Posted by GnomeDome on November 02, 1999 at 14:05:48:
In Reply to: Re: Dear Doctor Mary ... posted by Doc M on November 02, 1999 at 13:41:02:
: : : : Dear Doctor Mary,
: : : :
: : : : I discovered a photo of you accompanied by your personal ad in the latest issue of "Frontier S & M" where I read you were street walking right here in Mohicanland & were seeking a business manager. "Wanted: One Scarlet PIMPernickel Muffin to oversee financial matters of sucessful businesswoman." (I didn't actually READ S & M. I scanned it while waiting my turn at the New Northern Trading Post.)
: : : :
: : : : I'd like your professional advice on a delicate matter. A friend of mine, Mr. Hawkeye Poe, has recently discovered there are unauthorized images of him being posted on doors of Taverns & Bawdy Houses all over the colony. The image is of him having a "misstep" while visiting the nearby Hurons for a barbecue. Without going into embarrassing details, let me just say the image is a bit ... revealing. He's a tad disarrayed in the loincloth attire. Get it?
: : : : Mr. Poe is a modest man. The thought of his compromising "situation" being publicized has so disturbed him he is considering joining the Wah-Tah-Wah Warrioresses disguised as a woman. I worry about him, Doctor Mary. What should I do to prevent this shocking exposure from spreading up & down the frontier? (I haven't even told him there are bootleg copies of this image showing up on Pin-Up Parchments ... creatively touched up by some amateur artist named Mary Long Carabine.)
: : : : Sincerely,
: : : : Cousin Eugenie
: : : : PS Please return my whip, wench.
: : : Dearest Cousin Eugenie,
: : : Doctor Mary is SHOCKED! SHOCKED! that such unspeakable filth
: : : is being disseminated throughout the colony! She has
: : : personally visited each and every Tavern and Bawdy House
: : : from Ft. Edward to William Henry and examined all
: : : pertinent, putrescent postings and heinous handbills.
: : : PS Will someone please explain to me what an "Elfin Orgy"
: : : is? And why should I bring my own toadstool??? I did
: : : find the offensive image in question, and brought it
: : : back to the Clinic to examine it more closely. Doctor
: : : Mary does all her best examining while lying prone on
: : : her pile of luxurious beaver pelts with the special
: : : "Magic Fingers" attachment. NOTE: Will someone out
: : : there PLEASE get off the stick and invent batteries
: : : already???
: : : I'm sorry to disappoint you, CE, but while Mr. Poe's
: : : posture might be less than graceful, Doctor Mary finds
: : : nothing inherently offensive displayed...though she
: : : recommends a bikini wax. In fact, if Doctor Mary
: : : might be so bold, she thinks the shy but studly Mr. Poe
: : : is, to coin a phrase, "sitting on a gold mine." In
: : : her eternal quest to spread good health and fitness
: : : throughout Mohicanland, Doctor M would like to propose
: : : a starring role in a series of exercise videos called
: : : "Feeling Poe-ly...Sweatin' With The Hawk!" Do you think
: : : he would object to wearing a nice mesh sportscloth?
: : : Doctor M would sew hate to see him break out in a
: : : nasty rash!
: : : Please contact Mr. Poe ASAP and we'll run it up the
: : : old flagpole and see who salutes! You will of course,
: : : Cousin Eugenie, receive a goodly finder's fee. Tell
: : : Mr. Poe not to be a-feared...Doctor M is tough but
: : : oh-so-gentle. You can reach me anytime via my mobile-
: : : Gnome.
: : : Kissy! Kissy!
: : : Doctor M
: : : PS Whip? What whip???
: : It is a SAD state of affairs when a gnome has fallen SO low as to be beggared enough to have to subsist being a messenger for the likes of Doc Mary. Which of my cousins has become so destitute that he has to embarrass himself with such a job? Were one of gnomedom actually WILLING to work in such a job for such a wench, he would have to be defrocked and his red cap forever taken away.
: : GnomeDome
: Hey, I won him fair and square from Web in a strip poker
: game! And the little fellow was MORE than willing, I must
: say...Webbie was making him polish his shoe buckles and
: cut his toenails! He can't wear his pointy red hat in
: the house anyway -- it interferes when I want to rest my
: beer cans on the top of his widdle head while I'm working.
: Doc M
Well! I guess that explains why Webb had no time to send reinforcements to the good Scottish Colonel, and the subsequent demise of Ft William Henry. Webb was too busy carrying on shamelessly with the the Disreputable Doc. It's HER fault!
All her fault! *pointing stubby gnome finger at her*
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