THE COURIER ... Issue Thirteen
In the aftermath of Mohicanland�s latest war, authorities vowed to prepare proper defenses against further attacks by initiating several innovative programs. To determine the best course of action for the Colony�s defense, Mohicanland officials held a high level cabinet meeting at Bumppo�s Tavern. After the high level cabinets were sufficiently relieved of all casks, kegs, & bottles of rum, the officials hit the lower levels for a bit more "inspiration". The resulting outline of Mohicanland�s Peacetime War Efforts was not only inspired, it was mightily creative.
Among the initiatives expected to be implemented is an innovative piece of legislation called the Courtesy Curfew. The edict calls for all visitors to Mohicanland to be given a courtesy call by Militiamen, at which time they will be given a once over to determine their intent. This is to be followed by a curfew invitation. The "invitation" requires the visitor to adhere to curfew laws as outlined in the new "Welcome To Mohicanland" handbook. The handy book states that all travelers found wanting in courteous manners are to be shut up in their cabins & forbidden to speak publicly after 10:00 AM in the morning. When asked whether this might be a "tad bit harsh" one �still� inspired official replied, "Thereish a war goin on. Howish it you ... never mind." We believe he was trying to say "no."
Another idea proposed at the high level meeting is the "Martial Plan" - which calls for all sojourners entering Mohicanland using a phony alias to undergo martial arts, martial law, & martial ostracization. This proposal recommends suspicious visitors be greeted with "Hi Ya!" - before getting dragged - kicking & screaming to house arrest while militia officials shun their outbursts, tantrums, & fits. One citizen commented; "It sure beats tar & feathering. We�re gonna get a big kick out of this!"
In the coup de grace de coup d` e-tat, the high level cabinet participants upheld the raising of a Frontier Female Fighting Force called the "Wah-Ta-Wah Warrioresses." Initially, the proposed military unit was to be made up of maidenly females modeled after the nine classic Muses. The profile was scrapped after several persons pointed out there were "serious questions pertaining to the virtuous virtues of many of Mohicanland�s leading ladies" and very few "pure, prim, & proper prospects" remained in the Colony. After further discussion & yet more "inspiration", the committee nominated the Prima Donnas who would serve in the defense of Mohicanland. The list includes the Sachemess, Commander Achillse, the Mohicanland Traders - English, Canadian, & Dutch- , Can-Tuck-ee Victoria, Kathy Ess, The Three Little Piggies, Old Crone, Pilgrim Penny, She-Who-Tracks-La Longue Carabine, Ye Olde Towne Crier, & Doctor Mary. Miss Marcia was booted out of any consideration after concerns were raised in regard to her "preoccupation & incessant cavorting & flirting with several Mohicanland gentlemen." All she would say about the rejection is, "Oh, fu-uudge!" Her paid personal consultant & tea leaf supplier, Madame Claire Voyant, swiftly reminded Miss Marcia of her follies. "I told you so! I told you this was going to happen!"
The Wah-Ta-Wah Warrioresses have already held several "chat sessions" ... and they weren�t about tea. According to one femme fatale, a preliminary battle scheme has been worked out with the help of a few do-gooder mercenary Hurons. An impromptu rally was held in Mohicanland�s Main Square to prompt the cheering of the Warrioresses. Shouts of "Wah-ta-we-wahnt?" were promptly answered with "War!" Commander Achillse, a firm believer in visual aids, held up a fork and announced a "Three Pronged Attack Plan" designed to flush out, identify, & punish all enemies of Mohicanland. "It�s a fan-tastic plot," said the War Veteran. "The fur is really gonna fly!" As the Commander hobbled away, a cynical spectator questioned her ability to serve with a bruised heel. "It�s heeling, you heel!" replied the jovial & well balanced Achillse. The heckler was shot.
There are unconfirmed reports the Wah-Ta-Wah Warrioresses have infiltrated enemy territory. While the Warrioresses have neither confirmed nor denied these reports, one defender did whisper, "It�s easy. There are several defectors from the enemy camp who have offered lots of informative information. We�ve got the goods on them she-devils!" We will, of course, promptly inform our readers of all further developments in this war for "truth, justice, and the Mohicanland way."
Notorious renegade Simon Girty has been creating mayhem in our colony with his uncivilized manner of terror and ill-mannered ways. According to several annoyed citizens, Mr. Girty has wreaked havoc along the frontier & disrupted the peace of our streets with his wild behavior. He�s reeked of brandy to boot. Inciting unmarried females to "take a walk on the wild side," Mr. Girty has allegedly corrupted "more than one naive lass" with his "laced cider and handy scalpin� knife." While it is common knowledge that he�s been taking up with Miss Marcia, we now have learned the two-timing Girty the Terrible has been flirting and courting the recently returned She-Who-Tracks La Longue Carabine. Sporting a �new you� look, She�s fiery red hair & "femi-nine gifts" have caught the roving eye of Girty. New to the ways of ruffles & lace, She has been struggling to track her way through the rites of courtship. "Ah never knew jus� how hard this femi-nine business was. Ah been trippin� over my petticoat tryin� to get it right." When asked who was teaching her the ways of female manipulation, She replied, "A few of the girls have been�a helpin�, but my new main squeeze Simon has really been helpful. I think he�s a natur�list. He says he�s gonna teach me somethin� about birds and bees! Though I still don� get why he says I have to �lose the chaperone� at nightfall."
