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The Courier

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All the news that's fit to print ... and then some. Pen and Ink

Established 1757

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Editors' Note: The Courier is the print extension of the Mohican Press web site. Here we will bring you the latest news, rumors, death notices, feuds, scandals, tantrums, and immigration rates of Mohicanland. Our editorials will be a prominent feature of this news department. It is advisable that readers first spend time acquainting themselves to the various sections of the Mohican Press web site, including the MOHICAN WWW BOARD, before attempting to understand The Courier. Even THEN you might not understand!
The Courier Editors assume no responsibility for Courier-induced psychosis!

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Three Little Piggies Threaten A Take Over Of Mohicanland

Many readers will remember the Mohican Gathering Program Guide editors from our MOHICAN GENESIS report. In keeping with our journalistic standards, we had previously reported only the general facts of the power trip the MGPG editors had embarked upon without exposing the scandalous details we had uncovered until we had further confirmation. Mohican Press now has evidence of the MGPG editors' plot for a take over of Mohicanland. The situation has been brought to such a crisis that we feel it is our journalistic obligation to reveal the entire story, in all its lurid details.


(MP Photo)

Surveillance photo taken by Magua of the Three Little Piggies during a recent clandestine meeting on the west coast. The suspects are engaging in some bizarre cannibalistic ritual. Authorities have not yet identified the fourth Little Piggie.

The MGPG editors, known only as C, C, and J, have masqueraded for quite some time as simple, LOTM loving, everyday Mohicanland citizens. On the surface, that is all they appeared to be, and their fellow LOTMers had no reason to believe there was anything sinister about them. Each would occasionally post what appeared to be LOTM related messages on the Mohican WWW Board, but were in reality, secret codes. Mohican Press has finally broken the MGPG code. The gig is up. We are now ready to expose these Three Little Piggies for what they really are; cold blooded, power hungry, sinister, irascible, deviant, wolfaphobic, sadistic, politically incorrect thugs.

Unbeknownst to the Mohicanland citizenry, C, C, and J had been secretly corresponding with each other, plotting a revolution in Mohicanland that would place them firmly in power. They covered their tracks well, and were never found posting in the same thread. There had previously been no connection made between the MGPG editors, nor was there anything to suggest they even knew one another until they made their first bold move. That was in February 1998, when an innocent, casual mention of a program guide for the Great Mohican Gathering was posted. The three terrorists, recognizing the opportunity, immediately seized control of the program guide idea, pretending their interest was merely to "do volunteer work." Nothing more has been heard about the program guide since its seizure by these three. That was the first clue something was amiss.

At this point, we decided to run a background check on these three terrors and sent our spy Magua to befriend them. What our Huron uncovered was shocking. C #1 claimed to be a caring nurse who came to Mohicanland because she "liked to help people". What we have since learned is that C #1 is really a jaded, Irish, carnivorous, demented, ski bum from Yangeese country who has been lurking around the Mohican Press web site since early summer 1997. Apparently, it was C #1's job to create a scandalous diversion in Mohicanland by sending an anonymous interview with LOTM's Uncas; an interview that was designed to ignite an intra-Mohicanland war. Much to our dismay, C #1 was successful in her mission. This alleged nurse, after having planted the seeds of dissension, mistrust, and hate, next subtly introduced the idea of a Billy roast for the Great Mohican Gathering. She proffered herself as a credible "meal planner" by offering marinade recipes. She then stepped back and waited for C #2 to make her move.

C #2 also claimed to be a nurse, which should have been an early warning sign, but unfortunately, no light bulbs went off. Her friendly nurse cover was further developed through the dubious claim to be a relative of Daniel Boone, a ploy designed to give the appearance that she was a Can-tuc-kee friendly. We have since learned that C #2 is actually an exile, also from Yangeese country, who was banished to Siberian Alaska after being linked to a series of arsons at isolated cabins throughout the Catskill Mountain region. In our investigation, we uncovered evidence that she had been seen fraternizing with the French and torturing cats. There have been rumors in Sleepy Hollow that C #2 is also a stalker, but Mohican Press has not been able to confirm that. Many readers will remember the GGGG/SYMT War that flared up in December of 1997. We went back and reviewed the posts, tracking their origins. What we discovered was that C #2 had cunningly put forth the question of age, framed as an innocent query, which sparked the hostilities and factions that burst upon Mohicanland. It was also C #2 that put forth the suggestion that LOTM stars be invited to the Great Mohican Gathering. That seemingly innocuous post was actually a subliminal message and there is now reason to believe that C #2 has been trained in mind control techniques. We have learned from an anonymous source that she has been keeping a journal of the factional disputes and is writing a report on the "progress" of her mission.

