Posted by She Who Tracks La Longue Carabine on July 27, 1999 at 19:21:07:
Dear Courier Editors,
It has been some time since we have had a really stirring social event in town to report on, but I am pleased to announce that, last evening, Miss Marcia treated the local ladies to one of her wingdings, and a smashing good time was had by nearly all. It has not yet been determined which ones.
This grand event began innocently enough with an invite from Miss Marcia to some of the town ladies for a genial get-together with refreshments and conversation. Your reporter was one of the first on the scene, arriving with her faithful hunting hound Hector about the same time as Miss Gaylee Cooper appeared carrying woven basket containing the gift of a stray kitten for Miss Marcia. Shortly thereafter, Mohicanland's preemeninent artist Miss Adrienne arrived, along with Sassy the Soothsayer, Miss Kate of Katie's Quilts fame, and the special guest of honour, Miss Alice Munro.
Miss Marcia had proven the quality of the libations during the afternoon, and the party was already in full swing well before the guests arrived, promising a full and exciting time for all as the evening progressed. Unfortunately, Miss Munro became lost immediately upon entering the house and wandered into the kitchen where she was taken faint when she observed Miss Marcia merrily slicing salad tomatoes with a tomahawk. Miss Munro was thereupon removed to the darkened back parlor where she reclined delicately on a chaise lounge, while Miss Adrienne laved her forehead with a lavender scented cloth and attempted to soothe her nerves. Miss Munro sweetly requested some weak tea and a warm puppy to keep her company. For lack of a better solution, Hector the Hound was offered as a companion,and he promptly draped himself over her legs and went back to sleep. All seemed to be peaceful on that front, so the guests returned to the veranda.
At that point Miss Gaylee Cooper was seen stampeding through the back garden from the springhouse, swinging a bottle at her escaped kitten, which was raising a most unholy squall as it headed up the garden path, between the rose bushes and up the veranda steps, with Miss Gaylee in hot pursuit and spewing some most unladylike epithets in all directions. The kitten skidded to a halt in front of Miss Adrienne, upsetting a tray of goose pate hors d'oeuvres and a pitcher of Margie Ritas into Miss Marcia's prize geranium. Miss Adrienne, immediately scooped the distraught kitten into her lap, and scrutinizied her critically with her unerring artist's eye. "Why I declare!" she declared. "A painter!" Everyone applauded happily and agreed it was a perfect name. Miss Gaylee retrieved Painter from Miss Adrienne's lap and carried her into the house, where unbeknownst to Miss Marcia, she shut the kitten up in the back parlor for safekeeping.
Shortly after this episode, Miss Marcia served a light repast designed to take the edge off the Margie Ritas which were going down so smoothly, and conversation was just turning to the ever-absorbing subject of Hawkeye and Cora (did they or didn't they?), when a loud crash and a feeble shriek issued from the back parlor. The parlor door burst open, and Hector emerged at an unprecedented speed with Painter firmly attached to the scruff of his neck, and the welded duo exploded into the hall heading for the front door. Miss Alice was found under the upturned chaise, surrounded by fragments of what must have been a lovely set of Dresden china, weeping and moaning that her stay in Mohicanland was already a lousy adventcha, and she hadn't even seen the Red Man yet!
Simon Girty was seen sprinting into the woods after the hound and its hissing and spitting passenger. It was tactlessly mentionned by Sassy that the colony is offering generous bounties for painter pelts, and Miss Gaylee Cooper was immediately reduced to tears. Miss Marcia decided at this point that Margie Ritas were insufficient to the occasion and broke out the rum.
After this, the party seemed to settle into a jollier mood, and the eating, drinking and socializing progressed raucously until close to midnight, when an Indian guide showed up to escort Miss Alice home. The letter of permission he presented seemed to be in order, although since it was written in French, and the specific directions were not clear. However, as Colonel Munro's name , Fort William Henry and General Webb were easily identifiable in the text, Miss Alice was bundled up and sent off with many messages of love and respect for her family from the party guests. We congratulate Miss Marcia on another socially edifying and highly successful get-together.
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