The Mohican Press Courier
All the news that's fit to print ... and then some.
URGENT DISPATCH DISTURBS WAR-MONGER WARRIORESS
Curious as to the cause of the unsettling peace & quiet that settled within MohicanLand lately, the Courier Editors prudently sought an update on the fighting readiness of the colony's defenses should the unsettling peace & quiet not settle down. The confidential report we received from Mohicanland's Prima Donna Quixote, which follows in its entirety, was disturbing in its revelation that the art of war has become much like battling the wind ...
From: Achillse, Commander of the Wah-ta-Wah Warrioresses
Needless to say, this atmospheric love fest is not in the best interest of our colony. It smacks of that odious Neighbor Movement our colony suffered autumn last. Unemployment will surely rise & rigor's mortis shall set in should this stifling trend continue. After all, this is not Pleasantville. It's Mohicanland ... where the woman are strong, the men are home cooking, and the kids get snatched from the fields!
We will keep our citizens up in arms and sufficiently riled about this dreadful peace movement.
(The Courier Editors wish to thank Commander Achillse for this confidential report.)
STRANGE HAPPENINGS HAPPEN IN MOHICANLAND
Upon receipt of reports regarding alleged forest lurkers seeking to lure MohicanLand's innocent wayward strays into dangerous traps, we dispatched a runner before Ruthlessly sending a second runner over the slow runner's deceased corpse. Unburdened by Ruth, our lightweight returned swift as an arrow to provide full report.
It appears there have indeed been lurkers in deed. According to the Ruthless one, the forest lurkers could not be seen but had visibly left their tracks along MohicanLand's borders. Among the evidence of the lurkers' presence were defeathered quill pens, broken inkwells, scratch marks, crumpled parchment, shredded loin cloths, disposable mossies, Doctor Mary paste-up cameos, poison apples, snapped twigs, 'rebellion in four easy steps' pamphlets, small pox, and assorted food scraps. Deciding the matter warranted further inspection, Militia Officials further inspected the various matter. "Yukk!" said one official when asked to give a brief statement. Another obviously agitated official elaborated. "Double Yukk! ... Please don't quote me out of context."
Baffled by the Officials' apparent disgust and trauma, the Courier Editors sent in their own investigative reporters to examine the grime scene. "Basically, it appears there was a cat fight of great cattiness. Claw marks and tufts of hair were seen everywhere. It looks like a felinious war party has been moving up & down the frontier." Another reporter opined his opinion. "I think it was passers-by seeking fun & camaraderie but too shy to share fun & camaraderie with others."
'Tis a pity, we say. With the recent sleepy hollow syndrome still bearing its mark upon some of the afflicted, it could be entertaining therapy for our citizens to witness a good cat fight. Furthermore and more further to the point, it has been rumored that Doctor Mary has been giving serious consideration to the possibility of opening a Cat House ... Mayhap, our feline prowlers have missed their chance for suitable employ.
Stay tuned, stay informed, & stay awake, people!
HIGHLANDERS CAMP ALONG MAIN SQUARE
MohicanLand's population rate has once again soared thanks to the entire Black Watch Regiment's recent relocation to MohicanLand. When asked bluntly, "Why are you here, boys?" by Lowlander Commander Achillse, who suspected the Highlanders might be moving in to usurp the Wah-ta-Wah Warrioresses' role as MohicanLand Defenders, one kilt clad lad replied, "We got no families, captain. Thought we'd stay and lend a hand." Snappy Achillse coldly snapped back, "That's COMMANDER to you. See here, to know one's place is a life matter. You take the high road & I'll take the low road, got it?" With that snappy welcome, Commander Achillse turned heel & headed to Bumppo's to "take some Scotch refreshment."