The third conspirator is J. To derail any possible suspicions, J did not claim to be a caring nurse, but instead refused to reveal anything about herself at all. Her modus operandi was to always post last, acting as a "clean-up man". This "J come lately" pattern struck us as odd so we had Magua check her out. Apparently, J has been using the cover of a Pilgrim descendant, intending to paint herself as Mohican as apple pie. Massachusetts authorities are looking into the possibility that J killed the real Pilgrim descendant, who has curiously turned up missing. J's phony persona is that of a quiet, supportive, den mother type GGGG who just adores the citizens of Mohicanland. She claims to enjoy hiking, fishing, hunting, and small children. She allegedly has a "J's LOTM husband" who has yet to identify himself by name, though he has posted on the Mohican WWW Board on several occasions. What we uncovered in our investigation is that J, when she's not plotting overthrows, is really a pipe bomb designer for high paying terrorists groups. As far as we can determine, J's mission was to divert any suspicion of her fellow comrades by bringing up an imaginary horse whenever it appeared someone might be on to the conspiracy. J would reply to board messages by asking the whereabouts of this unseen horse, diverting the attention away from her cohorts and on the horse instead. We have reason to believe it was J who sent El Nino to wreak havoc in Mohicanland, apparently an attempt to break down the harmony between the citizens and instigate a class war between the haves and the have-nots. The El Nino assault is well documented. J is always subtle in her moves, yet she may prove to be the most explosive of the Three Little Piggies.

The Program Guide Plot was the first step in a much larger conspiracy according to authorities who have joined the ongoing investigation. Once the three terrors had seized control of the Great Mohican Gathering Program Guide, their next move was to launch a massive propaganda campaign by writing subversive ideas and censoring those who posed any threat to their plot to take over Mohicanland. The evidence gathered thus far supports these allegations. The three terrors never let on that they had any association or friendly relations until the Program Guide Plot. Suddenly, the startled people of Mohicanland were informed that C, C, and J would plan, write, and design the program guide, and they curtly refused all offers of assistance. The plan, of course, was to sabotage Mohican Press through this MGPG. The little piggie who we believe may be the ringleader, C #1, approached Mohican Press with a request that we write a "Mohican Genesis" for the Program Guide. Naturally, we agreed. They then inexplicably refused to accept the "Mohican Genesis" and began disputing the facts. We were stunned by the degree of their malice. It was at this point they changed their scheme from a covert operation to an outright rebellion. C #1 sent nasty e-mails with threatening attachments and thinly-veiled hints of blackmail. Incredibly, she started posting URLs to other sites, openly encouraging other Mohicaanites to engage in treason while clamoring about Mohican Press censorship. At the moment, Mohicanland is in a state of crisis.

In our earlier report, we revealed only what we believed to be essential facts concerning the MGPG editors. We withheld crucial, damaging information, believing the three little piggies would come forth with a confession. It's time the whole sordid story is told. Readers may be interested in learning that prior to running the original report, we contacted the suspects and attempted to engage them in some diplomacy. Taking them at their word, which proved to be an exercise in futility as their word is dirt, we put a temporary lid on the story. C #1, in her usual crude and deviant manner, sent more e-mails begging us to go easy on them, claiming that they were "misunderstood,"  had made some "terrible" mistakes, and would come forth on their own. This shameless plea turned out to be an ambush, for no sooner had we run the more favorable version of events, did both C #1 and J post bold, taunting dares in a scandalous attempt to portray Mohican Press as powerless, lame, soft-hearted, and foolish. They misrepresented Mohican Press as being weak, unable to govern Mohicanland.

