Posted by Lainey on March 22, 2000 at 01:27:06:
Hi - I'm a schizoholic. A moody one at that. I've come from the shadows by order of my Doctor. She (that's a clue for the clueless) suggested several ways to rid myself of this chronic illness she politely refers to as non-sanity. Personally, I think she's crazy; collectively, we still think she's crazy ... but, she's the one with the Bumppo's certificate of questionable medicinals posted on her wall & the notches chipped in her whip. Sooooo ...
Her *assignment* was for me to step up to the plate & knock the sh ... I'm sorry, mixed up the letters ... *hits* outta here. She said, "be as mean & ruthless as possible" & try to "cover all the bases" with as many insults as I could by taking one day's worth of messages, give or take a year, & "jump 'em but good ... pulverize 'em!"
Her alternative recommendation was to simply offer some well intended, sensitively worded advice by issueing a MohicanLand Edict.
This is YOUR lucky day, wenches & wards of MohicanLand!
If anyone is like, hyper-sensitive, better move along. This is NOT for you.
1, 2, & 3 are omitted here because our board is a family fun center, rated PG, & has an obscenity block. damm! I LOVED typing those three!
4 Gadget Girl, I think you should buy ALL those nifty little misty cooling thingies so none can be had by those trailing behind on the HOT, HOT, HOT trails. Spray & squirt & mist away! Tell 'em you've got ONLY one to spare & wait 'til the end of the day (they'll be sweating like piggies & dying to have one) ... then sell to the highest bidder. When no one is looking, sell another one, and another one. The next day, do it again. By Sunday evening, you ought to be able to buy the Biltmore & purchase ET's freedom.
5 Dana Oakley, tell the Gnome it doesn't freakin matter which hand you shoot with - you'll still blow his head off ... at a distance.
6 Scots, Irish, English, Spanish, French, Indian ... there is a war going on and all the while the gnomes & fairies are flirting! Hey - take it outside!
7 The next person to use the term "mentorman" in public will be shot. It's a violation of some candy company's trademark, or so I've been told, and thus, considered impolite.
8 Any Trade goods smuggled into MohicanLand will be confiscated AND/OR drank. Check your wares in as you enter, as is the custom. The Dutch Trader will provide receipt ... of sorts.
9 There is to be a quota & bounty placed upon the heads of all persons using personal personas, fake aliases, deceptive disguises, cute nicknames, or creative characterizations. It gets too confusing for those of us of the multi-personality persuasion to track any character exceeding the current limit of 20.
10 When YOUR Towne Crier rings her bell, listen. Else the bell WILL toll for thee! She's trying to earn her tin lantern, after all ...
11 Doctor M, you had better start listening to your mother. If you don't have anything nice to say, by all means, speak up!
12 FT, you are to call off all deals made to lengthen ET's Missing Person status. If ET is returned safely within the fortnight, you may walk about fully armed. If not ... can one brew Peach Brandy sans mano?
13 ET, you stay alive! No matter what occurs! And return FT's scalp.
14 There is to be no signing off with the letter 'E' ... this is MY signature.
15 All DVD protestors will be archived. Just submit & learn to like it.
16 All promoters of sedition will be archived. There are underground periodicals for THAT sort of thing. Not that *I* read them. I just look at the pictures.
17 Anyone entering MohicanLand in either Kilt or Breech Clout is to be taken at his word that said articles are being worn "correctly." No proof is required, thank you.
18 World Peace is not permitted. It's unnatural.
19 If you are a true patriot, hug a Huron today! We like Hurons. Hurons are our friends.
20 No birthday wishes are to be posted without proof of birth.
21 All soapboxes are to meet the standard give 'em an inch they take a foot measurements set forth in MohicanLand's Preaching Regulations & are not to exceed said limitations by a breadth. If we like your whitewash, uhmmm ... message, your box may be elevated.
22 Anyone offended by this Edict is required to purchase a cents of humor from one of MohicanLand's many thrifty Traders.
(How'm I doing, Doc?)
Post a Followup