Re: To the Courier Editors and a peace offer?

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Posted by Dutch Trader on January 07, 1999 at 15:51:57:

In Reply to: Re: Open letter to the Courier re: Snow White in the Black Forest posted by Courier Editors on January 06, 1999 at 19:12:43:

My beloved Courier Editors,

You said:
"Very good of you to drop in and offer your opinions. Before we move forward to attack, I mean, examine your latest allegations, let us say this. I remember with fondness the old days when you were but a young upstart in this trading business. The days when we were friendly and you were honest. Do you recall those times, Dutch Trader? Do you remember the many FAVORS we did you? The promotions ... free PR ... the image make-over ... the polishing of your rough ways? Can you remember those great times, Dutchie trader? Sigh ... the good old days. We regret your treachery and look upon your illicit ways with great sadness. At any rate ..."

Oh SOBSOBSOB! What can I say? I am deeply moved. I say that friendly and honestly... You must understand that the harsh realities of trading in the New World can scar the soul somewhat. But frankly, my dears, I don't think that my little antics are more than practical jokes, so why have YOU so turned against ME? Can you not see that girls just want to have fun? Mayhep, we can still find some common ground? Remember, I did sink the Mohicanland Morning Star at YOUR request?
Saying that, I would still like to address some issues at hand...

"Ah, Dutchie! You've erred! We can PROVE everything we print, unless we rely upon "other" sources. Sometimes we must simply report what we've heard, even if it is not yet stipulated to by the parties involved. That's what we call "news", Dutchie."

Ahem, it might also be called "hearsay", your honor.

"From what we've heard fly out of your mouth, there's many things you say in the Low Lands, not all printable. And why do they call it the "low lands" anyway? Is this a cultural or geographical reference?"

Oh well, that is a low remark if I ever heard one! I'll probably sink to your low level in responding to this, but so be it. It is called the Low Lands because it is below sea level. This means that we are walking around in mud as it is anyway, and we don't need you throwing more in our direction. The term "lowlife", consequently, has nothing to do with degeneration. It simply means hacking you way out of the swamp and carrying your children above the waves.

"As for She & her disappearance ... we are committed to the truth, Dutchie. Please don't ask us to participate in your shameless cover-up. When we heard of a crumby trail, we immediately thought of you!"

I fail to see the logic in this reasoning.

" Ah! Something is confirmed here? Yes, Bent Twigg's disappearance ... the Turkish Trader's disappearance ... She's disappearance ... it does sound like a conspiracy. How much did you pay the bent twigg & Mr. Otto Mani? Was it in Dutch Guilders at least? Or was it cheap brandy? (We've heard rumors of Mr. Twigg's penchant for fermented drink.)"

Ah! All trails lead to the Dutchie, then? Might I point your attention to another possibility? Are not the infamous Three Piggies boasting of their success in acquiring captives lately? Maybe they are not content with what they have caught so far? Think about it, dear editors, think about it.... Take a risk and send your big bad wolf to do some huffing and puffing around their residence...

" Enjoying your little game, are you? Well, there's more than one way to skin a cat (as they say in the low lands). We've runners running the Black Forest trails even as we speak. We will find her ... no matter how long, no matter how far ... we will find her!"

Of course you will! No doubt in my mind. And then my name will be cleared.

" Do you still have a partner? You know, that thieving E. Lane? Or do you go it alone these days?"

You need not worry about my social life, but thank you for your concern. I can assure you that the trader's partnership is as tight as ever. In fact the honorable E. Lane will come over to mi casa later this evening for a couple of drinks...

" PS Who is this Snow White dame? "

Just playing with words, dear editors. However, I have got it on good authority that the real Snow White dame is a fusty lady with an allergy to apples. But that is hearsay, too, of course.

Respectfully yours,

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