A Revisionist's Tale

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Posted by Anonymous M Freak on August 10, 1998 at 12:25:16:

A Revisionist Version of The Last of the Mohicans, as written by a Foo-Foo Wannabe

Having read the posts of the last few days with great interest (and you can plainly see how boring my life must be in order for this to interest me greatly!) I feel in my bones that there are too many things wrong with this Mohican story for it to be garnering such widespread reputation as a classic adventure yarn. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to come up with an outline for a much more acceptable story, to wit:

Opening scenes: Beautiful mountain vistas, great music, purple haze, yada, yada, yada
Three men racing through the woods, chasing down big hairy animal.
Much ado about wars and British soldiers and Indian alliances, and so forth…all political stuff here, no one really cares…
Now, to the main characters:

First we have, of course, the title character, Chingachgook, Last of the Mohicans. Well, right off the bat, we're in trouble, since Ching is really NOT the last of these Mohicans, but we'll let this little misnomer remain, and consider it literary license, a device apparently issued willy-nilly to those in the writing profession, and designed to allow them to pass off any bit of misinformation that they wish to perpetuate upon an unsuspecting public as gospel truth.

Then, we have Hawkeye, alias Nathaniel Poe, alias Natty Bumppo (but that's in another incarnation)…widely perceived to be a hero but in actuality a miserable cowardly wretch who doesn't have the decency to DIE when he fights for those he loves. Hawkeye is Chingachgook's adopted white son, and thus, has rights far beyond most men of his station in life, enabling him to wander back & forth between the world of the White Oppressors and the World of the Noble Savage, and thereby ensuring that no matter who's ahead in the Battle of Life, he has a place on their team. This is very handy when you are a craven coward, and allows you many opportunities for saving your own skin.

Next we have Chingachgook's REAL son, Uncas…a man with enough sense to know that if you want to be a martyr, you must give your life for the cause, even if it means you fail in your attempt to rescue your beloved. Also, it helps to have a face that looks like it's sculpted in bronze and a body to die for, and the ability to gaze silently, yet profoundly, off into space, giving filmgoers plenty of opportunity to credit you with many lofty thoughts and philosophies , when you are actually thinking things like, "What time is pemmican break?" and "These moccassins are killing me!"

On to Cora, Frontier Slut and general all around hussy, who is often mistaken for being brave because she'd rather fight than stand by passively while being attacked by bloodthirsty savages. In reality, she's a craven coward of the same ilk as Hawkeye, the man she's seen wantonly cavorting with on the ramparts at Fort William Henry. She displays this inexcusable cowardice by HOLDING STILL when thrown to the ground by a great big lout who has a knife the size of Darth Vader's light saber jammed against her throat. Of course, she only holds still for a second when she sees her yellow-bellied lover approaching, but it's long enough for we of the discerning public to ascertain her true colors.

Everyone loves a man in uniform, especially a RED uniform (eh, Soldier #2?) so let us next consider Major Duncan Heyward…will you consider this? Duncan is an obviously treacherous, lying, no good, scoundrel of a dirty dog, who came to the colonies strictly to cause trouble for the already beleaguered frontiersmen of the time, and to attend at least one of the Celebrity Roasts made famous world-wide by the Native peoples of America…imagine his surprise to find out it is NOT like he imagined it, thinking of it in Boston & London, and HIS corns are the ones to be roasted! But we are getting ahead of ourselves here. Before the Sachem sends out orders for the Hurons to flick their Bics, Duncan tries lying in front of Cora because he is jealous of her growing affection for that Liver-Lillied Hawkeye, and he is certain that having her witness him telling a big, fat fib will win her heart forever. Once again, his plan is foiled. When he speaks to Cora privately, she reacts to his perfidy by yelling, "Liar, liar, pants on fire!" and spitting in his general Di-rection!

And finally, we have the only two people in the tale worth worrying about…first, Alice, younger sister of the above mentioned Cora, who has spent her young life living in her sister's shadow & being considered weak because she has allowed herself to be led around like a puppy on a leash, whimpering things like "What will happen here, Papa?" and "Cora…??" but who, secretly (this is a DEEP secret, now) is tremendously brave and unafraid, and able to leap tall cliffs in a single bound! Anyone who has doubts about this need only threaten her with a weapon of war or even a pointy stick, and she will promptly go into a vacant-eyed trance, just to prove that she has great GOBS of courage fairly dripping from her.

And that brings us to that hero's hero, Magua the Man. Magua is the true hero of our tale, no matter what anyone has ever told you to the contrary. Magua has been done dirty by the Gray Hair, and, as is the wont of true heroes everywhere, is determined that he will exact a revenge that will make the Gray Hair sorry he ever looked at his marching orders in jolly old England and said, "You want to send me WHERE? The colonies?? What the bloody hell plan is this??" Everyone knows the hero's path is a difficult one, but all viewers will step in line behind Magua when he begins his bloody, scalp-taking, child-murdering, heart-munching march through the forests of New York. Who can fail to rejoice at his victories in battle, his plans for retribution to be enacted upon every man, woman & child of his enemies, or his new, low-fat, low-chloresteral, yet HEART-y diet?? We'll cheer, we'll laugh, we'll applaud his every swing of the tomahawk and slice of the knife, as he shows us in great detail and living color exactly what a hero should be, not to mention what a hero should EAT!

Well, what say you, Mohican Maniacs? Is this not how the story SHOULD be told??

An Anonymous M Freak
(Disclaimer: This is written with TONGUE firmly in cheek, to make us all smile about these silly things we've been arguing about. No offense intended!)

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