Re: Chat Over the Back Fence with Miss Marcia

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Posted by Miss Marcia on February 22, 1999 at 13:00:46:

In Reply to: Chat Over the Back Fence with Miss Marcia posted by She Who Tracks La Longue Carabine on February 22, 1999 at 11:20:59:

She wrote:
: Well, Miss Marcia, that was a fine welcome-home dinner ye give fer me this weekend. Dishin' out soup to nuts is one o' yer gifts, sartain!

My Dear Miss She:

Why thank y'all SEW much for those kind words. I DO make a mean pot of Terrapin & Turnip Soup, if I say so myownself; howsever, the NUTS are strictly compliments of Mohicanland...they abound here in great numbers, if you get my drift.

: I do want to apologize fer fallin' on yer prize geranium when I first come in. Them French high-heeled shoes is some trick to git balanced on. If Sheriff Twigg hadn't hauled me outten that big flower pot an' held onta me til I got my ankles unbent and both feet goin' in the same DI-rection agin', I'd never a made it past the front porch all night.

Think nothing of it...that ol' geranium needed to be cut back anyhoo, and now I'll just take all those little smashed bits & pieces & use them for flavorin' in my Sartainly Lucious Uplifting Ginseng/Geranium Energy Mixture, or SLUGGEM. A cup of this tea will give a body the strength to do what's got to be done!

As for Benton getting you on your feet again, well that's what a gentleman's gifts lead him to do, after all, and Bent Twigg is nothing if not a gentleman, through and through.

: Howsever, it was interestin' tryin' out my new look and figgerin' out how all them Femin-nine Gifts works. Guess I still got some practizin' to do, but I'll git the hang of it, yes I will.

A word or two of advice in the area of Feminine Gifts, dearie... #1, chartreuse is not your color. Try a nice, soft blue, perhaps. Or black. One can never go wrong with the basic "little black dress," doncha know. #2, the pink stuff in the tiny pot is LIP rouge, therefore it would be more in keeping with its purpose to apply it to one's LIPS, rather than dotting it randomly around one's face. That wasn't what was meant by using it to "add a touch of color." (Of course, being a well-bred Southern lady, I generally eschew cosmetics, choosing instead to leave them for folks with different moral gifts altogether!) #3, arm wrestling at the dinner table is a social no-no, and lastly, #4, toilet water is not to be confused with water that comes DI-rectly from the toilet! If you will remember these little hints, I am sure your quest for Feminine Gifts will be much easier.

: Can't say I'm real satisfied with them mail-order stick-on genuwine porcupine-quill eyelashes. Seems they're a mite heavy for ordinary wear. I shoulda knowed better than to lean over that steamin' soup tureen when it got passed down the table. I hope Miss Gaylee Cooper didn't hurt her back too bad when her chair fell over backwards. Lord, but that woman has a piercin' shriek!

Yes, this was an unfortunate incident, indeed. I never knew anyone could holler that loud with a porcupine quill stuck sideways in their throat!! I do hope Sassy and Old Crone were able to extract it without leaving any permanent scars.

: As to that little incident of you accidentally standin' with yer foot on the hem of my dress while Mr. Girty and I was headin' out fer a moonlight stroll in the garden, don't give it another thought. I suppose 10 yards or so of ruffle won't make no differnce in the way that dress tacks in a high wind.

Thank you for being so understanding. Perhaps next time, you might want to choose a dress WITHOUT a 15 foot train behind! It does tend to get a mite cumbersome, I'm afraid.

: That sure was impressive the way Mr. Girty whipped out his skinnin' knife an' lopped off that ruffle when I come to the end of my tether, so to speak. Howsever, I don't see where he needed to chop the whole rest of the skirt off, too. Once that man gets acuttin', he's hard to stop.

Well, Mr. Girty needed to extricate you without stepping out of the shadows and exposing himself. After all, he IS a thieving, murdering renegade, wanted by the law, an' all. And Sheriff Twigg, who is bounden to bring him to justice should he spot him, was standing not 10 feet away, though he was far more interested in the punch bowl than in arresting evildoers.

:But I guess I can fergive 'im. He did say he fancies my new hairdo. Says the scalpin' tuft is a nice touch, and he's gonna git me a real eagle feather to dress it up some.

Beware of Sweet Talkers bearing gifts, Miss She. On this issue, I can say no more.

: I'll stop by to chat agin later. Right now I'm off to take some chicken soup to Miss Gaylee, since I heerd she's bed-rid fer the time bein'. I figger cheerin' the sick is one o' them Femin-nine Gifts I need to cultivate.

Yes, indeed. I do hope Miss Gaylee can swallow that soup, without it leaking out any porcupine holes in her neck! (As another little tip from one who knows about Feminine Gifts, next time you wish to enhance the thickness of your eyelashes, try a couple of those sweet little fuzzy bear caterpillars. A dab of nectar on the eyelids will keep them clinging there for days and days. And should one of them fall off into the soup, why it's just a bit o' added protein, so to speak, and in no way a pointy, piercing implement of torture!)

SEW glad you are back in Mohicanland, Miss She, and I hope to see more of you at some of my genteel afternoon teas, now that you are cultivatin' your Feminine Gifts!

Yours Most Graciously,
Miss Marcia

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