Posted by GnomeDome on November 02, 1999 at 15:32:37:
In Reply to: Re: Hear yee! Hear yee! Webb falls from Grace. Ft William Henry Destroyed posted by Doc M on November 02, 1999 at 14:51:04:
: : This investigative report for the Gnome Tomes has discovered some seedy facts about the recent destruction of Fort William Henry.
: : Where it had been assumed General Webb's reluctance to send reinforcements to aid the beleagured fort was due to cowardice, it has not become clear that this unfortunate event has happened for a much more seedy reason.
: : It has been reported that General Webb had been frolicking and cavorting with a particularly seedy and shameless wench who calls herself Doctor Mary. One wonders of what exactly she is a doctor. On researching this story, I wandered past this disreputable docs office and saw her sign. Her sign states she is Dr. Mary, D.M.S&D. I don't think that has anything to do with dentistry.
: : It has been discovered that during the seige of Ft William Henry a game of whist was being played in his quarters with some very strange rules. The result was that both the General and the "Doctor" were in various states of undress when the courier arrived saying help was needed. General Webb told the courier to "begone! I am busy! Can't you see I am being treated?" and the courier fled with the sound of a whip cracking at his heels. Therefore no reinforcements arrived to save the gallant men defending Fort William Henry.
: : It is even rumored that this Disreputable Doc, being a master at this S&D (whatever that is) has taught the Huron all they know about torture and wringing a man dry of all he knows, then flinging him aside in a helpless pile to be toyed with further in a most painful way.
: : More than that.....I shudder to report it....it has been said that she has enslaved one or more gnomes to her bidding. This vampirous woman must be stopped less she infect the entire community. Who would believe anyone could be so cruel as to torment or enslave a gentle, kindly, inoffensive gnome? Apparently she has done so.
: : Gnoming Reporter
: And another thing! It was thanks to Doctor Mary, who
: singlehandedly and selflessly sapped the strength of
: the entire British army, who was responsible for the
: ultimate victory of the American Colonists! And who
: do you think was in the boat on Christmas Day in '76,
: flogging her little heart out to encourage our boys
: to cross the Delaware and overcome the Hessians???
: Doctor Mary, that's who!! Oh, the stories I could
: tell, if my natural modesty and retiring nature didn't
: hinder me!
: Doc M
Yes, and you probably had 12 poor widdle gnomes chained to the oars 6 on a side while you whipped them to their task. They probably had naught but their red caps to keep them warm as the sweat of their terrible labors froze on their faces.
Who do you think it was chopping down all those trees in Gentleman Jim's way as he attempted to cut the colonies in half from the northern route? We gnomes! Or should I say wee gnomes.
The steadfast, industrious, patriotic woods gnome. That's who.
And who do you think chopped down all those palms from which Fort Moultrie was constructed? Our southern cousins, the plantation gnomes. It was their idea to use the soft palms which absorbed the British cannonballs.
And, let it be known that it was a Rappanhannock gnome who actually chopped down that steenking cherry tree at George's behest. And HE got all the credit. A man who throws money away as THAT one did should never have been entrusted with a farthing.
You should have seen the bags of coins my cousins the water gnomes retrieved! It was rumored there was some disreputable woman on the other bank of the river saying "Thanks George. See you next week same time?" while she tried to find where in heck the coin had landed.
Gnome's fractured history professor
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