The Mohican Press Courier
All the news that's fit to print ... and then some.
G2K INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING PAYS OFF
Under grave danger of discovery leading to certain grave death, Courier reporters have successfully uncovered the latest MohicanLand scam. Known as G2K, a code term often used by war time propagandists to woo & gain the public's trust, the charade was carried out under the guise of a wilderness trek atop MohicanLand's popular mountain resort, known as Table Rock, and other frontier Hot Spots, including the decadent gilded mansion of wealthy Dutch patroon Master Van derbilt. At Van derbilt's secluded get away, where 'Built More' is definitely the gilded rule to live by, unsuspecting citizens were bribed, courted, robbed, wined & dined, offered tea in the courtyard, and in at least one case, poisoned. The apparent motive was, at first, not apparent but has since become clearly transparent. Said one speculator, "Beads and Brandy. Those are the ways of the merchants and le Francais Trader. Make a buck, make a buck ..." The old coot then resumed dipping a shallow punched tin pan in and out of King James' Lake.
The buck, beads, & brandy motive proved to be on the money as various organizers of the G2K Scam were seen sporting several fathoms of wampum & jingling loosely with pouches heavily laden with His Majesty's coins. Our reporters, after interviewing & intimidating many attendees of the G2K outing, were able to piece together a lurid tale of seduction, promises, profiteering, & extortion & upon examination of both the known & unknown facts, we concluded the following.
G2K was planned & executed carefully by several persons of dubious reputations & even more questionable personalities. Presented to a gullible, adventcha seeking, cabin fever suffering populace as a "pleasant, easy paced excursion" through the wilderness it proved to be anything but that. Manipulated from the beginning, the hapless victims never stood a chance. The "excursion" was sabotaged with snares designed to wear down the 'trekkers' to such a degree they'd lose their strength as well as their judgment. According to several persons, the scam was in play as early as Thursday. "As soon as they [ traders & accomplices] arrived they set out to setting up shoppe. Didn't so much as wave halloooo or offer directions. All they did was scurry about with their blankets & trade trinkets," said one shaken guest. Another had this to add; "That Frenchie Trader was the worst. I was passin' by the Trading Post, minding my own business, when he suddenly yells out, 'Dammiiiit!!!' - I jumped & turned about to see what was the trouble & there he stood, musket in hand, scowling at me. He says, ' Get outta the way. You're blocking the merchandise. If you ain't buying then you best get to movin' on out of here, fast.' I just hurried right along as I didn't favor havin' my hat filled with ball & powder." Others had similar tales of trade terror. "I was strolling about camp Thursday evening & stopped by the Post to look about. I noticed the Dutch Trader setting by the Mohicaan Bountyesses' shoppe so I decided to chat a bit. As soon as I approached she said, ' You want these?' I saw she was pointing to a pair of ball & cone earrings. Before I could answer she snaps, 'You want these or not? The only ones you'll find. They're the actual earrings taken from the dead body of Uncas after he lost his balance along the cliffs.' I hesitated, not sure if I was ready to buy. 'Look here,' she says, 'I don't have all night. You want them or not? I'm raising the price every hour so I'm doing you a favor.' I must've shook my head because the next thing I know, she's got my money purse & is tossing the earrings at me. 'Take 'em & get out!' she screamed. Now, I don't mind havin' them but it was a little odd ... about two nights & a bit later I noticed about 40 other people wearing the same exact ball & cone earrings! I do not understand what was happening there." The stories continue, all detailing a brutal pattern of hard sell tactics & shameless deception.
