A Chuckle For The Day ... And, New Search Feature

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Posted by Rich on July 09, 1999 at 06:50:57:

Mornin' -

We've added a Search Engine to the Mohican Board. Only problem is, for some reason, it is only indexing the Messages3 directory ('98 - part 3). We'll fix that soon ... The link to the search engine can be found near the top of the Board, next to the FAQ button.

Received this via e-mail. It was written in 1978, apparently. Author is unknown:

The Bureau of Caucasian Affairs
United Native Americans are proud to announce that it has bought
the state of California from the whites and is throwing it open
to Indian settlement.

UNA bought California from three winos found wandering in San
Francisco. UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen for the
white people of California. These winos promptly signed the treaty,
which was written in Sioux, and sold California for three
bottles of wine, one bottle of gin, and four cases of beer.

Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasion Affairs, has
announced the following new policies: The Indians hereby give
the whites four large reservations of ten acres each at the
following locations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The
Badlands of South Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska.
These reservations shall belong to the whites "for as long as
the sun shines or the grass grows" (or until the Indians want
it back.)

All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in trust
for the whites by the Bureau of Caucasion Affairs, and any white
who wants to use his land in any way must secure permission from
Commissioner Brightman.

Of course, whites will be allowed to sell trades and handicrafts
at stands by the highway. Each white will be provided annually
with one blanket, one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam,
and a copy of The Life of Crazy Horse.

If your are competent enough, you will be able to be a BCA
reservation superintendent. Applicants must have less than
one year of education, must not speak English, must have an
authoritarian personality, proof of dishonesty, and a
certificate of incompetence. No Whites need apply.
Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of four
boarding schools, to which white youngsters will be sent at
the age of six (6). "We want to take those kids far away from
the backward culture of their parents," he said. The schools
will be located on Alcatraz Island; the Florida Everglades;
Point Barrow, Alaska; and Hong Kong.

All courses will be taught in Indian languages,and there will
be demerits for anyone caught speaking English. All students
arriving at the school will immediately be given IQ tests to
determine their understanding of Indian Language and hunting

Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows:
Whites at Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital;
those at the Utah Salt Flats may go to Juneau, Alaska Hospital;
those at the Yukon may go to the Miami Beach Hospital;
and those at the Badlands may go to the Hospital in Honolulu,
Hawaii. Each hospital will have a staff of two part-time
doctors and a part-time chiropractor who have all passed first
aid tests. And each hospital will be equipped with a scalpel,
a jack knife, a saw, a modern tourniquet, and a large bottle
of aspirin.

In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, and products
will be given traditional white names.

One famous Indian movie director has even announced that in his
upcoming film, Custer's Last Stand, he will use many actual
whites to play the parts of soldiers, speaking real English,
of course, the part of Custer will be played by noted Indian
actor Jay Silverheels.

Certain barbaric white customs will, of course, not be allowed.
Whites will not be allowed to practice their heathen religions,
and will be required to attend Indian ceremonies. Missionaries
will be sent from each tribe to convert the whites on the
reservations. White churches will either be made into amusement
parks or museums or will be torn down and the bricks and
ornaments sold as souvenirs and curiosities. --

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