Posted by Diana S. on September 18, 2000 at 08:39:08:
In Reply to: Re: Alright, that's it ... Capitalist Pig's Unsecret Spelling Mistakes posted by Elaine on September 17, 2000 at 15:44:03:
: : : : : ...the large charitable donation MP makes every year to the
: : : : : Mohicanland Clinic for the Terminally Weird! Otherwise
: : : : : Doc M would have to go from cabin to cabin threatening...
: : : : : I mean ASKING for funds, and the Hurons get SEW tired
: : : : : carrying her about on the litter and whacking the less
: : : : : generous over the heads with their widdle hatchets.
: : : : : My dear Jeri, Doc M is here and ready to administer to
: : : : : all your needs. What can she do for you? And will this
: : : : : be cash or charge?
: : : : : Kissy! Kissy!
: : : : : Doc M
: : : : Trying to cash in on the cash-in coup de'scam we've got going are you, Doc? I'm feeling lethal today so JUUUUST try & piss me off, will you? (For the British & 'Canadian, eh?' speaking transients, that 'piss off' means mad, not drunk) -
: : : : Now, since Doccie has taken it upon her brazen little shoulders to reveal hidden secrets of the Rich & Famously G & T Lainey & itemize in detail their entire sole fave charity (MCTW "We accept HMO's") for all the world to see, I call her bluff. For the first time ever, never before published, the Ten Top Tips for Successful Entree-openers a la MohicanPress!!! Your's for FREE!!!!
: : : : 1. Always squash the little guy (sorry, gnomeman). Even if he's littler than you, kill him. You never know what he might grow into. (A good example; That Hoo-Haa-Woo-Hoo Trading Company that's been offering freebie pin-up calendars you can pin up for free? Ha! The WooHoos THINK they'll be setting up their busyness with no ramifications ... Just as they get going, WE, CAPITALISTS SUPREMO, will offer a New Improved WooHooHooHaa calendar with even BIGGER cartoons & character assinations. That ought to close THEIR calendar year.)
: : : : 2. Mugging. This is a relatively new form of E-Z-Shillings for us. We only recently got into the Mugging busyness. It works like this; You hold out a shiny tin mug & when the hapless innocent unsuspecting sucker reaches for it, you say, "That's gonna cost you." That's when you got 'em on the run. Mugging = $$$$$$ True, it's only coppers in return, but someday, with a little chlorophyll, those babies just might turn green.
: : : : 3. Talk about taxes & yell from the rooftops that you're 'opposed.' Of course you're opposed - haven't met a criminal capitalist shilling sucking piggie yet who favored being taxed - but the foolish masses will THINK you're opposed. That's what you want. You want them to THINK you're opposed to taxes. This'll make you seem saintly ... sort of. So, cuss taxes & charge duty. They'll never know the difference.
: : : : 4. Be up front about matters. Admit you're a capitalist & explain why; elaborate upon the rules of grammar & 'How to write a book report.' Discuss why sentences must begin with a CAPITAL letter & be adamant in your support for the theory. Try to use specialized vocabulary & spiff up your spelling skills. This lends credibility to your CAPITALIST position. Toss in a few favorite anecdotes about subject-verb agreement & they'll be putty in your greedy little hands. Now's the time to SELL them on your ways by using a motto; 'Capitalism is the beginning, it's proper, & it's the law. Period.' Never postscript, it confuses the literary-challenged.
: : : : 5. Offer plump, fat padded mice. It's a low blow but it works. Statistics show 77.81772546% of MohicanLand's population owns cats. Cat owners are known to be eccentric & will often feed 'Precious' little plump mouses as a form of twisted bribery. Trust me, the plump padded mouses - they can't resist them. So pad your mouse & your money purse in one easy move!
: : : : 6. Design alternative, counter-culture day wear. Maybe ... hmmm ... a T-shirt, or something? Appeal to the counter people's trendy vanity. Plaster a nice, green picture of something they've done or some place they've been to. Counter people LOOOOVE to turn up their noses & say, "Once, I was here."
: : : : 7. This one will cost you.
: : : : 8. What does this look like? A charity service?
: : : : 9. Move on, Bucko.
: : : : 10. Flaunt your coup de'scam successes. Hire servants (children can be substituted) & gild your punched tin lantern. After all, why should YOU have to spit on your own shoes?! Go to camp parties & lie like heck about your worldliness. Always outdo your companions. Get the other campers drunk & steal their wampum.
: : : : Do these things & in ten days you'll be on your way to the 757 Capitalist Club.
: : :
: : : DAMN YER EYES, and yer little dog, too!! How dare you reveal
: : : the Secrets of the Rich and Famous of Mohicanland!!! I
: : : may just have to ascend from my bejeweled throne and
: : : crack you one with my sceptre!!! Why, as I was just
: : : saying to my laveuse de la derriere today (ha! look it
: : : up!), "I hope that Capitalist Pig Laineykins doesn't
: : : spill the...what is it poor people eat? Those little
: : : round things? Oh, right! BEANS! Spill the beans!"
: : : You'll pay, b---h! Just wait until your butler comes
: : : over to my castle to borrow a cup of truffles! You'll
: : : see! You'll see! *stomp! stomp! stomp!*
: : : Doc M
: : Dear TGAT,
: : I hope you did not refer to MY spelling mistakes and wrong-capitalizations, etc?
: : Lesson: never try to make a serious point when you are upset, and nervous and jumpy due to Hurricane, to boot....
: : Red-faced V.
: Dear Vita Scribe,
: :) A lesson learned is a dinner burned ... Nope, all references to spelling spills were generic & for advertisement purposes solely. No resales or bootlegging or black market permitted.
: And, Doc M,
: YOUR laveuse de la derriere (ha! look it up!) caused the poor people food to spill in the first place. So, you gonna truffle my butler, b---h? Yeeeeeeeeeees, this I would pay for.
: Always a pleasure discussing Adam Smith's inner secrets with ya!
Just to add a couple of points. Believe me, I would NEVER attempt to spar with you two...um...ladies?! But if I might interject a comment to your top ten tip list, on #10 you neglected to add how confusing, although succesful, your point about "Get the other campers drunk & steal their wampum," can be. My dear friend Cecelia revealed her secret to wampum acquiring, which appears to be a variation on your concept..."Get drunker than the other campers and WIN their wampum". You see a twist on the concept, but it worked! Now I'll just employ this tip myself and get her drunk and steal her wampum!
Secondly, we MohicanLanders who succumb to said Capitalism, are well aware of the wonderful free gift we receive with OR without purchases and that is the "difficult to attain at our age, Dendrite growth factor", received with every visit to this capitalistic community. You DID realize we ALL were getting those didn't you? I for one also enjoy your mugging, and mouse padding, and once I was there attire, because I agree with the tenets conveyed by your Adam Smith in that people are motivated by self interest. I saw your supply and I demanded.
THRILLED with Cafepress purchases and just had to say so!!!!!
Post a Followup