers of Hades. One old-timer described the pack as, "mean, vicious, and dirty." He added, "I aint seen nothin' like 'em in all my years hunting wild beasts." Other residents had watched from the safety of their porches as the starving dogs scavaged their garbage pits, pig sties, and scrap heaps. One lucky woman offered an account of her own close encounter with the crazy canines. "I was tendin' my garden, you know? Tryin' to nurture livin' things and mindin' my own business when I heard the most horrid howlin' and growlin'. I limped to my porch to get my flintlock, you know? Just as I got hold of it somethin' pounced upon me, snarlin' like the devil! It darn near scared the livin' daylights outta me! I tried to get off a shot but the dang dog was a back bitin' me. Well, I ain't one to roll over and play dead, you know? So, I reached over to where I had put out a bone for my own dog. It wasn't prime rib or nothin'. It was just a gen-eric bone, you know? I threw it as far away as I could and doncha know? That foul animal ran like the dickens to get to that gen-eric bone! My word! Before I could blink an eyelash extender, the whole bunch of them wild things came runnin' out of the shadows to snatch a bit of that old gen-eric bone! It was somethin' to see!"
Other residents had similar tales of observing the rabid canines fighting and biting to grab gen-eric bones. The last reports came from the Mohicanland borders where the dog pack was seen nearly killing each other to get their share of the gen-eric bones.
Authorities have issued a statement stating they believe the wild dogs to be a safe distance from Mohicanland's civilization. However, they have added a strong warning that should any suspicious looking canines be seen in the area caution would be advised. "You never know when these kind of mutts might turn on you," said one official. "It's best to toss out an old gen-eric bone or just shoot them on sight." Authorities have asked that any further sightings be reported either to the Militia or your local chapter of Buffalo Hunters.
An ugly war broke out in Mohicanland recently. Dubbed "The Queen's War" by future historians, it has been described as so vile that the Mother Country's "War Of The Roses" looks like a flower bed in comparison. According to inside sources, the conflict erupted when a Pretender to the Throne appeared in our colony claiming "first rights" to Mohicanland's territorial possessions. Stunned citizens watched in horror as the fake queen posted false statements of her alleged birth right and forced exile on several public buildings and outhouses. While the masqued Pretender was ignored at first, the sudden escalation of surreptitious slander, fits of rage, tantrums, obscenities, and mud slinging at clean loving, innocent persons riled the anger and offended the senses of the good people of Mohicanland. The call to arms was called in style by the stylish Towne Crier who was instantly greeted by a chorus of supporters. Cries such as "Down with the imposter!" ... "Traitors to the town must fly!" ... "Off with her head!" ... and "It's war, boys!" echoed through the streets of Mohicanland.
As the Pretender attempted to rally her dark minions by offering them poisoned candy, Mohicanland's citizenry rallied for truth. Vowing to defend their hearth & home, the noble Defenders came out in force to do battle upon open ground. The ensuing melee, though violent by nature, was over quickly as the Pretender left the field of battle and fled to the safety of her swamps, carrying an axe to grind. Spectators applauded wildly at the slithering departure of the masqued Pretender.
Though victorious, the Mohicanland Defenders suffered many wounded during the battle. Fortunately, no mortal wounds were reported; just wounded mortals. Among the casualties were Sir Richfed, said to have suffered a grievous injury to the psyche; Doctor Mary, who reportedly suffered a loss of serious potential income with the retreat of the Pretender; Achillse, whose exposed heel was bruised but not seriously; A. Moravian, who stood up peaceably to take some punches; Pilgrim Penny, rumored to have lost a kidney while journeying to join in the fight; The Traders of Mohicanland, all of whom experienced loss of trade goods and good trades and thus have agreed to pursue a classy action lawsuit; Champ, whose prized grapes were soured by the Pretender's bitter presence; Claudia & Carmen, whose noble Roman names were subjected to inferior company whilst the Pretender lurked about; Miss Marcia, reportedly startled out of her wits by the nasty upheaval caused by the venomous assault; Ye Olde Towne Crier, whose throat was set afire by her loyalist cries to arms; White Renegade Simon Girty, who suffered the near loss of his scalp & even a greater loss at the failed acquisition of the Pretender's scalp; The Three Little Piggies, who claim their good names were muddied by the Pretender's prolonged wallow in the pig's sty, and numerous other patriots. E. Lane managed to escape injury by holding a mirror to the Pretender's face, thereby deflecting the Medusian weapons. Needless to say, the mirror was shattered.