Their quest for power knows no boundaries. The three little piggies seek absolute control of everything; the Program Guide, the roasting recipes, travel arrangements, the Gathering itinerary, the pink flamingos, the fetching pink bunny outfit, the campfire, the bunkhouse, and even the best seats in the theater for the LOTM showing. C #1 even tried to circumvent Mohican Press by searching telephone directories for the name and telephone number of the Marion theatre manager. Thank goodness she failed, or we'd all soon find ourselves crammed into the theater aisles, victims of spilled popcorn and jujube hits. And J has even manufactured some last minute "long lost sisters" that are allegedly accompanying her to the Gathering. Something is very wrong here. We caution all citizens of Mohicanland to open their eyes and see what the three little piggies are up to...... before it's too late.

{Editors' Note: We will continue to bring you any late breaking news on the Three Little Piggies Plot. If the authorities discover the identity of the fourth little piggie, we'll let our readers know immediately.}

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Local Happenings

Mohicanland resident Mary had a visitor at her rest home on Saturday. Billy Boy arrived at 9:00 AM and spent the entire day learning about Mary's crayon therapy and tossing jujubes at other elderly residents. Mary wore her famous saran wrap outfit, with strategically placed wampum, and forest green stiletto heels. After a pleasant lunch of corn mush and prune juice, Mary and Billy Boy took an afternoon stroll down the rest home's handicapped persons' ramp, then back up again. Billy Boy said he was exhausted "from so much fun" and ended his visit at 5:00 PM. Mary made him promise to return next week to teach her the skills of long range spitting.


A pot luck supper was held at Lake James' Fort William Henry ruins last Sunday. There was a nice turn out for the event, which was organized by the local chapter of SYMTs. A raffle was held with all proceeds going to the "Spouses of Mohican Maniacs Charity Fund."  The day's festivities were slightly marred when the raffle winner, Miss Marcia, held a group of schoolchildren hostage. Apparently Miss Marcia became distraught when she learned that the prize was not DDL, but his cousin Dweebie Day-Lewis. After a few tense moments, the local militia leader was able to talk Miss Marcia into putting down her Chipmunk wounder and releasing the schoolchildren. She is being held by a local gun club for further observation. One GGGG who was in attendance said "It was exciting. The stand off was an unexpected treat for us. I'll be back next year."


The Mohicanland Trading Post is offering free tattoos to the first 50 piercing customers who show up on Wednesday in loin cloths. Crowds are expected early so hurry in! GGGG discounts offered.


A charity sporting event will be held at Massacre Valley. Among the scheduled competitions are long distance tomahawk throws, a free fall from atop a nearby cliff, horseback riding under fire, the 60 second scalp, and the wampum belt relay race. The highlight event is the "Run the Gauntlet" contest. The participants will be the pro-Cooper faction, "The Leatherstockings," and the anti-Cooper faction, "The Manniacs." Each team's members must make a run through two lines of their opponents, trying to escape or endure the battering of clubs, sticks, rocks, and barbs. The survivors will then line up and dish out the same assault on the opposing team. First run will be determined by a Dutch silver toss. Proceeds will benefit victims of the incurable disease, Mohican Fever. Contestants must register at the Mohicanland Trading Post. Refreshments will be served.


A lecture will be given at the Mohicanland Rest Home by Miss Zazu. The topic is "Discovering Your Inner Mohicaan." Miss Zazu is a well known, accomplished Mohicaanite who has written several posts and a catchy ballad on the Mohicaan within us all. She plans on presenting some interesting demonstrations, teaching some basic Mohicaanistic imagery exercises, leading the audience in Mohicaan songs, and sharing her personal Mohicaan self-discovery journey. The public is invited to attend this exciting lecture.


