Re: Figure Eight to Hawkeye...The TRUTH!

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Posted by Sassy Soothsayer on October 01, 1998 at 10:39:51:

In Reply to: Figure Eight to Hawkeye posted by The Bee Holder on October 01, 1998 at 07:55:17:

The Bee Holder writes:

: I send my exotic little Oriental messenger Wo Bee Tu Yu to buzz this message in your ear.

: You follow a crooked path. You have beetrayed the traditions of Chingachgook and Uncas. There is a Mingo camp to bee swarmed and a maiden to bee rescued. It is time to tuck yourself back in your buckskin, shoulder Killdeer and make a beeline for Schroon Lake, you pitiful drone! Bee warned - if the Mingo camp is Raided without you, you will lose the film contract to Dwee Bee Day-Lewis.

Dear Sagacious Bee Holder:

Do not bee fooled by the salacious, mendacious, and possibly HERBACIOUS (you never know what these California gals are smokin'!) lies spread by that nefarious group, the 3 Little Piggies! They will say ANYTHING for attention and glory. I have consulted my crystal ball and located Hawkeye for you (and for She-Who-Tracks-La-Longue-Carabine, who seems to have lost track, gotten off the track, and been tracked by others, instead). He is NOT the scurrilous, woman-chasing, ne'er-do-well he has been portrayed as being of late. No way, Ho-say! It's really a much simpler story:

It seems Hawkeye was called upon, once again, to rescue his one and only true love, Miss Cora Munro (another whose character has been sullied of late by SOME who are jealous of her courage, strength and LOYALTY). Miss Cora had set out in her birchbark canoe, which she had crafted with her own two hands, hacking the bark out of the wilderness and burying the thusly stripped trees along the way. She was attempting to paddle through some very rough white water, in order to reach a luxurious patch of wild watercress she needed for a special luncheon for her Main Man, Nathaniel. Her thoughts were on her recipe for cress and cucumber sandwiches, when suddenly the current caught her canoe and sent her careening down the stream & into a veritable maelstrom of foaming, frothing, splashing, crashing, unpleasant-to-be-canoeing-in and dangerously furious water!! What to do?? She thought for a moment, and decided that though she was known for her courage and strength, there was only one prudent course of action in this she opened her mouth and yelled "Haaaaaawwwwwwkkkkkk-eyyyyyyyyyyyyye!" at the top of her considerable lungs!!

Upon hearing his beloved calling, Hawkeye, who had been busy polishing his wampum belt, threw down his bear grease and cloth, and sprinted for the riverbank. Using his vast experience as a man of the frontier, he quickly ascertained that the Damsel in Distress in the spinning canoe was his Very Own Cora and quite obviously needed, without regard for his own safety or the well-being of his buckskin covered Addidas running shoes, he flung himself over the steep riverbank & into the strong current. Alas, he had forgotten completely that he still had a haunch of venison, two pounds of corn meal, Cora's cast iron stew pot, and a Tupperware container of Squirrel fritters left over from the previous night's dinner strapped to his strong, well-muscled back. He sank like a stone!

Cora, on the other hand, had managed to grab a vine hanging over the river & hoist her dainty little self to safety, just in time to see her canoe, her Beloved and her precious Leftovers all plunge over the falls and disappear downstream! She managed to save herself, thinking if only one of them survived, something of the other did, too. But that's another story. As for Hawkeye, he washed up on a rock miles away and, after bouncing off one hundred and six boulders and a sunken log, had sustained several painful knocks on the noggin. The upshot of it all is, when he came to, he hadn't a clue who, what, or where he was, and has been wandering the forest ever since as a sort of 18th Century Euell Gibbons, eating oak leaves and licking pine cones!!

And that, my dear Bee Holder, is the gospel truth!! The 3 Little Piggies have sullied his name and reputation, while all the time, he has been wandering like a Babe-O-Licious in the Woods, trying to figure out what the heck Tupperware is! So, when you are through with your rescue mission to save She-Who-Tracks, could you please send Bee Still My Heart to help poor Hawkeye??

Yours Most Sincerely & Ever So Semitruthfully,
Sassy Soothsayer a/k/a Mme. Claire Voyant
Motto: When We Don't Know, We'll Make Something Up

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