Posted by Gnome Carabine on October 21, 1999 at 11:14:31:
In Reply to: Re: Good Morning! posted by Doc M on October 21, 1999 at 08:30:15:
: : : : There! That's much better than "No Messages Posted". The only thing that would make this morning any better is a Mohicanland coffee mug and a visit from the Puuuuummmmpkiiiiiin Fairy! I need a pumpkin...have a request for a "Carved Gnome".
: : : : Dana
: : : First you need to roast him at 325 degrees -- l/2 hour
: : : per pound of gnome. If he's dried, you'll have to soak
: : : him in water overnight before roasting. If he's fresh,
: : : just put a little crabapple in his mouth and pop him
: : : in the oven! (Don't forget the apple, unless you want
: : : to hear a lot of annoying screeching!) When you can
: : : stick a fork in him easily, remove from oven, let sit
: : : for 15 minutes, then carve. I know Lainey prefers cajun-
: : : style Blackened Gnome, but I prefer them plain. Call me
: : : old-fashioned. Hope this helps!
: : : Doc M
: : Doctor Mary,
: : Actually, I prefer to carve up these gnomes a bit, stuff a fat beeswax candle in its mouth & let it sit on some Dutch stoop throughout the chilly Harvest Moon nights. Then, once All Hallow's Eve has passed, I like to burn them to dust. Wood Gnome ash ...
: : Ashes to ashes, dust to dust ... it's a handy base for some damn good soap.
: : That's my personal favorite heirloom receipt anyway.
: : Lainey
: : PS Doctor M, of course your Charlatan Cabin will be logistically situated in very close proximity to the Trading Post! You'll be needed for an occasional shake down.
: Hmmm -- The Gnome Carabine must be in a stupor this morning.
: He usually senses something afoot when he's being toasted,
: roasted, stuffed or carved.
: PPS: It's that "Charlatan" part, while euphonious, that might
: be off-putting to potential clientele. "Cabin of The
: Beneficent and Healing White Light" is so much more
: accurate, don't you think?
: Doc M
Fine thing. The Gnome Carabine is up late working on les longue
carabine (note: replica patent pending, not responsible for misuse, no warranties expressed or implied, no endorsement by Daniel Day Lewis, Michael Mann or Wayne Watson authenticating said replica as true to original has been claimed, ingredients
wholly organic with the exception of #4 yellow coloring additive,
not for children under the age of 14 without parental supervision, recommended dosage one .50 ball per 100 grains of black fairy dust, uses: to reduce or eliminate annoyance brought on by obnoxious crazy doctors, rabbit fever pink suited or otherwise, Lainey-itis, rampant DT's (Dana Tormentis), heat and rash brought on by various causes to include, but not limited to: roastings, toastings, or other too close exposure to heat sources.)
And what do I find? A looney tunes "Doc" Mary in collusion with the notorious firebug Lainey corrupting what used to be a normal, sensible Dana S. And to what purpose? The abuse of one of God's greatest creations - ta da - the Gnome. The Gnome Carabine is burning the midnight oil to accomplish his task for Mohicanland ( ah hem, cough, well, that and reading and watching movies) and
these three gnome sociopaths are plotting ways to use gnomes as if they were pumpkins.
NOTE TO ALL: Gnomes are not lawn ornaments, festive tree decorations, roast for the pot, squashes to be hollowed out and carved for holiday amusement, cute little puppets on a stick,
or any other demented purpose a certain crazy woman can think of.
Gnomes are an endangered species (largely due to said crazy woman) and take rather badly attempts to use them for such illegal and insensitive purposes. If this persists, you shall have to talk to my Gnome attorney - the same attorney who wrote the exclusions and limitations clause regarding les longue carabine above. Please meet the distinguished legal beagle, that well known and respected barrister - Oliver Wendell Gnomes. Beware. He is more than willing to file restraining orders (no not the kind of restraints you enjoy during your "therapy" D.M.) and civil suits (that's a legal term Doc Mary so don't go running to don those pink PJ's).
So take that. *kicking dirt and dust at all of them and throwing them all a Gnome moon.*
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