The Mohicanland Welcoming Committee recently offered a warm welcome to several new immigrants to Mohicanland. The committee chairperson, Miss Marcia, held a lovely luncheon for the new citizens at her nursing home dining area. The room was nicely decorated with magnolia flowers, white wicker wheel chairs, and tacky southern style table linens. The luncheon menu included mint juleps, pecan pie, and fu-uuudge. Among the invited guests were the latest Mohicanland arrivals; She-who-tracks-La Longue Carabine, Magua's girlfriend Ros, Road Runner, Pot-Stirrer, Patrick-son-of-Billy, New Carol, Anne T., and Neuromancer (who used to be a Mohicanland resident, then he went away but happily has now returned). Miss Marcia gave a sappy speech about treaties and peace and followed up with a warm gesture of friendship by letting the guests take turns on her cherry red, super revved, shiny, motorized wheel chair. Everyone had a pleasant time, despite the unfortunate death of one elderly resident who was run down by Road Runner.


Mr. and Mrs. Chingachgook announced the recent engagement of their adopted son Hawkeye to Miss Cora Munro. Miss Munro is the illegitimate daughter of Col. Munro, who left his heart in Massacre Valley. Miss Munro's sister, Miss Alice Munro, had an unfortunate mishap at Chimney Rock Park, leaving Miss Cora as the sole survivor of a broken family. Mr. Billy R. will stand in as bridesmaid.


Newcomer to Mohicanland, She-who-tracks-La Longue Carabine, was placed in an uncomfortable position recently. After introducing herself and casually mentioning her beer bottle cap collection, She was immediately set upon in a most shameless manner by two locals, both of whom made indecent propositions to She. She was forced to spurn the unwanted advances publicly. Rev. Wheelock plans to address the scandal in a sermon this week called "The Wickedness of Men."


A foreign group of loosely affiliated LOTM fans has applied for a permit to march through downtown Mohicanland. The rival LOTM club, known as "The Moheckies," is planning their defiant march as a protest against the rapid growth of Mohicanland. The planned march has bitterly divided the Mohicanland community. Some citizens feel the permit should be granted on the principle of free speech, that new trendy philosophy, as a warning for King Georgie. A local advocator of the free speech movement, and founder of the radical group "Free Billy," had this to say, "Though they are strangers, they should at least be granted a Christian processional." An opponent of the parade permit, Carol, quickly shouted back, "If those Moheckies show up here, they'll lay where they're slayed!" Another opponent, who wishes to remain anonymous offered this comment on the controversy, "Look. Why cain't them Moheckies jist leave us alone. This was a nice, quiet town afore they stirred up all this trouble. And if we let them Moheckies march, what's next? Frenchies? No, I'm aginst the permit." Mohicanland officials have not yet made their decision.


Esquire David Gamut issued the latest census results for Mohicanland. According to the document, growth rate has soared in recent months. The Esq. attributes the sudden population rise to Delaware women and European immigrants, notably the Dutch trader Ilse, multi-lingual Rebecca the sinful, and the gypsy queen Marcia (who is known to wear very large earrings while painting Hawkeye nudes). Another possible cause for the high population figure is the recent appearance of Lainey's other personalities.


Militia Blotter

A robbery was reported at the home of Mohicaan guru Rich Fed. A militia spokesperson said several signed copies of "On the Trail of the Last of the Mohicans" and a hand written letter by Daniel Day-Lewis were stolen from the owner's piggy safe. Rich Fed is quoted as saying, "I feel violated. You're never prepared for this sort of thing. Who would of thought it could happen in Mohicanland?" No arrests have been made in the case but a source close to the investigation said a female GGGG is a prime suspect.


Two local men were arrested following a trail brawl in downtown Mohicanland. A militia spokesperson identified the suspects as Colonial Joe and Billy Boy. According to eyewitnesses, the two men had spent the evening drinking brandy when an argument broke out over whose musket was a more accurate representation of "Killdeer." Apparently the verbal battle was escalated when Colonial Joe threatened Billy Boy by saying, "Someday you and I are going to have a serious disagreement." Both men were horse whipped and released.


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From the Editors' Desk

The recent scandal involving the Three Little Piggies has been a painful, shocking lesson for all of us. Though we would all like to believe that people are our friends, sometimes the stark reality just smacks you in the face. The truth is that there are some nasty folks out there who are waiting to take advantage of the generosity of dim witted people. Frankly, we at Mohican Press are sick and tired of people like this.

