Posted by Doc M on September 17, 2000 at 14:00:50:
In Reply to: Alright, that's it ... posted by Lainey on September 17, 2000 at 13:38:28:
: : ...the large charitable donation MP makes every year to the
: : Mohicanland Clinic for the Terminally Weird! Otherwise
: : Doc M would have to go from cabin to cabin threatening...
: : I mean ASKING for funds, and the Hurons get SEW tired
: : carrying her about on the litter and whacking the less
: : generous over the heads with their widdle hatchets.
: : My dear Jeri, Doc M is here and ready to administer to
: : all your needs. What can she do for you? And will this
: : be cash or charge?
: : Kissy! Kissy!
: : Doc M
: Trying to cash in on the cash-in coup de'scam we've got going are you, Doc? I'm feeling lethal today so JUUUUST try & piss me off, will you? (For the British & 'Canadian, eh?' speaking transients, that 'piss off' means mad, not drunk) -
: Now, since Doccie has taken it upon her brazen little shoulders to reveal hidden secrets of the Rich & Famously G & T Lainey & itemize in detail their entire sole fave charity (MCTW "We accept HMO's") for all the world to see, I call her bluff. For the first time ever, never before published, the Ten Top Tips for Successful Entree-openers a la MohicanPress!!! Your's for FREE!!!!
: 1. Always squash the little guy (sorry, gnomeman). Even if he's littler than you, kill him. You never know what he might grow into. (A good example; That Hoo-Haa-Woo-Hoo Trading Company that's been offering freebie pin-up calendars you can pin up for free? Ha! The WooHoos THINK they'll be setting up their busyness with no ramifications ... Just as they get going, WE, CAPITALISTS SUPREMO, will offer a New Improved WooHooHooHaa calendar with even BIGGER cartoons & character assinations. That ought to close THEIR calendar year.)
: 2. Mugging. This is a relatively new form of E-Z-Shillings for us. We only recently got into the Mugging busyness. It works like this; You hold out a shiny tin mug & when the hapless innocent unsuspecting sucker reaches for it, you say, "That's gonna cost you." That's when you got 'em on the run. Mugging = $$$$$$ True, it's only coppers in return, but someday, with a little chlorophyll, those babies just might turn green.
: 3. Talk about taxes & yell from the rooftops that you're 'opposed.' Of course you're opposed - haven't met a criminal capitalist shilling sucking piggie yet who favored being taxed - but the foolish masses will THINK you're opposed. That's what you want. You want them to THINK you're opposed to taxes. This'll make you seem saintly ... sort of. So, cuss taxes & charge duty. They'll never know the difference.
: 4. Be up front about matters. Admit you're a capitalist & explain why; elaborate upon the rules of grammar & 'How to write a book report.' Discuss why sentences must begin with a CAPITAL letter & be adamant in your support for the theory. Try to use specialized vocabulary & spiff up your spelling skills. This lends credibility to your CAPITALIST position. Toss in a few favorite anecdotes about subject-verb agreement & they'll be putty in your greedy little hands. Now's the time to SELL them on your ways by using a motto; 'Capitalism is the beginning, it's proper, & it's the law. Period.' Never postscript, it confuses the literary-challenged.
: 5. Offer plump, fat padded mice. It's a low blow but it works. Statistics show 77.81772546% of MohicanLand's population owns cats. Cat owners are known to be eccentric & will often feed 'Precious' little plump mouses as a form of twisted bribery. Trust me, the plump padded mouses - they can't resist them. So pad your mouse & your money purse in one easy move!
: 6. Design alternative, counter-culture day wear. Maybe ... hmmm ... a T-shirt, or something? Appeal to the counter people's trendy vanity. Plaster a nice, green picture of something they've done or some place they've been to. Counter people LOOOOVE to turn up their noses & say, "Once, I was here."
: 7. This one will cost you.
: 8. What does this look like? A charity service?
: 9. Move on, Bucko.
: 10. Flaunt your coup de'scam successes. Hire servants (children can be substituted) & gild your punched tin lantern. After all, why should YOU have to spit on your own shoes?! Go to camp parties & lie like heck about your worldliness. Always outdo your companions. Get the other campers drunk & steal their wampum.
: Do these things & in ten days you'll be on your way to the 757 Capitalist Club.
DAMN YER EYES, and yer little dog, too!! How dare you reveal
the Secrets of the Rich and Famous of Mohicanland!!! I
may just have to ascend from my bejeweled throne and
crack you one with my sceptre!!! Why, as I was just
saying to my laveuse de la derriere today (ha! look it
up!), "I hope that Capitalist Pig Laineykins doesn't
spill the...what is it poor people eat? Those little
round things? Oh, right! BEANS! Spill the beans!"
You'll pay, b---h! Just wait until your butler comes
over to my castle to borrow a cup of truffles! You'll
see! You'll see! *stomp! stomp! stomp!*
Doc M