Posted by Doctor Mary on July 15, 1999 at 13:01:41:
The outlines of three missing scenes from LOTM have turned up
on the doorstep of Doctor Mary's Clinic for the Mohicanly
Troubled in a plain brown envelope! No return address, but
a Hollywood California postmark. Normally Doctor Mary would
not reveal the contents of said envelope, but what the hey.
We're all friends here, right?
Scene I: The Huron Camp
Uncas watches Alice being hauled away by Magua. He
turns to his father and says, "Uhhhh...WHERE did you
say those Delaware-speaking women were, Pop?"
Scene II: The Cliff Trail
As Cora stands on the trail waiting her beloved's
return, a mysterious, incredibly beautiful woman
in a pink bunny outfit and carrying a doctor's bag
bumps into her from behind, causing her to fall
screaming to her death. The woman is heard to mutter
"Watch that first step!" before turning away, cackling
Scene III: More Cliff Trail
Hearing Cora screaming on the way down, Hawkeye
comes running up the trail, trips over the rubber
rock and hits his head, causing him to suffer
amnesia. When he wakes up he finds himself handcuffed
to a chair wearing nothing but a teeny weeny loincloth
that seems to have shrunk terribly since the last
time he wore it. Perhaps it was not washed in Woolite.
Before him stands the same mysterious, incredibly
beautiful woman, feeding him various items from her
refrigerator and running ice cubes all over his
body. "Different movie, Big Guy," she whispers
throatily. "Now you're starring in 'Last of the
Nine 1/2 Weeks!'"
Now, Doctor Mary doesn't claim to be a movie critic, but it
seems to her that these scenes lend a real depth and feeling
to the original story, and she just KNOWS you'll all agree
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