The Three Little Piggies present a perfect argument for bringing back death by fire. Not only were these three societal misfits engaged in a subversive plot to seize control of Mohicanland, thereby threatening the lives, sanity, and leisure time of LOTMers everywhere, they are simply vicious. We've heard a few misguided souls advocating rehabilitation for the Three Little Piggies. These sentimental fools don't get it. There are some criminally minded persons who are just plain rotten; evil from head to toe. The MGPR editors are just that type. They are beyond reform, incapable of rehabilitation. These vile, sorry excuses for humans will never change. To put it bluntly, why waste perfectly good wampum for the maintenance and care of those who were eager to destroy everything good and decent in Mohicanland.

There are also those silly idealists who are willing to excuse the criminal behavior of the Three Little Piggies on the basis of their childhoods. Give us a break! Let's look at the terrors' childhoods. Of the three, C #2 is the only one whose youthful years would even warrant this discussion. True, even we felt a slight tug at the old heart strings when we read of C #2's disturbing life. Yes, we know it's not easy growing up in the shadows of Rip Van Winkle, Ichabod Crane, Headless Horsemen, and Dutch sailors. These legendary figures overshadowed the accomplishments and existence of the young, impressionable C #2. Sure it's tough when no one notices you, remembers your name, or cares if you've eaten but only want to know the whereabouts of the merry band of dwarves that brew the finest beer in the Catskills. Okay, it's tough! But other children have survived the Sleepy Hollow scars. Other children have grown up to be nice boys and girls. Is it too much to expect the same from C #2? Is this a true victim of tragic circumstances? We don't think so.

And J? What's her excuse for turning out to be such a scoundrel? Her childhood was one of luxury. As an only child (which she was, despite the recent claim of having three sisters) of fur trade mogul, mega-billionaire Daddy Warbuckskin, J was a spoiled, self-focused, temperamental, Valley brat. Statements from girlhood acquaintances paint a picture of a tantrum throwing, pathological liar. J's goal in life seemed stable and simple enough; get whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted it, no matter how she had to get it. It is this kind of thinking that has led to the decline of many a civilization. One is reminded of the crumbling Roman Empire, beset by moral decay, wracked with self-serving pleasurists, and void of any sense of justice. That is what J is all about. That is what J had planned for Mohicanland. Isn't it time this snippy, arrogant, deceitful, pilgrim killing brat was held accountable? Hasn't J's day of reckoning finally arrived?

Lastly, we have C #1. It's hard to know where to begin when one looks at the depravity of this woman's character. She was always a manipulator, an instigator, a devil. Even her own brother has signed a deposition listing C #1's lifelong habit of thievery, blackmail, lying, tobacco spitting, and unnatural thirst for power. She is foul mouthed and crass. We have no statements from childhood friends because C #1 had none that survived. According to traumatized residents of C #1's hometown, which is now the field study site for psychiatrists researching the effects of serial killers, she had earned a reputation as a neighborhood thug by the age of two. Apparently, C #1 has not changed. She was a bad seed then, she's a bad seed now. She's twisted, perverse, and devious. It's C #1 who recruited the other two little piggies to carry out her scheme. This is not a good candidate for reform. C #1 gives new meaning to the phrase "she-devil."

And what's with the pink flamingos? Has anyone noticed them? According to a report generated by the President's Panel on Rainbow People, pink flamingos are a commie sign. These pink chickens on a stick are a sure mark of our commie card carrying Stalinist piggie friends. Do we really want to have thugs like them running loose in Mohicanland? Of course we don't. Think of the children. What does society have to do then, to protect itself from the likes of these manic perpetrators? What should be done to ensure these terrors never victimize innocent people again? We at Mohican Press believe the answer is simple. They should be dragged out onto the commons, where a roaring fire has been prepared to receive their wicked flesh. Then, the three little power hungry decadent wenches should be bound tightly to a pole whilst the Mohicanland citizens pronounce public sentence.....

{Editors' Note: Wish to express your opinion? We will print your letters to the editor here.}

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Question of the week: Should the Three Little Piggies be sentenced to a life of indentured servitude or be burned at the stake? Let us know what you think! We'll have the survey results in next week's Courier.

Next Issue: THE COURIER ... Issue Two

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