Posted by The Huggy Merchant on June 28, 2000 at 04:36:00:
In Reply to: Re: Top Ten Tears Tips posted by French Trader on June 27, 2000 at 22:09:39:
Cher Monsieur
You could charm a cheese puff from a cheese puff bush with no need for a knife! The hugs and kisses you may keep for I have plenty more of those for everyone. However, I do suggest you return the truss you stole from Sheriff Twigg for he has been looking rather uncomfortable particularly in light of recent goings-on in town.
Yours embracingly
The Huggy Merchant
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: Mon ami,
: Very well! Put me on a guilt trip. If you are missing a watch or ring, come by the Trade Post and I`ll see if I still have it. The huggs and kisses, I have hidden in a special place, within my heart, and you can`t have them back. To do so may break that heart.
: Unscrupulous? Maybe. A rogue? Weeeell, I~ll let you decide for yourself on that one.
: French Trader
: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
: : Friends, Mohicanites and Countryfolk,
: : Allow me to introduce myself - a new trader in your midst. But unlike those Dutch, English and French brandy soaked and wampum obsessed scoundrels - I am a trader of generosity and kindness, love and hope and well.....just downright pleasantry.
: : As my first act of niceness I would like to offer some helpful advice to one or two rather pitiful souls who have recently been observed in the NC vicinity a-wailing and a-crying in a most inappropriate and undignified manner. They shall remain nameless but it has been rumoured that one of them at least is not to be trusted around vehicles of the automobile variety.
: : So with no further ado let me share from my vast and endless wealth of experience a few little tips on the correct protocol for bawling in a public venue.
: : The Huggy Merchants Top Ten Tears Tips
: : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
: : 1. Always carry plenty of tissues - a little bawling can arouse sympathy, but a snot stream the size of Hickory falls will soon put an end to that.
: : 2. Carry a little bottle of eye drops for that post-blubber redness. A little pink around the eyes is acceptable but when the whites of ones eyes start resembling a scarlet version of Billy Gnomes varicose veins - it is time to get out those drops.
: : 3. Be sure that you have an adequate reason for wailing. Reaching the top of Table Rock is acceptable - realising that you still have to get down is NOT.
: : 4. A few discreet tears combined with a gentle pat with a tissue when you are saying farewell to your G2K friends is correct - bursting into tears whilst saying goodbye to a CRP groundsman is NOT. We have all seen the indignity of overblown histrionics - one only has to remember the Miss Marcia fainting couch debacle at one of her recent ladies afternoon tea events.
: : 5. You should be sure that your tearful parting is genuine and proportional. A solitary tear running down the face can be highly effective. Wrapping your legs round a persons feet whilst hanging onto his breech clout wailing "take me with you, take me with you" just looks ridiculous.
: : 6. A little lip quivering can be effective but the full chin wobble just makes one look like a gargoyle with St Vitus Dance.
: : 7. Crying on someones shoulder is permitted as long as no residue is left behind.
: : 8. If you are saying goodbye to a large number of people, be sure to finish each sob before moving onto the next person. This method of weeping is known as the 'stop-start tear system' and ensures that each individual feels special. You should keep the number of people in the group to a minimum to prevent 'dry-cry syndrome' (wrenching sobs without any tears) as this has the tendency to make the whole sorry scenario appear somewhat fake.
: : 9. Dispose of used tissues before embarking on a long journey, otherwise hunting for your supplies in your saddle bag can resemble a cushion coming unstuffed.
: : 10. Avoid alcohol at all costs when presented with an emotional situation. A sip of brandy is an acceptable method of calming the nerves.....but going into Bumppo's Tavern and drinking them dry tends to lead to an inappropriate excess of emotion. We all remember what happened when Miss Katie of the Quilte Shoppe had her mint julep spiked by a rather ruthless miss who resented the quality of her fine stitching. I will say no more....
: :
: : So my fellow gentlefolk, I will leave you with those sound words of wisdom which should stand you in good stead at the next friendly gathering. And I believe that you will find my words of far greater comfort than those of our resident physician Doc Mary who, on hearing about the rather excessive tears of a certain young lady, was overheard to say that with her usual demented glee that her newly developed cure-all nettle enema "could hardly have produced a more pitiful reaction".
: : And so I will bid you ta-ta for now with these last words - hug and be hugged but beware the arms of the French Trader in particular, for there is more than one lass who, overwhelmed by his charming demeanour, has lost her jewellery (or worse) at the hands of the unscrupulous rogue.
: : The Huggy Merchant