Some citizens have expressed their concerns about Mr. Girty�s "bad influence" on Mohicanland�s ladies and have organized a �crime stopper watch.� "Best to keep an eye on the scoundrel before he goes and turns �em all into Hurdy Girty Girls!" said one patron at Bumppo�s Tavern. When asked why he was so hostile to Mr. Girty, Reverend Wheelock continued, "Don�t need no competition around here."
Despite the growing anti-renegade faction, it appears that Mr. Girty is here to stay. We advise good old common sense; Lock you doors, hide your whisky, and send your daughters to boarding school.
Mohicanland�s neighbor women from the little known Algonquian Ascone tribe organized an invigorating protest march down Mohicanland�s lanes last week to denounce what they believe to be "the rise of bad blood and hot air." When asked what their beef was, the Ascone women said they�re tired of "WannaBee White chicks calling themselves In-di-an." One women added, "And we don�t eat beef, we eat venison."
Carrying wampum belts that read "Ascone Squaws Against Little White Lies" and "Yangeese Go Home" the women marched from the forest trails to Mohicanland�s Main Square where they assembled for speeches, trade, and gossip. Asked why they chose Mohicanland as their march site, a clan mother replied, "Better water." She then added, "We know who our friends are. We�ve come here to enlist your support in our anti-litter campaign. Let�s join together to chase off the bad bloods and take out the trash." The clan mother then gave a speech more deeply stirring to the bad bloods than any imagining could possible have been which was greeted with vows of support from all present. A few �not all there� people ran off to hide in the forest.
After several more speakers addressed issues involving race relations and the relationship to races, a feast was held on the commons. The Mohicanland Traders were on hand to check out the goods while many women engaged in pleasant exchanges of spicy gossip - a favorite time honored tradition of the female majority. One Ascone woman was deliberately overheard telling the Mohicaan Bountyess that she had heard from a friend of a back-stabbing friend about "secret trading places" and tips on "getting around the ethics issue." The shocked Mohicaan Bountyess was then deliberately overheard to say, "They should all be sold down river."
A lot of goods were bartered, sold, and stolen. One Ascone woman made a killing with her wares. After the awl was removed from the scoundrel�s belly, his dead body was swiftly carried off. The woman then turned her attention back to selling her hand crafted, custom made, brain-tanned doeskin T-capes. Phrases done in exquisite quill work made these a hot item. The two most popular slogans were "Don�t Shoot Till You See The White In Their Eyes!" and "My Relations? ... Dream On." The Dutch Trader was quick to snatch up as many as she could, with an eye towards redistribution in her mother�s country. "The Dutchies back home just love ethnic souvenirs." The Canadian Trader did a bit of shrewd bargaining as well. She was observed selling the same "one and only" beaver hat 15 times. All in all, it was a good day to buy.
Mrs. Mary Long Carabine has started a Women�s Circle Coffee Club. According to Mrs. Long Carabine, the group was organized to offer lonely goodwives a social outlet while they waited and waited and waited for their "menfolk to show up from their hunting excursions." Planned activities include knitting, cake baking, deer skinning, moon shining, gardening, archery competitions, gossip, sedition, prayer meetings, tobacco spitting, canning, cussing, & reading. "We�ve already got 20 members," said Mrs. Long Carabine, "and we expect more once news of our exciting afternoon gatherings gets around."
Anyone interested in joining this frontier home companion group should contact Miss Mary Long Carabine anytime her husband is out.
She-Who-Tracks-La Longue Carabine was seen rummaging through area trash pits last week while mumbling about being "off balance." When local residents questioned She about She's odd behavior, She explained that She was only trying to locate a missing moccasin. "I'm no good to anyone with one bare foot. I need another moccasin and I need it fast!" sobbed She. Please help She locate her missing moccasin. Her track record depends upon it.
Miss Marcia is hosting a fu-uudge making contest at Reverend Wheelock�s home next Sunday. Great prizes and shilling awards will be given to winners. Participation is open to anyone interested as long as "they ain�t spoon lickers." There are several fu-uudge categories to enter including chocolate, vanilla, pecan, buttered rum, walnut, & assorted. Entries will be judged with total impartiality according to the contest�s judge, Miss Marcia. It should be noted that Miss Marcia has already entered all categories herself. "Hurry up & sign on!" said the famed fu-uudge maker. It should be a fun tasteful event, though we are curious as to how contestants will manage to whip up fu-uudge with no sugar presently available in the Colony. According to the Dutch Trader, Miss Marcia has purchased every last pound.