There were several other occurrences that caught the eyes of our reporters and seemed to indicate a scam. The odd absence of E. Lane, who claimed she could not attend the 'outings' due to "child care issues" yet conveniently showed up at camp on the last evening, accompanied by a mysterious newcomer known as Michael Baby; the spontaneous betrothal of Miss Sharon & Soldier #2 atop the resort Table Rock that appeared staged & possibly planned; Soldier #2's claim he was "inspired" to propose whilst dining at Van derbilt's "romantic estate" even though our reporters discovered the dining took place a day after the actual wining; the poisoning of Miss Katie, who took so ill she was obliged to excuse herself & take to fanning under a cool, shady tree - & the observation made by many astute observers that Miss Katie's poisoning conveniently occurred after the Traders discovered she had opened up her own Trading Shoppe; Miss Adele Strumpet's shocking, stunning, sudden transformation from genteel, civilized loyal subject of the Crown to the wheeling, dealing lover of the crown who was peddling everything from Hoo-Haa to Hugs by the close of the "excursion"; The French Trader's excessive supply of Peach Brandy that seemed to somehow find its way to those known to be carrying "plenty of English silver" & the brisk business subsequently done at the French Trader's table; the inconsistent behavior of the camp cook, Ayesha, who had been known as a gracious, pleasant, smiling person before she took on the habit of jumping atop tables yelling, 'Why are you here, girls? Buy tea!'; the Sting Operation along the trail where innocent trekkers were led into a bee's nest, then offered an escape through the newly blazed trail blazed by the French Trader who then demanded a half shilling from all who passed - leading one hysterical woman to charge the trailblazer with 'Highway Robbery' - even the Colonial Woman Susan partook in the Trade War fever of the weekend. Several persons claim she offered to take them for a relaxing canoe trip since she had nothing better to do on the lake but ... having deposited each passenger on an island far across from the shore, Colonial Woman Susan demanded payment for a return trip, claiming she had to "oar twice as hard to accommodate the Gallic laziness" of her non-swimming companions.
Undoubtedly, the entire G2K shindig was a rigged event; a scam concocted by sick individuals who lured innocent victims into their web so as to prosper from their naive inclinations. One militia official said this; "It serves them right. Heading off into the wilderness with folks of such odd names ... CLAY BEAR, G2K, TGAT L, LOTM, RICH FED, HM, DUTCHIE, DVD, GGGGs, M-ETCETERA, etcetera. Pshaw! "
Though our investigation into this scandal will continue, it is unlikely any criminal charges will be pressed at this time. Without the evidence & testimony of our Courier reporters there can be no justice & our reporters, having curiously come into money, have gone off into the wilderness for a Happy Trails getaway. Stay tuned. We at The Courier believe there's much more to this sordid tale than has yet been sorted.
PHILOSOPHER SUSPECTED OF TERRORISM
A recent wave of daily propaganda postings has Militia Officials thoughtfully rethinking their thoughts on pamphleteering. An anonymous person, unidentified other than HM, has taken to posting philosophical ponderings prominently on the door at Bumppo's Tavern. Whilst many of the plagiarized philosophies are probably pleasing to the populace, quite a few are potentially problematic propaganda posted to provoke popular plebian to pugnacious profanities and perhaps prod the people to posture for pretentious possibilities leading to probable predicaments of presumed play rights.
Some officials are pinning the blame on the pen of the Huggy Merchant whilst others, citing the HM signature as a potentate pot shot, point an accusatory finger at His Majesty. The pother has caused quite a stir about MohicanLand. Many citizens find the philosophies thought provoking whilst others view them as dangerous encouragements for happy thoughts.
If anyone has information on the pot stirrer who has penned these philosophies, please contact Militia Officials.
Have a nice day.
Peg O'Reilly has reportedly hired a new tavern wench to assist her at Bumppo's Tavern. The new wench, a red haired lass from South Carolina, had been seeking gainful employment in MohicanLand since her arrival in the colony & is reportedly "pleased to have found favor with Mrs. O'Reilly" & has pledged to carry out her duties "in the manner & fine tradition of all wenches before" her. Mrs. O'Reilly, when asked to confirm the rumor said, " Aye, I've taken on a lass & she best be on her guard. The gentlemen who frequent this establishment are a rowdy lot & the ladies are e'en worse."
Miss Mary Long Carabine had a birthday celebration last week. A party was held in her honor at her own cabin while her husband was away. The guest list has not been released but rumor has it the birthday girl has been blackmailing those in attendance. The 'Pay up or I'll rat on you' list, as it's been called, is reportedly bringing in a lot of wampum to the resourceful homemaker.
To be continued as soon as we gather more dirt ... and how long could THAT be?!?
Next Issue ... THE COURIER ... BREAKING NEWS