Posted by Miss Marcia on April 09, 2000 at 21:35:52:
I know that's mighty rough language comin' from such a well-bred Southren lady as myself, but y'all have to understand, I'm terribly distressed by all I hear is going on in Mohicanland. Let me spend a couple of days shut up in my Famous DownHome Kitchen, doin' perfectly genteel and ladylike ree-fined things like making my REnowned Spring Fiddlehead Fern jam, and the world turns to doggy-poo in my absence! One has to jam while the fiddlin's good, doncha know, and can't be interrupted by every little brouhaha that rears its ugly head in the village, but I swear!! Can't my fellow Mohicanlanders keep on track for a few days without my Gentle Guidance???
Firstly, I hear my sweet Benton's gone on a drunk...er...I mean...sabbatical somewhere, trying to get over a broken heart because I supposedly rejected him. ME...reject the most adorably bemused fella I ever saw? I think NOT, as Miss Katie would say! Why, I never even knew he was considerin' poppin' any question to me other than, "Exactly WHAT did you say makes up the stuffin' in your stuffed possum, dear??" The way I figger it, he must have taken a few little nips outta that jug o' spruce he keeps about to work up his courage a bit, doncha know, and then gotten completely confused. Shoot, the poor soul was probably out in the woods, proposin' to a piney tree!! But I'll go find him and make sure everything is just fine between us. I think I'll be able to calm Benton down with a nice platter of my famous DownHome fuu-uuuudge and a few blushing glances from under my lowered lashes.
Second, and worse yet is this nonsense about a LAWSUIT being filed by Magua Cockadoodle-Doo or something, on behalf of that silly wench, Doctor Mary. She apparently has been claiming that *I*, Miss Marcia of Miss Marcia's Famous DownHome Kitchen, applied some sort of first-aid remedy to the...blush, stammer...NETHER regions of that Longue Carabine fellow she's always blatherin' about. Of course, anyone with the sense of a CRANBERRY would know that it's my cousin from down south, MMMMarcia, who is her rival for the affections of that lean & lanky Mr. Poe! Why on earth would ANYONE mix us up? MMMMarcia is a good-hearted soul in some ways, I suppose, but certainly she is not a lady of such distinction as *I* myself am. And can you imagine ME, in my extremely genteel gentility ever even LOOKING at such a rough example of a man, much less doctoring any ol' rash on any ol' BUMM, when I have my dear, dear Benton who's been courtin' me in such a charmin' manner? Again, Miss Katie comes to mind, as I answer my own question with a hearty I THINK NOT!! Mohicanland, I say to you: getcher personas straight!! *harummmph*
Well, I guess I'd better quit fiddlin' with the ferns, and get myself out to find Benton. Between us, he and I can put these matters straight, sartain. There's nuthin' for it but to begin preparations for a big Easter/Springtime Feast to bring everybody back together again. Nuthin' like good home cookin' to smooth over all the problems a little village can dream up, I always say. And I reckon I've learned I can't disappear for days an' days, unless I want to come back to a real mess!
"la, la, la...Oh, Benton? Beeeeennnnnnnnnntooooonnnnnnnnn? Where are you, Dear Heart? It is I, Miss Marcia, come to fetch you...Benton? Yoooooo-hooooooooooooo????"
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