While the war has been won and the dark forces have been routed, Mohicanland officials are preparing defenses against a possible resurgence of the Pretender's petty proclamations. The raising of a Frontier Fighting Females militia unit, called the Wah-Ta-Wah Warrioresses in honor of the noble & virtuous mother of Mohicanland's legendary warrior Uncas, is currently underway. Additionally, Mohicanland's trails, lanes, & Main Square will be illuminated with a thousand tin lanterns courtesy of Ye Olde Towne Crier whose "Don't Let The Light Go Out" campaign is designed to deter the Pretender's reappearance by exposing her to the "light of truth."
Ye Olde Towne Crier, a card carrying Crier due to her burning sore throat, has suggested a grand celebration of the victory. Plans are under way for the freedom festivities, which are to be held during the annual Great Mohican Gathering. All loyalists, patriots, citizens, allies, and good guys are invited to attend the Gala Celebration.
The shoppe of Mohicanland's most distinguished news source, The Courier, was vandalized last week by unknown delinquents seeking to hold the presses by making messes. According to the Courier Editors, the unknown criminals had sabotaged the print blocks by reordering the letters and white washing the ink. "It was an assault upon freedom, honesty, and the Mohicanland way," said the Editors. "Not only did these vile persons mess with the printing press, they trashed the shoppe, smeared silly sayings and outlandish lies on the walls, and left a funny looking blue print of their crime." When asked if they could elaborate or identify the blue print, the Editors replied, "How to describe? It was a tacky looking blue rainish looking goo. We're not sure what it was but it was all over the assailant's footprints." The blue print has reportedly been discovered at other crime scenes.
Though the ugly sabotage proved to be futile, and Issue Twelve has successfully gone to print, the Editors have vowed to seek justice. "Either a lawsuit for slander, vandalism, loss of income, and bad taste; or a public beheading. We're not sure which option to pursue at this point," said the Editors. The most likely path to justice appears to be through the courts. The Editors have been seen at the Mohicanland Main Square office of the famed Huron ally and feared attorney, Can-Tuck-ee Victoria. The attorney is known far and wide for refusing to accept defeat. This should prove an interesting story to follow. We'll keep our readers informed of all developments.
In our last issue we reported on the penless plight of Poor Pilgrim Penny, who loves to correspond with her neighbors and friends. Having neither ink nor quill, Penny had been unable to pen her letters or ink her po-ems. When Penny's neighbors proved to be rather stingey in regard to their pens & quills, Penny realized they needed to learn a lesson. We continue now with the latest report on Henny Penny's frenzied journeys.
When Pilgrim Penny was inkless & without quill, she attempted to borrow the required items from her neighbors. Repeatedly she asked each of her neighbors, "Will you help me pen my letters & ink my po-ems?" Repeatedly Penny received the reply, "Not I." After having been rebuked, written off, brushed aside, and stranded to her own company, Pilgrim Penny set out to procure a new quill & some ink. Having successfully acquired the desired ink & quill, Henny Penny has resumed the writing of her letters and penning of her po-ems. Now Henny Penny's neighbors, curious as felines, wish to read Penny's letters & po-ems.
Hearing through their soured grapevines that Penny's voluminous letters & poetic po-ems contain visionary verse & prophetic prose, the formerly disinterested neighbors are now hungry to have Penny's writings. One by one, they have come knocking at Penny's door. "Please, Penny, may I have a po-em?" ... "Neighbor Penny! Have you letters to share?" ... "Pilgrim Penny, I've heard you penned prophetic prose. I'd be grateful for a copy." On and on ... they came, they begged, they pleaded. But Henny Penny has refused to share her letters & po-ems with those who had refused to share their ink & quills. She asked each of them, "Where were you when I needed a quill? Why did you refuse to lend me some ink?" And each replied with a lame excuse for their deprivations. "Shame, shame!" were the only words Penny offered.
We will update this fascinating tale of feuds, friends, foes, and finger pointing as soon as Pilgrim Penny pens her next installment of poetic justice.
In the Courier's last issue we reported on the advent of the new year and the hysteria it had caused among Mohicanland's rapidly aging GGGG's. After having read of the panic that seized so many of Mohicanland's old biddies, the Mohicaan Bountyess was moved to pity. Desiring to alleviate the widespread misery and improving the failing health of Mohicanland's citizenry, the Mohicaan Bountyess decided to set out in search of a rejuvenating source of healthy ingredients to bring back stamina, energy, humor, & wit to Mohicanland. Hearing of Sassy Soothsayer's sister Sissy Doomsayer's midnight flight to the Spanish territories in search of a fabled fountain of youth, the Mohicaan Bountyess wondered if there could exist such a place. Following the foaming rivers southward, she journeyed to the Spanish territories to find the answer.