The Highlanders presence apparently caught the scrutinizing eye of yet another bold MohicanLand citizen. It has been duly noted by many onlookers that Doctor Mary has been spending inordinate amount of hours looking on, tent peeping, & soliciting her wares about the Highlander encampment. When asked by one Miss Prim why she was using General Webb's stolen looking glass at kilt scrubbing time along the river, Doctor Mary replied, "Field research, dearie. Beat it." It is, of course, a well known factual fact that Doctor Mary has been granted an official research grant to study several important scientific matters including; 'Breech Clouts vs Kilts :The Truth behind the Leg-i-see' - 'Post Battle Adrenalin Levels: Measuring Up' - 'Wind Velocity Effects Upon Gust Prone Garments' - 'Celtic Pride/The Nekkid Truth' - & 'Sequel to Heckewelder: Anthropological Studies on the Ways, Customs, Manners, & Miscellaneous Habits of the Highlander.'
According to the grant's underwriter, Doctor Mary herself, the important scientific data shall be published by MohicanLand's new Printing Shoppe under the intellectually catchy title, "Confessions of a Camp Follower; Undercovers Investigations." The Publisher commented, "This ought to be a revealing look ... I mean, book, on campy etiquette."
Meanwhile, we are sure all of MohicanLand's citizens will join us in welcoming the Highlanders to our scandal riddled colony.
MOHICANLAND PRINTING SHOPPE OPENS
The Courier Editors have received confirmation of a previously rumored rumor of the existence of a House of Letters in MohicanLand. Upon confirming the rumors, the Editors set out to confirm the actual story. We have discovered the rumors thus rumored are, in fact, true. MohicanLand now boasts an official Printing Shoppe, the establishment being conveniently situated along the primary main square, the Main Square. According to the Printing Shoppe proprietess, Miss Vita Scribe, the printing presses are rolling & the quill pens are scratching. "We are in possession of Ol' Ben's printing press & have reacquired Poor Richard's Almanack. We have found appropriate employ for several drunken MohicanLand citizens and will publish various journals penned within our colony. From A to Z, we're your source for printed scandals, tell-all tall tales, & colony hisssstories."
There is a curious footnote to this novel news. It has been reported that several attempts to stop the presses have been made by unknown saboteurs. The hyper-censortives have vandalized, scandalized, and otherwise fantasized in their attempts to bring down the House. What a riot! Alas ... the House still stands & publications of the finest MohicanLand traditions shall hit the trails.
Contact Miss Vita Scribe for further information or to procure bootleg copies of scandal sheets.
Mrs. Mary Long Carabine hosted another MohicanLand Women’s Circle Coffee Club meeting last week. All who attended agreed it was a lovely Klatch meet and seemed particularly fond of Mrs. Mary Long Carabine's guest of honor, Edgar Allen Foe. Mister Foe was on hand to offer tips to the swelling numbers of amateur poets within the colony. Following his spine chilling presentation, "Dead Poets Society; How to Become One of Us," the guest of honor read several poems written by other Dead Poets before concluding his presentation with an especially morbid reading from his own autobiographical life story. Mrs. Mary Long Carabine swooned and nearly fainted, saying, "He's sooooooooo deathly dark," before shamelessly inviting Mr. Foe to stay the night. His rapidly beating tell-tale heart suggested he accepted the hospitable offer for "poetic justice."
Other highlights included demonstrations on 'Fireside Cookery' by Miss Marcia Stewart who instructed the ladies on how to fu-uudge supper when the pantry is bare, 'The Fine Art of Tobaccy Spittin' by She-Who-Tracks-Etc, 'Gnome Hunting With Your Eyes Shut' by Dana S. Oakley, & 'Interior Decorating with Simon Girty.'
The hostess served her guests Double Shot Whisky Cake & Hot Toddies, afterwards declaring the afternoon a "smashing success." Another meeting will be held in a fortnight. Among the topics to be enjoyed; 'Embezzlement With Flare' presented by the Traders' Guild & 'How To's of Huron Heaven' by Magua's Moll, Ros.
Remember, anyone interested in joining this frontier home companion group should contact Mrs. Mary Long Carabine anytime her husband is out or highly intoxicated.
