Yessir, That's My Baby!

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Posted by Doc M on March 04, 2000 at 09:06:37:

Thank you, Mr. Federici, for requesting my professional opinion
in this troubling Case Of The Possibly Pseudo Day-Lewis. I
have just now completed an in-depth examination of the
subject, and STOP THAT WHIMPERING!! I said I'll take off
the handcuffs LATER!! I'm SEW sorry. Doctor Mary is
conducting a *tough love* experiment on the patient in
question, and sometimes they get kinda squirmy before
they're properly broken in. *hrumphh! hrummphh!* Where
was I? Oh, yes. The subject is without doubt most definitely
the real Mr. Day-Lewis, looking as homely as the proverbial
mud fence if I may say so, but 'tis he. The thumbs, Watson --
the thumbs never lie. No one on the planet has thumbs like
that, which confirms a long-held theory of mine that he
is, in fact, a strange visitor from another world entirely.
From long hours of intense one-on-one therapy, I have
deduced that the look of blank horror on his face was
induced by an unfortunate encounter with the notorious
Miss Marcia, who in one of her drunken stupors lured him
into her cabin and...I can't. It's too horrible. Some
things are best left unsaid. Let's just say no one was
spared. *shudder* Plus, he has childhood issues with
his pet dog Sparky that are best kept in confidence.
As for the height-discrepancy area, I would say that
Mr. Means is standing on the notorious Grassy Knoll,
and that the bullets prove that there were at least
two CIA gunmen involved. Clear it up any? Now if you-
all will kindly excuse me...STOP THAT INFERNAL WHIMPERING,
The natives are getting restless, as the old saying
goes. Back to work. Woof! Woof!

Doc M

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