Re: Dear Doctor Mary ...

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Posted by GnomeDome on November 02, 1999 at 12:53:52:

In Reply to: Re: Dear Doctor Mary ... posted by Doctor Mary on November 02, 1999 at 11:19:46:

: : Dear Doctor Mary,

: :
: : I discovered a photo of you accompanied by your personal ad in the latest issue of "Frontier S & M" where I read you were street walking right here in Mohicanland & were seeking a business manager. "Wanted: One Scarlet PIMPernickel Muffin to oversee financial matters of sucessful businesswoman." (I didn't actually READ S & M. I scanned it while waiting my turn at the New Northern Trading Post.)

: :
: : I'd like your professional advice on a delicate matter. A friend of mine, Mr. Hawkeye Poe, has recently discovered there are unauthorized images of him being posted on doors of Taverns & Bawdy Houses all over the colony. The image is of him having a "misstep" while visiting the nearby Hurons for a barbecue. Without going into embarrassing details, let me just say the image is a bit ... revealing. He's a tad disarrayed in the loincloth attire. Get it?

: : Mr. Poe is a modest man. The thought of his compromising "situation" being publicized has so disturbed him he is considering joining the Wah-Tah-Wah Warrioresses disguised as a woman. I worry about him, Doctor Mary. What should I do to prevent this shocking exposure from spreading up & down the frontier? (I haven't even told him there are bootleg copies of this image showing up on Pin-Up Parchments ... creatively touched up by some amateur artist named Mary Long Carabine.)

: : Sincerely,

: : Cousin Eugenie

: : PS Please return my whip, wench.

: Dearest Cousin Eugenie,

: Doctor Mary is SHOCKED! SHOCKED! that such unspeakable filth
: is being disseminated throughout the colony! She has
: personally visited each and every Tavern and Bawdy House
: from Ft. Edward to William Henry and examined all
: pertinent, putrescent postings and heinous handbills.
: PS Will someone please explain to me what an "Elfin Orgy"
: is? And why should I bring my own toadstool??? I did
: find the offensive image in question, and brought it
: back to the Clinic to examine it more closely. Doctor
: Mary does all her best examining while lying prone on
: her pile of luxurious beaver pelts with the special
: "Magic Fingers" attachment. NOTE: Will someone out
: there PLEASE get off the stick and invent batteries
: already???

: I'm sorry to disappoint you, CE, but while Mr. Poe's
: posture might be less than graceful, Doctor Mary finds
: nothing inherently offensive displayed...though she
: recommends a bikini wax. In fact, if Doctor Mary
: might be so bold, she thinks the shy but studly Mr. Poe
: is, to coin a phrase, "sitting on a gold mine." In
: her eternal quest to spread good health and fitness
: throughout Mohicanland, Doctor M would like to propose
: a starring role in a series of exercise videos called
: "Feeling Poe-ly...Sweatin' With The Hawk!" Do you think
: he would object to wearing a nice mesh sportscloth?
: Doctor M would sew hate to see him break out in a
: nasty rash!

: Please contact Mr. Poe ASAP and we'll run it up the
: old flagpole and see who salutes! You will of course,
: Cousin Eugenie, receive a goodly finder's fee. Tell
: Mr. Poe not to be a-feared...Doctor M is tough but
: oh-so-gentle. You can reach me anytime via my mobile-
: Gnome.

: Kissy! Kissy!

: Doctor M

: PS Whip? What whip???

It is a SAD state of affairs when a gnome has fallen SO low as to be beggared enough to have to subsist being a messenger for the likes of Doc Mary. Which of my cousins has become so destitute that he has to embarrass himself with such a job? Were one of gnomedom actually WILLING to work in such a job for such a wench, he would have to be defrocked and his red cap forever taken away.


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