Ye Olde Towne Crier, having finally retrieved her stolen Black Satin Duds & punched tin lantern, has returned to faithfully stand watch over MohicanLand for events, assaults, & scandals. Crying out loud, Ye Olde Towne Crier has kept all citizens informed of other citizen's every move. This is how it should be, for crying out loud is a highly specialized public service art form essential to the survival of every despotic community. Additionally, it should be noted that practitioners of Towne Crying generally lose their voices prematurely & need to ingest inordinate levels of sassafrass & slippery elm. Remember their sacrifices for crying out loud & next time you pass Ye Olde Towne Crier, bow your head and give thanks. (A six pence in her tin cup wouldn't harm ye, either.)
Mr. Billy Gnome nearly drowned last week while paying a courtesy call to Doctor Mary. While the details remain sketchy, it appears bored Doctor Mary deliberately set a trap on her front porch for the expected visitor. After retrieving the submerged Billy Gnome from the shallow copper pan filled with second rate moonshine, the good doctor laughed, "It's soakin' wet! Ha Ha Ha!" & hung him out to dry in the event he might successfully resuscitate himself (she refused to assist). Once revived, Billy Gnome managed to unpin himself from the taut thong & dash away unmolested. He was heard cursing in Gnomic & vowing he'd "get the old charlatan for this! The wiii-iitch!"
We sincerely hope the experience hasn't dampened Mr. Gnome's spirits. He's usually a chipper fellow when he imbibes good spirits.
The Courier Editors have learned the true purpose of the recent foray into New Zealand taken by both the Dutch & English Traders. Apparently, the two have been trading in black market goods for quite some time & decided to take their lucrative enterprise one step further. The NZ trip was not, as they both claim, a simple get-away from Cabin Fever. It was a carefully planned excursion intended solely to ascertain the abc's of Penal Colony management. Though their treachery & trickery has been thwarted, the frightening truth is that MohicanLand came mightily close to acquisition by the two tradesmen in exchange for debts incurred by the Crown. (His Majesty has a fondness for drink unmatched by the Royal Treasury.) It was their plan to restructure our colony into a criminal landholding & enslave all citizens by declaring the whole lot to be thugs & scalawags. This would be, of course, a slight exaggeration. Reportedly, an alternative payment plan has been inked out & the Colony might expect to be hit with a Sugar Tax soon.
We need add a word of caution to all citizens. There is reason to believe the Canadian Trader, French Trader, & the Mohicaan Bountyess were in on this evile plot. Though we have no solid evidence of their involvement, the possibility remains that there may indeed be a multi-national terrorist movement underfoot. Beware what you sign when Traders are about lest you find yourself indentured for seven years.
The word is, around town, that Sheriff Benton (just call me Bent) Twigg
Should any further scandalous developments develop from this scandal, we'll be sure to inform our readers.
Can-Tuck-ee Victoria has reportedly entered into an alliance with Magua's Moll, Ros, to have the Hearty Huron declared 'Most Popular MohicanLand Hero' in the upcoming elections. Additionally, the two have initiated a vigorous campaign to have Magua named 'Most Likely To Succeed In Real Estate Acquisitions & Bar-B-Q Catering.' Though it is not known for sure whether or not they are involved, the two women have been linked to the sudden disappearance of several Hawkeye supporters. The missing women were all last seen bound & gagged along the Cliff Trails in the company of Ros & Can-Tuck-ee Victoria. Thus far, accusations are merely circumstantial speculations & the publick is discouraged from drawing any conclusions.
Miss Kate & Miss Adele, both immigrants from the British Isles, have allegedly plotted to nab some "trade goods" & smuggle them undetected to the English countryside without paying duty. When asked how they intended to pull off such a stunt, they both started blinking rapidly and stated they'd, "Bat our eyelashes & keep the goods hidden in Miss Kate's quilts. No gentleman of English birth wouldst dare peek beneath a lady's quilt!" It would appear the two ladies have their plan well covered.
Wise Words Of Wisdom For The Week: Scatter thorns and steal your enemies' boots.
From the Editors' Desk: As many of you know, the results are in from our last survey. When asked whether MohicanLand should adopt the trendy, silly, it's to laugh - democratic form of government or go with absolutism, an overwhelming majority enthusiastically replied, "Absolutism ... if you please!" There you have it. The system works. Say nothing more ...
As we shan't.
Next Issue: THE COURIER ... Special Issue Sixteen