Re: Dear Doctor Mary ...

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Posted by Doctor Mary on November 02, 1999 at 11:19:46:

In Reply to: Dear Doctor Mary ... posted by Cousin Eugenie on October 29, 1999 at 19:29:20:

: Dear Doctor Mary,

: I discovered a photo of you accompanied by your personal ad in the latest issue of "Frontier S & M" where I read you were street walking right here in Mohicanland & were seeking a business manager. "Wanted: One Scarlet PIMPernickel Muffin to oversee financial matters of sucessful businesswoman." (I didn't actually READ S & M. I scanned it while waiting my turn at the New Northern Trading Post.)

: I'd like your professional advice on a delicate matter. A friend of mine, Mr. Hawkeye Poe, has recently discovered there are unauthorized images of him being posted on doors of Taverns & Bawdy Houses all over the colony. The image is of him having a "misstep" while visiting the nearby Hurons for a barbecue. Without going into embarrassing details, let me just say the image is a bit ... revealing. He's a tad disarrayed in the loincloth attire. Get it?

: Mr. Poe is a modest man. The thought of his compromising "situation" being publicized has so disturbed him he is considering joining the Wah-Tah-Wah Warrioresses disguised as a woman. I worry about him, Doctor Mary. What should I do to prevent this shocking exposure from spreading up & down the frontier? (I haven't even told him there are bootleg copies of this image showing up on Pin-Up Parchments ... creatively touched up by some amateur artist named Mary Long Carabine.)

: Sincerely,

: Cousin Eugenie

: PS Please return my whip, wench.

Dearest Cousin Eugenie,

Doctor Mary is SHOCKED! SHOCKED! that such unspeakable filth
is being disseminated throughout the colony! She has
personally visited each and every Tavern and Bawdy House
from Ft. Edward to William Henry and examined all
pertinent, putrescent postings and heinous handbills.
PS Will someone please explain to me what an "Elfin Orgy"
is? And why should I bring my own toadstool??? I did
find the offensive image in question, and brought it
back to the Clinic to examine it more closely. Doctor
Mary does all her best examining while lying prone on
her pile of luxurious beaver pelts with the special
"Magic Fingers" attachment. NOTE: Will someone out
there PLEASE get off the stick and invent batteries

I'm sorry to disappoint you, CE, but while Mr. Poe's
posture might be less than graceful, Doctor Mary finds
nothing inherently offensive displayed...though she
recommends a bikini wax. In fact, if Doctor Mary
might be so bold, she thinks the shy but studly Mr. Poe
is, to coin a phrase, "sitting on a gold mine." In
her eternal quest to spread good health and fitness
throughout Mohicanland, Doctor M would like to propose
a starring role in a series of exercise videos called
"Feeling Poe-ly...Sweatin' With The Hawk!" Do you think
he would object to wearing a nice mesh sportscloth?
Doctor M would sew hate to see him break out in a
nasty rash!

Please contact Mr. Poe ASAP and we'll run it up the
old flagpole and see who salutes! You will of course,
Cousin Eugenie, receive a goodly finder's fee. Tell
Mr. Poe not to be a-feared...Doctor M is tough but
oh-so-gentle. You can reach me anytime via my mobile-

Kissy! Kissy!

Doctor M

PS Whip? What whip???

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