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Monadnock Guide
Council of Elders
USA
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 Posted - August 10 2009 : 6:24:48 PM
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On the subject of Colonoscopies...
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies.
[Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.]
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11.. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
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winglo
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Posted - August 10 2009 : 9:07:45 PM
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| Hmmm. . .thanks, MG. I'm 48 and gearing up for my first in a couple of years. Just what I needed to hear! |
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Wilderness Woman
Watcher of the Wood
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Posted - August 10 2009 : 9:50:39 PM
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Those really are very funny, and appropriate. However, never fear, Winglo..... you won't be saying any of those things. At least, not while he is actually doing the colonoscopy, because you will be out like a light.
Of course, who knows what you might unconsciously say while you are under the influence of the anesthesia!  |
"It is more deeply stirring to my blood than any imaginings could possibly have been." |
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richfed
Sachem
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Posted - August 14 2009 : 7:01:31 PM
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I'm scheduled for one of those buggers at the end of this month ... along with an endoscopy.
Yii-HA!
And, regarding #13 above:
My friends [or some of them, at least] tell me that's why I have a pony-tail. I'll leave the picture to you. |
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Wilderness Woman
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Posted - August 14 2009 : 7:16:49 PM
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
First one, Sachem?? The worst part of those tests is the preparation you have to go through the night before. Don't stray too far from your bathroom.........
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"It is more deeply stirring to my blood than any imaginings could possibly have been." |
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Monadnock Guide
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Posted - August 14 2009 : 7:37:32 PM
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| Rest easy Rich, - I've had four so far, no big deal. The first two were "back when" and folks were totally wide awake during the procedure. NO freakin' way to sleep through one of those. Actually though, not painful, but uncomfortable as all h*ll. |
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Kan-Tuck-EE
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Posted - August 14 2009 : 8:37:28 PM
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Wilderness Woman said "Those really are very funny, and appropriate. However, never fear, Winglo..... you won't be saying any of those things. At least, not while he is actually doing the colonoscopy, because you will be out like a light."
Aint necessarily so! I had one and I was awake!!!!!! and it hurt like *&^%( I kid you not. The doctor told me to shut up! I told him to kiss it and he better be glad he got a good look because he wouldn't be gettin' another shot at it. I'll have a tree trunk growing out my behind before I have another one of those done. I kid you not! I haven't talked to ANYONE else who was awake. They said they sedated me but I'm telling you I knew everything that went on....especially when the doctor said "You are going to have to shut up or I am not going to be able to finish this". I said "better get your best shot cuz you ain't getting back in again!"
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Kan-Tuck-EE |
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Monadnock Guide
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Posted - August 14 2009 : 8:55:47 PM
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| Who's your doctor, - Attila The Hun??? |
you can keep "The Change" |
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Wilderness Woman
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Posted - August 14 2009 : 10:26:10 PM
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That was good, MG!
Seriously... you are right, K-T. You should never go back to that doctor. He is a barbarian. Any doctor who knows what he is doing will have you not just sedated, but completely out. I don't recall what my doctor gives, but it was through an IV. I do remember feeling him sort of turn a corner one time, which woke me up, and I said, "Ouch!" I heard him tell the nurse to "Give her more *****." And that was all I felt.
There was just a short wake-up time when I felt a little bit wobbly. But, I think within 1/2 hour after he was finished, I was out in the car (Gary drove, though) and going to eat some much-needed lunch.
Yep. Find another Gastro-Guy! |
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richfed
Sachem
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Posted - August 15 2009 : 10:51:14 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Wilderness Woman
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
First one, Sachem?? The worst part of those tests is the preparation you have to go through the night before. Don't stray too far from your bathroom.........
First one, yes ... second endoscopy, though the first was back in the 80s.
About 7 years ago, I had a barium enema and a schizoid something or other  [basically an abbreviated colonoscopy - wide awake!]. Upon completion of those wonderful procedures, the doctor said, "See you in 10 years!" I said, "No you won't. That is it for me!"
But, my current physician - a wonderful lady [best doctor I have ever had!] - talked me in to it [with a bit of subterfuge thrown in]. |
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BookwormMG
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Posted - August 15 2009 : 11:34:56 AM
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| Sigmoidoscopy? I had one of those some years ago. As you say, an abbreviated colonoscopy, and awake. Nothing I'm anxious to repeat, but not truly painful. |
"Glory, glory, hallelujah, welcome to the future!" -- Brad Paisley |
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blackfootblood
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Posted - August 15 2009 : 5:46:28 PM
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I have to say that those "last famous words" were too funny! I shared them with some ex-coworkers who might appreciate them!!
A few years back, one of the first places I worked after graduating nursing school was a internal medicine clinic. I loved it there. But one of the most frequently practiced procedures we did were Sigmoidoscopies. Many patients preferred them over the colonoscopy, especially if they were younger patients with gastro problems. The nice thing about the procedure is you're awake, it's not too uncomfortable now since the use of the Flex sigmoid scope which is much more flexible than the old rigid scopes of years ago. And they only go as far as your colon/rectum area and lower intestine area. Plus they are able to remove polyps and hemorrhoids. It's a pretty quick procedure. But unfortunately you still need to go through the prep process the day before, yuck!!  |
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain!"