The Courier has learned of the Mohicaan Bountyess' return from the south where she has reportedly located the famed fountain. "Though I can't tell you its exact location, I can confirm that it does indeed exist!" said the Bountyess. "It's a great day for Mohicanland's GGGG's. I've discovered the source of rejuvenating remedies & healing herbs! Long live Mohicanland's old biddies!" With her various supplies in hand, the Mohicaan Bountyess now intends to open a Health Shoppe on the frontier. "I plan on giving the entire Main Square a much needed face-lift," said the Bountyess. "Bee alert for changes in Mohicanland's Shoppes!"
We will naturally report on the Mohicaan Bountyess' Frontier Shoppe make-over.
Doctor Mary will be holding another seminar at the Mohicanland Rest Home. The infamous doctor will be hosting a presentation on dementia and its many interesting faces. Titled "Sybil; So Full Of Personality," the seminar is designed to bring out the very best one in each of us. The Doctor will be offering tips on making the most of mood swings and contradictions by learning to sort out our multiple selves. "I always advise my more colorful patients to make friends among their many selves. Learn to nurture your multi-egos and you'll find you'll never be alone! Ha ha ha ha!" The public is encouraged to attend this exciting presentation as a way to discover the secrets of happy lunacy. "Bring a friend. Ha ha!" says Doctor Mary.
Though admission is free, donations of brandy, English Shillings, and Dutch Guilders would be most welcome.
The infamous frontier renegade, Mr. Simon Girty, has reportedly found a home in Mohicanland. According to an anonymous & unidentified nosey-body, the renegade terror has been hanging around Miss Marcia's shed where the scandalized Miss Marcia allegedly tosses him supper. "I know they're REAL friendly," said the anonymous tattle tale, "cause she calls him 'Dirty Girty' which is a familiar term reserved only for Mr. Girty's closest acquaintances." When asked to comment on the allegations and gossip, Miss Marcia attempted to avert the question by shoving a hefty tin plate of freshly made fu-uudge in this reporter's face. We promise to pursue this story until we have satisfied ourselves of the truth and we refuse to allow Miss Marcia to fu-uudge the issue.
In a related scandal, Miss Marcia, who was recently released from Mohicanland's Rest Home, has been seen cavorting about with the mysterious Sheriff Bent Twigg and his weasly competitor Dweebie Day-Lewis. Though Miss Marcia has neither confirmed nor denied these clandestine meetings, we believe them to be accurate and truthful, as well as reliable and honest. There are no other details of the scandalous trysts available at this time though we expect to have all the dirt by our next issue's deadline. Stay tuned, stay informed.
Rich Fed is reportedly recovering swiftly from his bout with depression at Mohicanland's Rest Home. Under the care of Doctor Mary, Rich Fed is undergoing a unique, intense therapy called "Bee Happy." According to the primary care-giver and Queen of Quackery, the treatment requires a total immersion in positive thinking. "What we do with chronically diagnosed patients like this," said Doctor Mary, "is place them in a brightly painted room with Happy Face stickers plastered all over the walls. We then have coloring sessions ... all happy, brightly colored crayons, mind you, and we blow up balloons with smiling bumble bees on them. Lastly, when we feel the patient has shown sufficient progress on their road to recovery, we teach them how to sing Mr. Roger's uplifting tune "Won't You Be My Neighbor." The Doctor added that Rich Fed did suffer a slight set back when a suspicious get well card had somehow slipped by her attention and was delivered to the patient. "Whoo! That was totally upsetting." The card, which had been sent by unknown persons, simply said, "We're leaving town. It's all your fault. Deny you know us." Doctor Mary assured us that the effects of the "bummer card" have been "happily reversed." Rich Fed is expected to be released on the first sunny day.
Militia Officials are withholding all reports of criminal activity until further notice. A spokesperson for the Militia told the Courier it is only a temporary gag order and that all reported crimes will be released as soon as the accomplices of the Pretender to the Throne have been flushed out. We will print these reports immediately upon receipt.
EDITORS' NOTE: We have suspended various features of the Courier until next issue. In light of the recent wars and upheaval in Mohicanland, we have opted to turn our attention and intensify our efforts to the investigation of the bad guys. We expect to resume our regularly scheduled programs shortly. We thank you for your patience and remind you that the Eyes Of Argos are upon you!