Re: To the Courier Editors and a peace offer?

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Posted by Courier Editors on January 07, 1999 at 19:55:21:

In Reply to: Re: To the Courier Editors and a peace offer? posted by Dutch Trader on January 07, 1999 at 15:51:57:

Dearest Dutch Dealer,

Thank you for your expedient emotional reply. We apologize for any offense or discomfort we may have caused you. Though we know you to be a gallavanting antagonist, you will always remain a close friend. These conflicts between us will pass ... we're sure of it.

" Oh SOBSOBSOB! What can I say? I am deeply moved. I say that friendly and honestly..."

Thank you, dear DT. Do you need a tissue?

"You must understand that the harsh realities of trading in the New World can scar the soul somewhat."

'Tis true. We appreciate that you have experienced untold hardships and monetary losses whilst attempting to trade fairly in these troubled colonies. What was a trader to do, right? Take the shillings and run ... it does make sense.

"But frankly, my dears, I don't think that my little antics are more than practical jokes, so why have YOU so turned against ME?"

Nous, traitre? Jamais, mon ami!!!

"Can you not see that girls just want to have fun? Mayhep, we can still find some common ground? Remember, I did sink the Mohicanland Morning Star at YOUR request?"

Yes, we see your point. Femme fatale finds freedom & fun whilst frolicking in frontier fields! (Makes for a great headline ...)
Thank you for sinking that Morning Star publication. We had forgotten that.

"Saying that, I would still like to address some issues at hand..."

It's a free colony; shoot!

{ "Ah, Dutchie! You've erred! We can PROVE everything we print, unless we rely upon "other" sources. Sometimes we must simply report what we've heard, even if it is not yet stipulated to by the parties involved. That's what we call "news", Dutchie."}

"Ahem, it might also be called "hearsay", your honor."

This is true. We will stipulate to that. Hearsay? News? Gossip? Who can tell the difference?

{"From what we've heard fly out of your mouth, there's many things you say in the Low Lands, not all printable. And why do they call it the "low lands" anyway? Is this a cultural or geographical reference?"}

" Oh well, that is a low remark if I ever heard one! I'll probably sink to your low level in responding to this, but so be it. It is called the Low Lands because it is below sea level. This means that we are walking around in mud as it is anyway, and we don't need you throwing more in our direction."

Ooops! Have we struck a nerve? Our sincere apologies. We asked the question in good faith, as we did not wish to presume to know the answer. Thank you for the clarity. Far be it for us to question your roots! You can rest assured that we'll not throw any more mud your way.

"The term "lowlife", consequently, has nothing to do with degeneration. It simply means hacking you way out of the swamp and carrying your children above the waves."

Ah! We've often wondered about this non-degenerative term. Your explanation makes sense! Swamps ... lily pad rafts ... And where do you buy your leaves?

{ "As for She & her disappearance ... we are committed to the truth, Dutchie. Please don't ask us to participate in your shameless cover-up. When we heard of a crumby trail, we immediately thought of you!"}

" I fail to see the logic in this reasoning."

If there is "reasoning", then it is reasonable, due to our use of reason ... hence, there is logic! Now do you see?

{ " Ah! Something is confirmed here? Yes, Bent Twigg's disappearance ... the Turkish Trader's disappearance ... She's disappearance ... it does sound like a conspiracy. How much did you pay the bent twigg & Mr. Otto Mani? Was it in Dutch Guilders at least? Or was it cheap brandy? (We've heard rumors of Mr. Twigg's penchant for fermented drink.)"}

" Ah! All trails lead to the Dutchie, then? Might I point your attention to another possibility? Are not the infamous Three Piggies boasting of their success in acquiring captives lately? Maybe they are not content with what they have caught so far? Think about it, dear editors, think about it.... Take a risk and send your big bad wolf to do some huffing and puffing around their residence..."

You are right! The Three Little Piggies have been VERY bad and have indeed acquired captives. Perhaps they grew bored with their boy toy Hawkeye and his daddy Ching? A new game ... a new hunt? You may be on the right trail here, Dutch Trader! We will send our back up scout, Le Renard Subtil, also known as 'Magua', to track the swine.

{ " Enjoying your little game, are you? Well, there's more than one way to skin a cat (as they say in the low lands). We've runners running the Black Forest trails even as we speak. We will find her ... no matter how long, no matter how far ... we will find her!"}

" Of course you will! No doubt in my mind. And then my name will be cleared."

Perhaps your name will be cleared ... in this matter, anyway.

{ " Do you still have a partner? You know, that thieving E. Lane? Or do you go it alone these days?"}

"You need not worry about my social life, but thank you for your concern. I can assure you that the trader's partnership is as tight as ever. In fact the honorable E. Lane will come over to mi casa later this evening for a couple of drinks..."

So glad to hear it. Tu casa es mi casa ... how quaint.

{ " PS Who is this Snow White dame? "}

" Just playing with words, dear editors. However, I have got it on good authority that the real Snow White dame is a fusty lady with an allergy to apples. But that is hearsay, too, of course."

That is news, of course. And just how do YOU know of her apple allergy?

Thank you for your cooperation and understanding, Dutch Trader. If we have accused you falsely, well ... that's life. There's always tomorrow to get more mud, er, facts. We'll keep you informed about the Three Little Piggies!


The Courier Editors

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