"Live well, love much, laugh often!" |
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Wilderness Woman
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Posted - August 16 2009 : 9:23:30 PM
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OK. I gotta do it. I can't help myself.
Quite by coincidence, a cousin sent me a link to this video. Thought you all might get a kick out of it.
Colonoscopy |
"It is more deeply stirring to my blood than any imaginings could possibly have been." |
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Kan-Tuck-EE
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Posted - August 17 2009 : 11:47:21 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Monadnock Guide
Who's your doctor, - Attila The Hun???
LOL....yeah...Atilla fer sure. I won't be going back to him! |
Kan-Tuck-EE |
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Kan-Tuck-EE
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Posted - August 17 2009 : 11:53:58 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Wilderness Woman
OK. I gotta do it. I can't help myself.
Quite by coincidence, a cousin sent me a link to this video. Thought you all might get a kick out of it.
Colonoscopy
OMG! I'll never feel the same about Lou Rawls again!  |
Kan-Tuck-EE |
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richfed
Sachem
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Posted - August 31 2009 : 6:51:22 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Monadnock Guide
Rest easy Rich, - I've had four so far, no big deal. The first two were "back when" and folks were totally wide awake during the procedure. NO freakin' way to sleep through one of those. Actually though, not painful, but uncomfortable as all h*ll.
Done! Today! A piece of cake compared to what I remembered from previous experiences!! The prep part was by far the worst. Had to drink this gunk last night, and again this morning at 5AM. Called Movi-Prep. Let me tell you, there weren't no damn movie to be seen!!
Once there at the gastroenterology place, it was a breeze. I had two procedures: endoscopy and colonoscopy. The staff made me comfortable and gave me some Valium-like med via IV. I can remember bits and pieces of the colonoscopy - watching the monitor and some talking - in which I actually engaged - but they must've kicked up the dose to shut me up, as I have no recollection of the endoscopy at all. All of a sudden, it was over and I was awake. They gave me a sheet of full color shots of my innards, too!!!
Best part? I then pigged out at Olive Garden in Asheville!! |
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Monadnock Guide
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Posted - August 31 2009 : 7:05:38 PM
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| "Back when" - they you gave a gallon of "Go-Litely" (I kid you not) to drink completely in one hour. Whoever came up with that name had a VERY bizarre sense of humor. It not only smelled like a gallon of sewer water, - I think that's what it actually was. ... Glad everything went well, ... now to get those pics framed, - huh? |
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Wilderness Woman
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Posted - September 02 2009 : 1:11:48 PM
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Glad it went well for you, Rich.
Ah yes... the gallon of Sewer Water. I remember it well from about 10 years ago. I think mine was raspberry flavor. I am so glad to know that I will never again have to choke down that much liquid in the space of an hour. I thought my eyeballs were going to float out of their sockets.
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"It is more deeply stirring to my blood than any imaginings could possibly have been." |
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Seamus
Guardian of Heaven's Gate
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Posted - September 02 2009 : 4:28:53 PM
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| Gonna Post the pics, Sachem? |
Life's journey is not to
arrive at the grave safely
in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
totally worn out, shouting
'...holy sh*t ...what a ride!'
~~Mavis Leyrer, Seattle
Seamus
~~Aim small, hit the b*****d right between the eyes!~~ |
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winglo
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Posted - September 03 2009 : 10:47:46 PM
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| Someone told me that there is some sort of alternative to the stuff you have to drink--like pills you can take or something. Anyone know anything about that? |
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Monadnock Guide
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Posted - September 04 2009 : 07:04:45 AM
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| Yeah, - there's a mix today, quite easy compared to years ago. I think it may be "age related" - a way to save wear & tear on your kidneys, less volume to handle in a short time-frame. |
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richfed
Sachem
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Posted - September 05 2009 : 10:39:09 AM
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A friend just sent me this. It is a riot ... and I could very, VERY much relate to it!
Enjoy!
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
________________________________________
________________________________________
*Colonoscopy Journal:*
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the
colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to
hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;
all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is
about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like
a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative - I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you
wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much
confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have
not even eaten yet
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if
I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led
me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a
little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to
the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had
to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading
for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because
I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood..
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder
of an internal organ. |
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Wilderness Woman
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Posted - September 05 2009 : 5:11:29 PM
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That is hysterical!!  I love Dave Barry. |
"It is more deeply stirring to my blood than any imaginings could possibly have been." |
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Wilderness Woman
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Posted - September 05 2009 : 5:22:11 PM
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If there is anyone who has not seen this when it was passed around on the internet.... now is your chance. I laughed so hard....
Billy Connolly |
"It is more deeply stirring to my blood than any imaginings could possibly have been." |
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richfed
Sachem
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Posted - September 06 2009 : 09:37:40 AM
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| OK ... WW ... you have now made me laugh & cry so hard I can't stand it!!!!!!! |
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Wilderness Woman
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Posted - September 06 2009 : 10:08:37 AM
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Glad to oblige. Laughter and happy tears are a great way to start one's day. |
"It is more deeply stirring to my blood than any imaginings could possibly have been." |
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Too good not to post, ... [The Colonoscopy Story!]