A fashion contest will be held at Mohicanland�s Main Square midnight next Saturday. Organizers say the event is being held to raise money for the "Pygmalion Defense Fund." We don�t know what this Fund is all about but the fashion contest organizers say it�s a good one. Categories include Forest Evening Wear, Colony Casuals, Chemise Career Costumes, & Swimming Hole Suits. The M.C. will be Ye Olde Towne Crier, a fashionable trend setter herself. For further information please cry to the Towne Crier while she�s on her night watch.
A meeting of the CCCC's will be held at She's indoor plumbing, washer/dryer hook up, central heating, rustic cabin next month. Expected to attend is the English Trader and Pilgrim Penny's spirit. We're not quite sure what state that will leave Pilgrim Penny in while the meeting's under way, but we are every bit confident that Penny will be her old spirited self at meeting's end. The CCCC members are planning to organize and compile their collective Cooperisms in order to present a spiffy, comprehensive presentation called "Cooperisms: Their Effect On Social Programs & Deforestation." She, etc. plans to provide ground corn nourishment for the marathon meeting, while the English Trader is sure to offer His Majesty's Tea. Pilgrim Penny's spirit will most likely bring along low calorie food for the soul. We will publish the publishing date of this exciting Cooperism report as soon as it's published.
An APB has been issued for Simon Girty�s Wyandot brothers who are suspected of burning their britches while burning Bass Pond Bridge. According to a Militia spokesperson, the Wyandot brothers were out for a midnight scout along the arched bridge when they happened upon two citizens who were also strolling the bridge. Having had no fun since Mr. Girty began his various courtships of Mohicanland ladies, the Wyandot brothers decided to burn the bridge and strand the star crossed strollers on the wrong side of the river - for fun. The burning was not reported until the following morning due to the inability of the two to cross back over. Identified as �Miss Doe� & �Mr. Doe,� the two reportedly made their way back by locating several handy twigs & branches, assumedly provided by a Mr. J F Cooper. Rumor has it that the victims were none other than She-Who-Tracks & Sheriff Bent Twigg. Unsubstantiated but probable. If anyone knows the whereabouts or about where the Wyandot brothers are please contact Militia Officials.
Peg O�Reilly, tavern keeper and �Jane of all trades� for Bumppo�s Tavern, was held overnight at the Mohicanland lock up. Mrs. O�Reilly was hauled in after she hauled off and booted several patrons out the door of Bumppo�s. "I warned them all," said the fiesty Irish granny. "Weren�t my doing them boys can�t read worth a lick. Tavern rules, ya know! If�n they got no breeches but a loin cloth, they gots to wear a shirt." After Mrs. O�Reilly spelled it out for Militia Officials and explained the need to remove "unnecessary distractions" from the Tavern, she was released and told to boot no more. "Next thin� ya know, they�ll be a�wearin moccasins to an Irish Jig!" said the frustrated taverness. Mrs. O�Reilly has resorted to posting a woodcut engraving of a "well dressed gentleman" on the tavern door.
WISE WORDS OF WISDOM FOR THE WEEK: What can not be helped must be ignored ... or avenged.
EDITORS' NOTE: While we're sure our readers will join us in expressing congratulations to She-Who-Tracks-La Longue Carabine for successfully finding her way back to Mohicanland, we feel compelled to comment upon She's disturbing behavior and questionable fashion sense. We fully realize the trials and tribulations She has endured on the arduous trails She found herself upon. However, this "new me" She has been playing just doesn't seem right for She. Ribbons and ruffles? French heels and femi-nine fineries? A hair-do? What is She thinking? This isn't Petticoat Junction! It's the frontier. It's Mohicanland ... where the women are strong, the men are home cooking, and the kids get snatched in the fields. Corsets and pantaloons just don't seem the way to go when one must hack their way out of the wilderness. We agree with Pilgrim Penny that She ought to toss the 10 LB gravity test She calls a dress and don those old reliable doeskin leggings. The scalp tuft was, we admit, a nice touch to her hair though.
Then there's the matter of She and Mr. Girty. It just won't work. Sure, he goes for red heads! There's nothing more Mr. Girty likes than a full head of red hair waiting to be redressed. She, we urge you to use caution and be reasonable. A renegade suitor? The 'Terror of the Frontier' for a beau? Have you lost your moccasins, She? That scoundrel will toss you to the side like a worn out haversack as soon as he gets a hankering for new victims. Just say no, She. Send the two-timing, horse thieving, barn burning miscreant packing. After all, there is always Sheriff Bent Twigg to consider.
QUESTION OF THE WEEK: Should Mohicanland adopt the new political fad called "Democracy" or should the Colony move toward an independent monarchy? Let us know your thoughts. We'll publish the results as soon as we pay the King's Stamp Tax.