Posted by Major Effingham on March 04, 2000 at 21:39:41:
Good evening, Miss Marcia. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Major Effingham of The 60th Regiment of Royal Americans. And these are three of my most able captains. (bows all around - Miss Marcia curtseys gracefully)
I apologize for this unannounced visit, but perhaps when I explain our presence, you will be inclined to overlook this unlooked-for intrusion into your gracious home.
My captains and I have been on the search for one scoundrel and renegade by the name of Simon Girty, and our mission led us here to Mohicanland, where we had hoped, after a long and tiring day's travel, to find a good meal at your town's reknowned JFC Fast Foods. Just as we were sitting down to an unexpectedly lavish and elegant meal, your good Sheriff Twigg, with a rather - ahem! - unusual assortment of comrades, burst in and informed us that the food which had been placed before us was of - ahem! - irregular provisioning.
The mischievous pranks of the Dutch are not unknown to us who spend much of our time near the banks of the Hudson, but we are appalled to realize their version of hospitality has permeated this far into frontier. Naturally, under the circumstances (the least of which being a tribe of painted Delawares glaring through the windows, a swarm of rushin' bees bombarding the tables with Bee Bombs and some crazy lady on a purple carpet swooping back and forth through the dining room and cackling wildly), we felt the better part of valor was to return your dinner with our compliments and a case of the finest French wine to accompany your meal. Thereupon, Sheriff Twigg invited us to return, helping to transport the whole of your fine meal, and to share the pleasure of the group's company for a congenial evening.
We pray your forgiveness for this unfortunate misunderstanding and hope to enjoy a peaceful and friendly stay in your small community whilst we pursue this dastardly Girty.
Your servant, Ma'am.
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